Trump Reportedly Plans to Keep Going Until Every American Restaurant Menu Contains at Least One Entrée Costing $47
White House Declares Immigration Crackdown Successful After Neighborhood Taco Requires Financing and Proof of Income
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump reportedly intends to continue his historic immigration-enforcement campaign until every restaurant in America offers at least one ordinary entrée costing $47, according to administration officials who believe affordable chicken enchiladas have encouraged the nation to become dangerously complacent.
The new benchmark follows reports that ICE made roughly 51,000 immigration arrests during July, the highest monthly total in the agency’s history. ICE reportedly averaged 1,645 arrests per day, a pace normally associated with Amazon deliveries, mosquito reproduction and Trump announcing that something is the largest in history.
Under the administration’s proposed Restaurant Prosperity Index, immigration enforcement will continue until a family of four can no longer enter a casual restaurant without first meeting with a loan officer.
“The president has been very clear,” said fictional White House culinary adviser Brock Hollandaise. “America will not be secure until a plate of spaghetti costs more than the table.”
Hollandaise explained that the ideal American menu should contain a $19 appetizer described as “shareable,” a $47 entrée described as “rustic” and an $11 bottle of sparkling water described as “curated by gravity.”
Dessert will remain available for customers with excellent credit.
Restaurant Owners Discover Workers Were Doing Work
Restaurant owners initially welcomed aggressive immigration enforcement, particularly those who had spent years complaining that immigrant workers were taking jobs from Americans.
They became less enthusiastic after discovering the immigrants were also cooking food, washing dishes, unloading deliveries, cleaning kitchens, preparing vegetables and arriving for shifts scheduled at times when most Americans are still negotiating with the snooze button.
Full-service restaurant employment remained about 174,000 jobs below its pre-pandemic level as of May 2026, according to the National Restaurant Association. The industry had therefore not completely solved its labour shortage before voluntarily adding a federal manhunt.
“This is devastating,” said fictional Texas restaurant owner Dale Brisket, who supports deportation in principle but prefers it to occur at somebody else’s business.
“We advertised twelve kitchen positions,” Brisket said. “Four Americans applied. One asked whether the position could be remote, one wanted every Friday and Saturday off, and two were federal agents checking our employment records.”
Brisket has since introduced a $47 hamburger called The Patriot.
The Patriot consists of one beef patty, half a tomato and the reassuring knowledge that every person involved in its preparation completed Form I-9.
French fries cost an additional $14 because the restaurant could find only one citizen willing to peel potatoes, and he has a podcast.
Administration Celebrates New Era of Menu Security
At a White House ceremony, officials unveiled a sample menu demonstrating what dining may look like after the immigration crackdown reaches full maturity.
The menu featured Homeland Security Nachos for $38, Border-Control Bisque for $42 and a $47 Caesar salad containing six leaves of lettuce guarded by two armed croutons.
“We are restoring dignity to American labour,” Hollandaise explained. “Previously, restaurants depended on people willing to perform physically demanding work for modest wages. Now they will depend on customers willing to pay $47 for grilled cauliflower.”
The administration insists higher prices will encourage Americans to accept restaurant jobs.
Under this theory, once a burrito costs the same as a used microwave, millions of citizens will abandon accounting, insurance and software development to begin washing industrial baking trays at midnight.
Economists call this the Reverse Appetite Effect, mainly because “nobody knows what happens next” sounded insufficiently academic.
Food prices were already 3 percent higher in June 2026 than one year earlier, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Restaurant operators have also faced rising costs for labour, food, insurance and energy.
The administration views these pressures not as warning signs but as evidence that the $47 entrée is finally within reach.
Diners Introduced to the Appetizer Mortgage
Banks have begun preparing new financial products for Americans who still wish to eat outside the home.
Wells Fargo announced a 15-year fixed-rate appetizer mortgage, while Visa introduced a credit card offering two percent cash back on soup and one complimentary bankruptcy consultation after dessert.
Customers ordering steak will be required to provide proof of income and name the restaurant as an additional insured party.
At one Washington bistro, server Madison Cole presented a couple with the evening’s specials.
“We have locally sourced chicken for $47,” she said. “For $53, the chef will tell you where it was sourced.”
The couple ordered tap water and split the napkin.
Restaurant critics have praised the new pricing structure for bringing theatre back to dining. Each meal now contains suspense, betrayal and a dramatic final act in which the waiter silently places a payment terminal on the table.
A fictional national survey found that 71 percent of Americans now study restaurant menus online before leaving home, 22 percent pretend they have already eaten and 7 percent have begun grazing in public parks.
The survey’s margin of error is plus or minus one side of guacamole.
Employers Demand Legal Workers at Illegal Prices
The administration argues that businesses should hire authorised workers and pay market wages, an entirely reasonable principle that many employers support until the market sends them an invoice.
For decades, some restaurants quietly built business models around low-paid workers with limited bargaining power. Now, after the government begins removing that workforce, the same restaurants are shocked to discover that legal labour costs legal money.
This is not merely an immigration problem. It is capitalism opening the restaurant bill and asking, “Who ordered principles?”
Employers can raise wages, automate tasks, reduce operating hours, simplify menus or increase prices. Most have selected option five: do all four while blaming the customer.
One restaurant replaced three kitchen employees with an automated salad machine. The machine immediately demanded weekends off, joined a union and began adding a 22 percent service charge.
Trump Orders Enforcement to Continue Until Olive Garden Becomes a Special Occasion
Trump reportedly considers the programme incomplete because several national chains still offer entrées under $20.
“That is unacceptable,” he allegedly told advisers in this satirical account. “People walk in without reservations. Some are wearing shorts. You cannot have a secure country when a man can purchase unlimited breadsticks without collateral.”
The administration’s final objective is to transform every neighborhood restaurant into a luxury destination where customers photograph their food because they cannot afford to touch it.
Once the average chicken sandwich reaches $47, officials will declare the border secure, the labour market restored and lunch permanently cancelled.
Until then, enforcement will continue at record speed.
Americans are advised to support lawful immigration, demand responsible employment practices and begin carrying emergency crackers in the glove compartment.
Disclaimer
This is satire. President Trump has not announced a $47 restaurant-entrée target, the White House has no culinary adviser named Brock Hollandaise, and no Caesar salad is currently protected by armed croutons. The ICE arrest total, restaurant employment figures and food-price data are factual scaffolding supporting a banquet of exaggeration, irony and economic indigestion.
This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer.