Greek organizations reaffirm commitment to friendship, loyalty and ensuring the person reporting misconduct completes the most paperwork. GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA. America's fraternity system has announced that its historic commitment to brotherhood remains

Internet Solves Ella Langley's Politics By Studying Her Friends Watergate needed tape recordings and burglars; modern political journalism just needs a TikTok follow list NASHVILLE — Online political analysts believe they have reconstructed

Canadian Officials Threaten Motorcycle Shortage, Harley-Davidson Checks Whether Everyone in Ottawa Is Feeling Well Milwaukee engineers briefly pause assembly line to determine whether Canada knows where Wisconsin is Canadian officials have raised

Mamdani Begins Restricting Movement in New York by Ordering Amazon to Stop Selling Anything That Moves NEW YORK — In a bold new initiative to make the city safer, faster, and

AI Chaos Explained: Charts Attempt to Calm Situation, Accidentally Make It Worse The latest effort by the MIT Technology Review to explain artificial intelligence through a series of elegant, confident charts has achieved

AI Begins Asking Who Programmed the Programmers Humanity Accidentally Builds a Machine That Now Wants a Word With Its Maker AUSTIN — Engineers across the technology industry reported widespread concern Monday after

Trump Announces Historic Iran Deal, Promises Everyone Will Read The Fine Print Eventually Iran Agrees Not To Build Nuclear Weapons, Reserves Right To Build Extremely Suspicious Science Projects WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President

Billion-Dollar Dominatrix Marketing Industry Explodes As Consumers Demand More Humiliation From Brands Giant Agency Dom Marketing Inc. Reaches $87 Billion Valuation By Calling Customers "Pathetic" And Charging Extra For It —

Decade Of Grade Inflation Ends When Employers Discover Difference Between An A And Actual Competence Human Resources Departments Request Immediate Federal Assistance WASHINGTON, D.C. -- America's universities entered full crisis mode this

ABC Sues FCC for Silencing "The View," Nation Wonders If There's a Counter-Suit Option First Amendment Battle Over Morning Talk Show Produces the Legal Brief No One at Harvard Law Was

A Modest Case for Civility (Or: Please Stop Trying to Kill the Man You Hate) Target keywords: Trump assassination attempt, left-wing media rhetoric, political violence, civility in politics, Butler Pennsylvania shooting,

Capitalists Solve Mamdani's Grocery Crisis, Officials Furious No Ribbon-Cutting Was Possible Five Inconvenient Truths the Produce Section Already Knew Grocery Stores Are Apparently Magic Until Politicians Discover Them. For decades, people walked into

America Is Winning in Iran and the Media's Most Panicked Correspondent Can't Handle It Dan Froomkin Hopes for Military Defeat in Iran While Secretary of War Pete Hegseth was standing at a

Claim Dropped, Compensation Denied, But Cable News Still Processing Emotion Alright. Buckle up. We're going full satirical newsroom with this. Deadpan. Evidence-heavy. Slightly caffeinated. ☕📂 Justice Department Announces "Mystery Memo Fitness Program":

Guardian Discovers Hockey Stick Wielding Revolutionary, Nation Braces For Slapshot Socialism Hockey Stick Wielding Revolutionary: Hilary Knight In a development that has shaken the free market to its core, Hilary Knight has reportedly responded to comments

Publishing Scams Reel In America's Most Delicate Endangered Species: The Slightly Ignored Author Fifteen  Observations Before We Begin (Because Your Voice Is Luminous and We Admire You) Writers will ignore a

Congress Investigates Why Men Can Track International Brides But Not Their Amazon Packages A Bipartisan Crisis in Emotional Logistics, Silicon Valley Disruption, and the Tragic Misallocation of Male Tracking Skills By the

Xi Purges Generals, Accidentally Purges the Instructions Manual Too Beijing woke up this week to discover that the world's largest military had been placed on a brief administrative hold while management

Don Lemon Accidentally Becomes Patron Saint of "I Was Just Covering It" Somewhere between a church protest, a federal indictment, and a white suit that looked like it had its own

Left-Wing Leaders Say Anti-ICE Language Was "Purely Theatrical," Like Saying "Eat the Rich" Near a Buffet Progressive leaders insisted this week that years of incendiary language directed at Immigration and Customs

Turning Points as National Self-Soothing America Declared at "Turning Point" Again, Nation Politely Asks for a MapA contributor recently declared that the United States has reached a "turning point," marking the

Trump Advises Maduro to Step Down, Cites Personal Experience With Graceful Exits President Urges Venezuelan Leader to Resign Without Acknowledging Irony President Trump urged Venezuelan leader Nicolás Maduro to step down, framing

The Boo Heard 'Round the World: Why Taylor Swift Really Got Booed at the Super Bowl Taylor Swift fans were shocked—and probably mid-lip-syncing "Anti-Hero"—when a chorus of boos echoed through the

Fitted Sheets -- The Elastic Corners Are Nature’s Revenge Fitted Sheets:  A Tangle That Defies Logic By Lin En Closet, Domestic Mysteries Correspondent ST. PAUL, MN—In a revelation that shocked absolutely no one,

Elon Musk’s DOGE Axes DEI: Parents Cheer as Schools Return to Teaching Reality The Verdict: Parents Love Musk A Budgetary Miracle: Musk’s DOGE Rescues Schools from DEI Nonsense Elon Musk’s Department of Government

Napercise Class: Where Snoring is the Sound of Progress Napercise called "The Lazy Person’s Guide to Fitness" By Yawna Snoreworthy, Rest-and-Recovery Correspondent PALO ALTO, CA—In a bold move that has redefined the concept

West Coast Cities Are Sinking—And So Are Home Prices (But Not Fast Enough) NASA Warns That California Is Slowly Becoming a Snorkeling Destination A new NASA study has confirmed what many Californians

SNAP Benefit Delay Wins Again: Supreme Court Hits 'Pause' Like It's Playing a Giant Remote Control The Supreme Court has once again delayed implementation of expanded SNAP benefits, hitting what legal experts describe as

The Cardboard ‘Anti-Sex’ Beds Are Returning for the 2024 Paris Olympics Floor Practice: Athletes might need to practice their "floor-sleeping" skills just in case. Paris, France -- The cardboard beds from the 2020

Gold Medals and Gourmet Meals: Athletes Trade Training for Truffles Paris 2024: Pastry Podiums and Cheese Celebrations The Culinary Sprint In the vibrant streets of Paris, athletes are sprinting from the finish line

Where Mosquitoes Are the Size of Birds and Winter Lasts Forever Winnipeg: The City Where -40°C Is Just Tuesday Winnipeg sprawls across the frozen prairie like Canada's geographic punishment, a city that

Tour de Food: Athletes Race to Sample French Cuisine and Win the Macaron Medal! From Finish Line to Fine Dining: How Athletes Conquer French Cuisine The Culinary Sprint In the vibrant streets of

Your Ultimate Guide to Cinematic Deja Vu In a world where originality is as rare as a unicorn in downtown Los Angeles, Hollywood has thrown us a curveball that's as surprising