Everything Is Wrong, None of It Your Fault
PHILADELPHIA, Pa. — Socialist candidates have achieved an electoral breakthrough by identifying a widespread national sentiment: Americans desperately want their lives to change, provided the changes do not involve inconvenience, effort or reading instructions.
The winning campaign message was remarkably simple.
“Everything is wrong, none of it is your responsibility, and somebody else should handle it.”
Political consultants described the slogan as the most efficient motivational strategy since the invention of the television remote.
A Campaign That Asks Democracy to Participate in Your Life
“Traditional politicians ask voters to participate in democracy,” explained campaign strategist Nathan Progress. “We ask democracy to participate in their lives while they watch football.”
The movement’s earliest success involved persuading voters that personal improvement was an unreasonable burden.
One voter, 42-year-old Arthur Jenkins, complained that he had not received a promotion in six years.
Asked whether he had pursued additional training, Jenkins explained that the company offered professional development courses on Saturdays.
“Saturdays are when I recover from Fridays,” he said.
Campaign organizers immediately identified mandatory Saturday training as a violation of his constitutional right to avoid Saturday training.
The Federal Bureau of Babysitting
Another voter complained that his neighborhood lacked affordable childcare.
Organizers proposed creating the Federal Bureau of Babysitting.
When asked who would staff the program, officials said they would recruit young adults.
When the young adults demanded higher wages, officials proposed taxing parents to cover the additional expense.
The parents complained that childcare was becoming more expensive.
Organizers declared the complaints proof that more federal funding was urgently needed.
What the Polling Shows
A poll of 1,100 registered voters by the Delaware Valley Survey Group found that 64 percent supported “major change,” while only 12 percent said they were willing to “personally do any part of it.” Another 19 percent asked whether the change could be scheduled around the game.
Why Price Caps on Housing Rarely Work
Political observers say the movement has perfected the art of promising relief without explaining the machinery required to provide it.
Consider homeownership.
A family complains that houses are too expensive.
A politician promises to cap prices.
Builders warn that construction costs and financing conditions still exist. The Library of Economics and Liberty’s entry on price controls explains what usually happens next, which is less housing, and the Census Bureau’s new residential construction data tracks how much of it gets built.
The politician announces a new committee to investigate why builders are being uncooperative.
Six months later, the committee rents expensive office space in a neighborhood where nobody can afford to live.
“We’re making progress,” the committee chairman explains.
Meanwhile, a retired carpenter offers to teach young people basic construction skills.
The program is suspended because he lacks a government certification in Equitable Hammer Distribution. The Bureau of Labor Statistics lists carpentry as a trade learned largely through apprenticeships, a model that, the committee noted, “lacks a form.”
The Self-Reliance Problem
Local activists insist the real problem is that some citizens remain unwilling to accept government assistance.
“Self-reliance creates unfair expectations,” explained community organizer Stephanie Justice. “If one person fixes their own problems, other people might feel pressured to fix theirs.”
The organization has therefore proposed a National Personal Improvement Moratorium.
During the moratorium, Americans would be discouraged from making major life changes until a federal panel determines whether those improvements might create emotional inequality.
An ambitious young electrician asked whether he could open a business.
“Not until we finish assessing your potential success,” officials replied.
“How long will that take?”
“Approximately three years.”
The electrician moved to another state.
Officials celebrated the resulting reduction in local income inequality.
The move has a long history. Economists often point to the countries that capped rents and watched buildings fall apart, a pattern one retired housing economist called “predictable, and then predicted, and then ignored.” Neither the moratorium’s authors nor its supporters could name a city where it had worked.
Five Humorous Observations
- “Saturdays are when I recover from Fridays.” That’s not a defense, that’s a lifestyle. And frankly it’s the only thing in this entire story that sounds like a human being who exists.
- The Federal Bureau of Babysitting. Great. Now the person watching my kids has a pension, a badge and the right to say, “I’m not the only one on duty here.”
- The politician caps prices and the builders say, “Costs still exist.” Which is like telling the guy at the gym he can’t change the weight on the bar and then asking why nobody’s lifting.
- A retired carpenter can’t teach kids to hammer a nail because he doesn’t have a certification in Equitable Hammer Distribution. I’ve known guys who couldn’t hit a nail with a hammer and they’re certified in everything.
- The electrician left the state, and the officials called that “a reduction in local income inequality.” That’s what it’s called when a guy leaves town. Every ex says the same thing: “Less drama.”