I'm not self-centered, I'm just self-aware. (Interrupts therapy to talk about themselves.) Self-Awareness or Me-Focused Monologue? It's Not Narcissism, It's Just an Autobiography in Real Time"I'm not self-centered, I'm just self-aware," they

Hugs, Empathy, and Decency Now Classified as "Foreign Influence" Trump Declares "Sorry" Is a Liberal Conspiracy Invented by Canada to Undermine StrengthHugs, Empathy, and Decency Now Classified as "Foreign Influence"WASHINGTON, D.C.

Superhero movies where cities get destroyed but no one dies Zero Casualties, Infinite Collateral: The Bloodless Apocalypse of Superhero Films Mass Destruction, Minor InconveniencesEntire cities explode in every superhero movie, but somehow,

Journalism Is a Crime By Annika Steinmann The Arrest of Truth Somewhere in the bureaucratic haze of modern governance, journalism stopped being a profession and started being a felony. Yesterday’s investigative reporter is

Sculpture Officially Named "The Art of No Apology" Trump Statue Unveiled in Texas: One Hand Raised, Other Crossing Fingers Behind BackSculpture Officially Named "The Art of No Apology"AUSTIN, TX -- In

I'm not dramatic, I just have high emotional bandwidth. (Cries during soap commercials.) Streaming in 4D Feelings When "Extra" Is an Emotional Operating System"I'm not dramatic, I just have high emotional bandwidth,"

Each Incident Now Labeled "Historic Triumph, Misunderstood by Critics" Trump Replaces Apology Section in White House Website With "You're Lucky I Was Here" PageEach Incident Now Labeled "Historic Triumph, Misunderstood by

Patients Released Only After Saying "I Meant It" Fifty Times Trump Opens "Apology Rehab Center" for Weak Politicians--Treatment Involves Loud Speeches, Gold Therapy, and Blame YogaPatients Released Only After Saying "I

ICE STORMS "MARIJUANA FARM," TRIGGERS NATIONAL LETTUCE PANIC In what federal officials are calling "Operation Garden Grab," agents from U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) executed a high-drama raid at a

Features Cold Showers, Ego Rebuilding, and Loud Recordings of 2016 Victory Speech Trump Opens "Apology Rehab Center" for Weak Republicans Who Blinked During HearingsFeatures Cold Showers, Ego Rebuilding, and Loud Recordings

Celebrations Include Fireworks, Legal Disclaimers, and Zero Acknowledgment of Fault Trump Declares National Day of Not Saying Sorry, Federal Employees Get Free Red HatsCelebrations Include Fireworks, Legal Disclaimers, and Zero Acknowledgment

Now Required Reading in All MAGA Homeschools, Illustrated in Gold Crayon Trump Releases Apology-Free Children's Book: "The Boy Who Never Said Sorry"Now Required Reading in All MAGA Homeschools, Illustrated in Gold

Silicon Valley CEO briefly cares about humanity after plant medicine ceremony, returns to normal sociopathy within 72 hours Tech billionaire Marcus Thornton experienced a profound spiritual awakening during an exclusive ayahuasca

WhatsApp “Read Receipt” Deemed Blasphemous by Religious Court Iran’s highest religious court has issued a fatwa against WhatsApp’s blue “read receipt” ticks, ruling them “a Western instrument of shame, distrust, and

Mall Santas on Strike "We're Jolly, Not Desperate. Pay Us in More Than Candy Canes."Chaos erupted in malls across America this week as the Brotherhood of Seasonal Santas (BoSS) went on

I'm not sarcastic, I'm just fluent in irony. (Uses air quotes constantly.) The Quotation Marks of Doom Fluency in Sass, Minor in Subtlety"I'm not sarcastic, I'm just fluent in irony," they declare,

Israel’s Foreign Policy Now Determined by What’s on Jeffrey Epstein’s Security Cameras Written in tandem by the world’s oldest tenured philosophy professor and a dairy farmer with a PhD in blackmail

