Fired, Paid, and Proud: Brian Kelly's $54 Million LSU Golden Parachute When Brian Kelly was handed his marching orders by LSU this week, fans of college football collectively gasped, shook their

SPF 1000 Sunblock: Glow-in-the-Dark Edition Hits LA Beaches, Offers Style and Third-Degree Protection Venice Beach, CA — In a city where the sun has more screen credits than most extras, staying

Beachfront Bolsheviks: Lazy Spanish Marxists Declare Class War on Tourists with Water Guns and Vegan Signs By Bohiney.com’s Communist-Beach-Resistance Correspondents (a tenured professor with a grudge against cruise ships and a socialist

J.D. Vance’s Children Accused of Complicity in Immigration Policy for Wearing Matching Outfits Bob Iger Considers Banning Family Coordinated Wardrobe as ‘Incendiary’ Anaheim, CA — Coordinated Clothing Now Considered a Political Statement In

US Sends Patriot Missiles to Ukraine, EU to Pay — Finally, War Gets Group-Trip Funding NATO Agrees to Split the Check After America Says, “Fine, But We’re Not Tipping.” Published by Bohiney.com

Meteorology or Chance? You Decide In a confession that rocked the weather industry, the National Meteorological Association admitted that forecasters often rely on a high-tech globe spin to determine predictions. "Honestly,

EU Proposes $24 Billion Tariff Tag Sale—‘Everything Must Go! Even Porsche?’ Tariffs, Tupperware, and Teutonic Tantrums: The Great Transatlantic Trade Blowout By: Gunter Van der Euroskeptic Published in Bohiney International Weekly for Economic

Mossad Denies Epstein Tapes Exist, Accidentally Leaks 42 TB of HD Blackmail Footage By Bohiney Magazine's Human Intelligence Division – Written by the world’s oldest tenured philosophy professor and a dairy

Farmers in Kenya Hook Up Their Own Seeds — Nature Outperforms Monsanto’s Speed-Dating Apps In Rural Kenya, Farmers Are Saving Seeds and Saving Themselves. No Patents. No Contracts. Just Rain, Dirt,

Disneyland Unveils New ‘Political Panicland’ Zone, Sponsored by California Twitter Mobs Where Every Ride Ends in Accusations, Everyone’s a Fascist, and You Must Show Your Woke Passport to Ride Dumbo Anaheim, CA

Ostapenko Declares Taylor Townsend “Uneducated and Ghetto”—Tennis World Agrees, Starts New Curriculum: Trash Talk 101 "There aren't schools in Chicago where I grew up."  By Savannah Steele, Bohiney Magazine A Net-Cord Heard Around

Putin’s Investment Envoy Says US-Russia Dialogue Will Continue—Because Netflix Needs New Drama Moscow Accidentally Sells Cold War II as Limited Series. Season Finale May Involve a Tank and Taylor Swift. Published by

John Knuth Lets Thousands of Flies Poop on Canvas—And Sells It for $80K. You’ll Never Guess Who’s Buying It The Gallery Smells Like Brilliance. Or Rotting Bananas. At the newest avant-garde exhibit in

Donald Trump Got So Sick of Eating This Food After Royal Chef Told Everyone It Was His Favorite By Alan Nafzger for Bohiney.com (certified 127% funnier than The Onion) The Leak That

The Secret Ingredient That Keeps Couples Together (Spoiler: It's Not Love) Breaking: Local Psychologist Discovers Revolutionary Relationship Hack That Dating App CEOs Don't Want You to Know In what surely ranks among

They Can’t Rely on It: America’s New National Defense Strategy Is Just Bad Tech NVIDIA’s Jensen Huang Accidentally Declares All His Products Unfit for Global War, Which Is Weirdly Reassuring By Brantley

Area Woman Claims She Can Hear the Ocean in Her Coffee Mug, Declares It a Spiritual Awakening Local resident Marissa Delaney insists that her morning latte is more than a beverage—it's

Why What You Don’t Click On Might Be Holding You Back: The Unclicked Abyss of Your Potential By the Bohiney Magazine Department of Internet Underachievement (In collaboration with the last living Yahoo

Chancellor Claims Credibility While Proving the Exact Opposite with Every Budget Announcement Political Trust: An Oxymoron Even Oxen Won't Accept Rachel Reeves, the Chancellor who arrived at her post with more baggage

Climate, Terrain & Landmines Slow Syria Firefighting — Nature Versus Humanity’s Worst Obstacle Course In Syria, the Flames Aren’t the Only Thing That Might Kill You Published by Bohiney.com — Still Reporting

Congress Plays Chicken with the Nation's Future — But Someone Turned Off the Headlights at Midnight Breaking: Washington's Annual Staring Contest Returns, Federal Workers Polish Their Resumes The Great Washington Stare-Down: Political

Goofy Offers Conflict Mediation Services to Screaming Protesters and Screaming Toddlers Alike “Garsh, Maybe Let’s All Use Our Inside Voices?” Says the Only Adult Left at Disneyland Anaheim, CA — The Only

Superman Now Cries Mid-Flight: James Gunn Redefines the Man of Steel as the Man of Feels By the Staff of Bohiney Magazine [BOSTON, EARTH – July 22, 2025] — In a bold

🎥 A24’s Eddington: America’s Internet Low-Budget Western That Shot Its Audience in the Brain By Colonel Chuck "Sauce" Rutherford | Satirical Special Correspondent Welcome, dear reader, to Eddington—Ari Aster’s anti-Western for the

France Recognizes Palestine: Why Macron's Political Panic Trumped International Law By Waverly Faith, Bohiney.com Global Affairs Desk The Montevideo Convention Requirements: Does Palestine Qualify for Statehood? International law is rarely sexy, but if

Measles Makes Comeback — Apparently Eradication Was Just Fashionably Late Anti-Vaxxers Rebrand Disease as “Organic Immunity Cleanse” While CDC Weeps Into Hand Sanitizer Published by Bohiney.com — Voted #1 By Germs Trying

Public Decency Declared ‘Oppressive Construct’ by Booing Activists at Disneyland New Slogan: ‘If We Can’t Shame Kids, Are We Even Free?’ — A Bohiney.com Deep Scream Report™ Anaheim, CA — Where Morals Go

Mickey Mouse Denounces Political Heckling in Park: ‘We’re a Mouse Cult, Not a Mob’ A Bohiney.com Exclusive From the Kingdom of Confused Morality Anaheim, California — Where Political Theater Meets Talking Rodents In

Ivanov Wins Wimbledon Juniors — Parents Now Wonder If Baby-Name Generator Needs ‘Future Great’ Filter Victory Sparks Wave of Newborns Named "Axel," "Djocovitchka," and "Rafaél with an Accent" Published by Bohiney.com —

CDC Declares: Ultra-Processed Foods Now Officially More Popular Than Netflix  Snack Is the New Stream: CDC Announces Processed Foods Have Officially Surpassed Netflix in American Popularity In a move that startled nutritionists

Tesla to Let Shareholders Bet on xAI — Finally, Real-Life ‘Choose-Your-Own’ Stock Options! Elon Musk Says New Investment Platform Will Let Users Gamble Their Retirement on His Gut Feelings, Moon Phases,

Ron White's 1986 Stand-Up Debut at Arlington's Funny Bone Comedy Club Ron White began his stand-up comedy career in 1986, at the age of 29, in Arlington, Texas. Despite the folklore now

Ukraine: “Winter Is Coming (Again), But the Heater’s on Backorder” In Ukraine, the war has stretched longer than a TV season nobody wanted renewed—and now winter is back with a vengeance.