WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House has unveiled a breakthrough in gasoline affordability: Americans who once complained about three-dollar gas are being encouraged to remember how fortunate they were to complain about it.
At a ceremony staged beside a gas pump, officials celebrated the psychological achievement of making yesterday’s outrage look like today’s bargain. A family from Ohio was invited to cut the ribbon, but declined after learning the drive to Washington would cost more than the ribbon.
Gas Prices Become a Victory for Historical Perspective
“Americans need to appreciate progress,” explained energy adviser Franklin Octane, gesturing toward a pump displaying a price near four dollars. “Ten years from now, you may look back at this number with tears of nostalgia. We recommend starting early.”
Octane unveiled a new consumer-confidence initiative in which drivers would be shown photographs of more expensive gas stations before paying. A commuter filling a pickup truck would first watch a slideshow of California prices, European fuel taxes and a yacht requiring 800 gallons. By comparison, his $112 fill-up would supposedly feel like finding a quarter in the sofa.
One Texas rancher objected that a cheaper comparison does not make diesel appear in his tank. Officials suggested he consider owning fewer miles of road between the ranch and town.
White House Energy Celebration Meets the Gas Pump
The U.S. Energy Information Administration’s gasoline and diesel price data tracks actual retail fuel prices, which vary by region and change over time. The Department of Energy provides broader information on energy markets and policy. Neither source recommends paying for fuel with historical perspective.
At a station outside Columbus, customer Brenda Mills watched the dollar counter climb faster than the gallon counter. “The pump is clearly better educated than I am,” she said. “It knows how to multiply money without ever producing any.”
The station owner offered a loyalty card: buy nine tanks and receive a complimentary paper towel. Mills asked whether the towel came with financing.
Economists Discover Americans Still Have to Drive
Transportation analysts explained that many Americans cannot simply stop driving. Work, school, medical appointments and grocery stores remain inconveniently located outside their living rooms. Rural families in particular have been stubbornly unwilling to move their farms next door to the nearest supermarket.
A White House task force proposed encouraging shorter trips. Commuters could work closer to home, children could attend closer schools, and cattle could voluntarily relocate near meatpacking plants. The cattle were not consulted.
At the closing ceremony, Octane announced that Americans had achieved a remarkable new milestone: nobody was talking about the terrible three-dollar gas prices anymore.
“That’s the power of leadership,” he declared. “We have successfully made the old problem look affordable.”
Reporters asked when prices would fall. The adviser replied that the administration was already preparing a ceremony for five-dollar gas, just in case.
Editorial disclaimer: This report is a human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. The professor says nostalgia is not a recognized fuel additive. The farmer says he tried pouring it into his tractor anyway, but it still demanded diesel.