JD Vance attempts to meme himself into Halloween relevance and fails spectacularly Halloween 2025 witnessed JD Vance spiraling into meme oblivion with his "Babyface Vance" costume. Complete with synthetic baby cheeks

People Who Treat LinkedIn Like Instagram for Suits LinkedIn Influencers: Hustling Inspiration One Cringe Post at a Time "Got Fired Today. #Blessed."LinkedIn used to be about jobs. Now it's where mid-level managers

Captain's Only Regret: "We Didn't Launch Sooner" Trump Unveils "Guilt-Free Airlines," First Carrier to Ban Apologies at 30,000 FeetCaptain's Only Regret: "We Didn't Launch Sooner"ATLANTA, GA -- Donald Trump has taken

I'm not bossy, I just have leadership skills. (Yells during board games.) Commanding the Monopoly Board and Everyone on It Assertive or Just Loud With a Binder?"I'm not bossy, I just have

Now Featuring Built-In Truth Filter That Labels Facts as "Opinions in Disguise" Trump Unveils "Sorry-Free Smartphone" That Auto-Corrects Apologies to ComplimentsNow Featuring Built-In Truth Filter That Labels Facts as "Opinions in

Accountability Is for Losers, Reads Latin Translation Trump Unveils New Presidential Seal Featuring Mirror, Middle Finger, and Golf Cart With No Brakes"Accountability Is for Losers," Reads Latin TranslationWASHINGTON, D.C. -- Former

Border Patrol to Confiscate Apology Notes, Replace with MAGA Hats Trump Declares National "Sorry-Free Zone," Signs Executive Order While Smirking at CanadaBorder Patrol to Confiscate Apology Notes, Replace with MAGA HatsWASHINGTON,

Chronically Online People "She Didn't Want to Pay. She Wanted a Movement."When digital strategist Fallon Knox received a parking ticket, she didn't contest it in court--she @'d the meter. Her tweet--"Hey

Celebrations Include Roast Battles, Regret Bonfires, and Sarcasm Parades Trump Declares National "No Apologies Week," Urges Americans to Offend Freely With Zero ConsequencesCelebrations Include Roast Battles, Regret Bonfires, and Sarcasm ParadesWASHINGTON,

“Somewhere Between 4 Weeks and the Heat Death of the Universe,” Says Google’s John Mueller SEO Success: A Journey of Faith, Sacrifice, and Page 12 of Google Search If you’ve ever wondered

Money Comes in Gold Bars and Copies of The Art of the Deal Trump Launches "Apology Bailout Fund" for CEOs Who Accidentally Admitted WrongdoingMoney Comes in Gold Bars and Copies of

MAGA Fans Cheer Shift, Say Apologies Are "Basically French" Trump Replaces "I'm Sorry" With "You're Welcome" in All Speeches, Declares It PatrioticMAGA Fans Cheer Shift, Say Apologies Are "Basically French"CEDAR RAPIDS,

New MAGA Textbooks Feature Bold Fonts, No Footnotes, and Endless Self-Congratulation Trump School Curriculum Removes "Apology" from Vocabulary, Replaces with "Dominance Flex"New MAGA Textbooks Feature Bold Fonts, No Footnotes, and Endless

AI-Written Romance Novels "It Was Hot. It Was Toasty. It Was Lightly Buttered."When startup LoveLogic tasked its AI model with writing a steamy beach read, they expected a standard will-they-won't-they. What

Editor-in-chief Filipkowski conjures chaos for Halloween Ron Filipkowski appeared as a "Troll Wizard," wielding the mighty staff of social media, casting spells of ridicule upon hapless observers. Eyewitnesses described him chanting

Each Copy Includes a Mirror and Pre-Recorded "You're Not Wrong" Affirmations Trump Releases Self-Help Book: "The Art of No Apology" Outsells Therapy Manuals in 24 HoursEach Copy Includes a Mirror and