CBS Discovers Drunk Driving Is Wrong Approximately Four Years Before Tony Romo’s Contract Expires
Executives at CBS Sports announced this week that they have discovered a firm moral position on impaired driving, a position that arrived with suspicious precision roughly four years before the network would otherwise have finished paying Tony Romo his remaining $72 million contract. Sources describe the timing as “coincidental,” in the same way a hurricane is coincidentally scheduled for the week your roof needed replacing anyway.
Romo was arrested in Milwaukee and cited for OWI, unsafe passing, and having an open container in his vehicle, and now faces a September court date. He has not been convicted of anything. CBS, meanwhile, has been convicted in the court of internal accounting of owing a lot of money to a man it apparently no longer wants to look at.
The Handbook Nobody Read Until Now
According to insiders, CBS’s employee handbook contains a section on “integrity” that had gone unread since roughly 2017, the year Romo signed on. That section was rediscovered last week, stapled — curiously — to a spreadsheet with the header “$72,000,000 REMAINING,” and highlighted in a shade of yellow typically reserved for lawsuits and fire exits.
“We take these matters extremely seriously,” a CBS spokesperson said, in the tone of a man who has just realized seriousness is tax-deductible.
Indefinite Leave, Defined
CBS has placed Romo on leave “until further notice,” a phrase legal teams love because it means absolutely nothing and can be stretched, like taffy or a Jerry Jones press conference, into any shape the moment requires. J.J. Watt has stepped in as the new lead analyst alongside Jim Nantz and Tracy Wolfson, a move the network insists is “temporary” in the same spirit that a Halloween decoration is temporary and yet somehow still up in February.
Insiders told Yahoo Sports that CBS executives moved with unusual speed after the arrest, which is notable, because CBS is an organization that took several years to notice its lead analyst occasionally contradicted himself mid-sentence about which team was favored.
A Moral Clause With Excellent Timing
Romo’s contract reportedly contains a morals clause, the corporate equivalent of a smoke detector that only goes off when the smoke happens to be expensive. CBS did not activate it during years of broadcasting criticism, fan complaints, or Romo’s increasingly abstract vocal noises during fourth-quarter drives. It activated the moment a police report entered the picture, suggesting the clause responds not to morality but to paperwork with a badge number on it.
The Accounting Department’s Finest Hour
Financial analysts note that if CBS can find cause to part with Romo permanently, it may reduce a $72 million liability considerably, a detail that has nothing to do with anything, according to CBS, which brought it up unprompted fourteen times in one meeting.
“This isn’t about money,” said one executive, adjusting a tie clip shaped like a dollar sign. “This is about the integrity of the shield. Also the money.”
What Happens Next
Romo faces his court date in September. CBS faces the considerably more difficult task of explaining, with a straight face, why a network that tolerated years of broadcasting oddities suddenly found its spine the moment a spine became fiscally convenient. Watt, for his part, has said little, mostly because saying little is currently the only safe strategy at CBS Sports headquarters.
Whether Romo returns to the booth remains uncertain. What is certain is that CBS has, for the first time in recorded history, discovered a principle it was willing to enforce — right on schedule, four years early, and $72 million short of a coincidence.
Five Observations on CBS’s Sudden Conscience
- Nothing sharpens a corporate conscience like a spreadsheet with too many zeroes on it.
- “Indefinite leave” is legal Latin for “we are still doing the math.”
- A morals clause that only fires once in eight years is really more of a mood clause.
- J.J. Watt is now the most temporary permanent hire in television history.
- CBS discovered ethics the way most people discover a gym membership — right after a costly event forced the issue.