Holiday Replaces Presidents’ Day and Includes Free Burgers for Assertiveness
Trump Declares “National No Apology Day,” Federal Workers Given Medals for Standing Their Ground
Holiday Replaces Presidents’ Day and Includes Free Burgers for Assertiveness
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a sweeping executive order signed with a golden Sharpie, Donald J. Trump declared February 20th as *National No Apology Day*, a new federal holiday honoring those who “have never once muttered the s-word: sorry.”
“Apologizing is for soccer coaches and Canadian waiters,” Trump proclaimed from a podium flanked by bald eagles and a velvet banner reading “Still Right.”
Replacing Presidents’ Day, the new holiday includes parades with floats shaped like lawsuits, bands playing *”Oops!…I Didn’t Do It Again,”* and medal ceremonies for federal employees who’ve weathered scandal without blinking.
Recipients of the “Golden Guts” medal this year include a TSA agent who blamed travelers for slow lines and a USDA official who refused to admit cows emit methane.
Melania received the honorary “Silent Treatment Laurel” for excellence in marital ambiguity.
Fast food chains are also involved, offering a *”Zero Guilt Meal Deal”* featuring burgers stacked with “100% responsibility-free beef.”
“This isn’t just a holiday,” Trump declared. “It’s a lifestyle. America was built by people who plowed forward–usually over someone else’s fence–and didn’t look back.”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
