FDA Yet to Approve “Sorry-Free” Multivitamin Line Featuring Patriot Zinc
Trump Claims Apologies Weaken Bones, Cites “Strongest Spine in Politics” as Evidence
FDA Yet to Approve “Sorry-Free” Multivitamin Line Featuring Patriot Zinc
BEDMINSTER, NJ — Declaring a new frontier in both medicine and masculinity, Donald Trump now claims that saying “I’m sorry” leads to decreased bone density, spine brittleness, and “a general loss of swagger.”
“Apologies are like calcium leeches,” Trump announced, holding a diagram shaped like a strongman doing finger guns. “I’ve never apologized, and I can still do 10 pushups–mentally.”
Backing up his claim, Trump unveiled a new line of multivitamins called “No Guilt Grit,” with ingredients like Patriot Zinc, MAGA-nese, and a proprietary blend known only as “Alpha Dust.”
White House doctors were unavailable for comment, as they were reportedly busy reclassifying self-esteem as a controlled substance.
Trump supporters are already embracing the theory, with one rallygoer claiming, “My femur grew an inch the minute I told my wife “Deal with it.'”
The FDA has issued a polite letter requesting peer-reviewed evidence. Trump responded with a flex and the phrase “I rest my case, and it’s jacked.”
Next on the product line: apology-free milk, toothpaste that insults cavities, and a sunscreen that only protects your ego.
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
