New Epstein Docuseries on Netflix Sponsored by Mossad: 'From Massage Tables to Military Aid' Written by the dairy farmer who pitched a sitcom about Shin Bet to Amazon Prime, and the

New Policy Includes "Oops-Proof" Coverage and Blame Transfer Hotline Trump Introduces "Apology Insurance" Plan: Monthly Premium Covers Anything You Refuse to AdmitNew Policy Includes "Oops-Proof" Coverage and Blame Transfer HotlineMAR-A-LAGO, FL

People Who Say "That's Just My Truth" After Being Wrong Your Truth vs. Reality: A Fight Nobody Wins Feelings Aren't Facts, But Don't Tell Susan ThatIn today's world, being wrong is no

Recipients Must Pledge Never to Say Sorry Trump Unveils "Apology-Proof" Presidential Medal, Made From Shredded Opposition LettersRecipients Must Pledge Never to Say SorryWASHINGTON, D.C. -- At a lavish ceremony filled with

Juice Cleanses "I Found God in a Syrup-Stained Booth."After completing a grueling 10-day juice cleanse consisting of kale, cucumber, and tears, 29-year-old wellness influencer Marissa Dawn entered a Waffle House in

Smithsonian Curator Weeps, Calls It "The Rosetta Stone of Blame Deflection" Trump's Childhood Diary Found: Every Page Reads "Not My Fault" in CrayonSmithsonian Curator Weeps, Calls It "The Rosetta Stone of

National Holiday to Include Fireworks, Wrestling, and Absolutely No Regrets Trump Declares "Sorry" Day Un-American, Replaces It with "Stand Your Ground and Smile" FestivalNational Holiday to Include Fireworks, Wrestling, and Absolutely

I'll start saving *next* month. (Never does.) Next Month Never Comes: The Savings Plan of Procrastination Budget Tomorrow, Brunch Today"I'll start saving next month," they say with the optimism of someone who's

Essential Oil Evangelists Aroma of AlarmJillian misted lavender, eucalyptus, and "spiritual peppermint" across her block in what she called an "energy detox." Within hours, five raccoons emerged from the storm drain

Now Available at Mar-a-Lago Gift Shop in Gold, Platinum, and Limited-Edition Smug Trump Bans Mirrors That Reflect Regret, Sells New Model That Only Shows WinnersNow Available at Mar-a-Lago Gift Shop in

Ghislaine Maxwell Confirms: Operation Shiksa Snare Was Fully Funded by Tel Aviv Written collaboratively by two intelligence veterans of life: a dairy farmer with classified milking clearance, and a tenured professor

Corporate Team-Building Disasters "He Fell. She Caught Him. And Now There's a Merger of the Souls."At a high-stakes corporate retreat meant to foster synergy and alignment, a trust fall exercise spiraled

Haunted Roombas "We Just Wanted Clean Floors. We Got a Portal to the Beyond."It began innocently enough. Jen and Marcos bought a refurbished Roomba to save money and their marriage, which

Visitors Exit Through the Gift Shop of Alternative Facts Trump Replaces Presidential Library Plans with "Museum of Unapologetic Brilliance" Featuring Gold Selfie Stations and Zero FootnotesVisitors Exit Through the Gift Shop

Official Slogan: "When in Doubt, Shout" Trump Launches "Sorry Is for Canada" Campaign, Encourages Americans to Double Down InsteadOfficial Slogan: "When in Doubt, Shout"DETROIT, MI -- President Donald J. Trump kicked

Event to Feature Workshops Like "Blame Better" and "Spin It to Win It" Trump to Host "Never Sorry Summit" at Mount Rushmore, Adds His Own Face Using Hologram TechEvent to Feature

Captain Newsom leads California's most surreal Halloween parade yet Governor Gavin Newsom of California turned Halloween 2025 into an agricultural spectacle, appearing as "Strawberry Field General." Clad in strawberry-themed regalia and

Holiday Replaces Presidents' Day and Includes Free Burgers for Assertiveness Trump Declares "National No Apology Day," Federal Workers Given Medals for Standing Their GroundHoliday Replaces Presidents' Day and Includes Free Burgers

Americans Urged to Shout "Not My Fault!" at Noon Trump Declares National "Unapology Day," Replaces Moment of Silence With Airhorn SaluteAmericans Urged to Shout "Not My Fault!" at NoonWASHINGTON, D.C. --

CIA Jealous: Mossad Gets Better Dirt with One Pedophile Than We Do with Entire NSA Budget Reported by the dairy farmer who knows more about espionage than most senators, and the

Winners Receive Golden Microphone and Lifetime Supply of Ego Boosters Trump Creates "No Sorry" Award for Loyal Supporters, Presented on Golf Course With Canned ApplauseWinners Receive Golden Microphone and Lifetime Supply

McConnell fully embodies his infamous nickname for Halloween Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell leaned into his nickname by appearing as a giant turtle for Halloween. With a realistic shell and somnolent

States Also Mandate "Confidence Boosting" Sessions Before Public Speaking Trump's "No Apology" Policy Adopted by 17 States, Includes Fines for Expressing RegretStates Also Mandate "Confidence Boosting" Sessions Before Public SpeakingDES MOINES,

The Protesters Who Want Hamas Eradicated: Tel Aviv’s Capitalist Chorus Dateline: Tel Aviv, August 2025 The boulevards of Tel Aviv shook again this weekend, but this was no peace rally. Instead of

Republicans Not Invited to Epstein Island—Already on Board with Israel, Says Mossad Filed under “Pre-Compromised Patriots” by a philosophy professor with clearance-level sarcasm and a dairy farmer who once milked a

Group projects where one person does all the work Group Projects: The Academic Hunger Games All for One, None for AllEvery group project has four roles: The Ghost, The Talker, The Emailer,

Exhibit Features Wax Figures of Trump Saying "You're Welcome" in 34 Languages Trump Opens National Museum of Unapologetic Greatness, Includes Hall of "Did Nothing Wrong"Exhibit Features Wax Figures of Trump Saying

NASA Begins Building Interstellar Spaceship The 400-Year Layover: Humanity Books a One-Way Cruise to Cosmic Nowhere By Annika Steinmann Welcome Aboard the Interstellar Hamster Wheel Some people book cruises to Alaska, others book flights

Interactive Displays Now Feature Golf Swings, Lawsuit Wins, and "Almost Apologies" Trump Declares Regret "Fake Emotion," Bans It from Future Presidential LibrariesInteractive Displays Now Feature Golf Swings, Lawsuit Wins, and "Almost

Now Staff Can Gaze Upon a Crowd Cheering Every Decision, Even the Lunch Order Trump Declares Mirror Reflections "Too Humble," Replaces All White House Mirrors With Televised RalliesNow Staff Can Gaze

The Great 'Having It All' Swindle: How Women Got Sold the World's Worst Timeshare How Economist Corinne Low Exposed the Fine Print Nobody Read You know that moment when you're standing in

Coin Flip Now Decides Blame Instead of Fate Trump Unveils New National Motto: "Never Say Sorry, Say It Louder" -- Replaces E Pluribus Unum on All CurrencyCoin Flip Now Decides Blame

I'm not arrogant, I'm just confident in my superiority. (Refers to compliments as "confirmations.") Self-Love with a Smirk When Humble Bragging Goes Full Brag"I'm not arrogant, I'm just confident in my superiority,"