ORIGINAL ISSUE – Bohiney Magazine from February 22, 1947
SNAG, YUKON, BREAKS THE THERMOMETER AND NORTH AMERICA’S SPIRIT
COLDEST TEMPERATURE EVER RECORDED IN NORTH AMERICA DECLARED ILLEGAL BY COMMON SENSE”
SNAG, YUKON — FEBRUARY 3, 1947
In a feat that has meteorologists screaming and thermometers begging for mercy, the tiny outpost of Snag, Yukon Territory, recorded a staggering -63.0°C (-81.4°F) this month — prompting widespread disbelief, impromptu shivering, and a Canadian man legally changing his name to “Icicle Dave.”
The reading was taken by a group of scientists whose whiskey had frozen mid-sip and whose beards snapped off from sheer despair.
“We didn’t set out to break a record,” said Chief Observer Clifford Gilmore. “We just wanted to survive long enough to tell someone.”
The Arctic Station’s official logbook now contains the following immortal entry:
“Cold. Very cold. Extremely cold. Send help. Or soup.”
NORTH AMERICA’S NOSTRILS FROZE SHUT AT EXACTLY 3:12 A.M.
At precisely 3:12 a.m., Snag’s cold front reached such unbearable intensity that:
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Car tires turned into licorice sticks
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Shovels broke from fear
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Local dogs refused to bark, instead blinking twice for ‘no’
One man, seeking to warm up, tried to light a match — only for the flame to freeze in midair and turn into a tiny, angry snowflake.
OFFICIAL SCIENCE REPORT: “TEMPERATURES THIS LOW VIOLATE THE GENEVA CONVENTION”
The scientific community is divided on how Snag survived the event. Some claim it’s due to unique polar air patterns. Others believe the town exists in a pocket dimension where physics gives up around February.
Professor Leland Snowman of the University of Manitoba released a statement:
“This was not weather. This was atmospheric vengeance. And I say that as a man with two frostbitten textbooks.”
U.S. WARMLY DENIES INVOLVEMENT
When the reading was reported south of the border, American officials at first believed it was a Soviet weather weapon, a joke by bored Canadians, or a new type of Canadian prank where they pretend not to feel cold but die later in private.
President Truman was informed of the temperature at a cabinet meeting and responded:
“Does Canada want a Marshall Plan for mittens?”
POPULATION OF SNAG: 12 MEN, 1 RADIO, AND A CUP OF TEA FROZEN SINCE JANUARY
Snag, an unincorporated settlement so small its post office doubles as a church, weather station, and existential crisis center, currently houses:
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3 dogs (2 frozen mid-howl)
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1 radio that only plays warm jazz ironically
Locals have adapted. They sleep inside their stoves, butter their socks, and play poker with slabs of ice.
EMERGENCY SUPPLY DROP: 40 BLANKETS AND A PHONOGRAPH OF FRED ALLEN’S JOKES
To raise morale, the Royal Canadian Air Force dropped supplies, including:
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Wool blankets
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Thermoses
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A phonograph that plays Fred Allen comedy routines to trick the mind into thinking it’s 10 degrees warmer
Said one survivor:
“We laughed so hard, our breath froze into a sculpture of Eleanor Roosevelt. We keep it on the porch.”
MILK FROZEN IN COWS, MOISTURE OUTLAWED BY LOCAL MAYOR
Reports indicate cows are refusing to produce milk until spring. One stubborn heifer was seen wearing earmuffs and chewing on frozen hay like a popsicle.
The town’s acting mayor, an elderly man named Carl who’s been mayor since everyone else left, declared:
“From this day forward, moisture is illegal. All tears must be cried in July.”
MEANWHILE, IN MONTANA: “SEE, WE TOLD YOU IT COULD BE WORSE”
Across the border, Montanans took Snag’s record as a personal challenge. Towns like Havre and Glasgow celebrated by lighting fires, removing one mitten, and claiming “this is nothing compared to 1936.”
A Wyoming rancher, after hearing the temperature, said:
“We don’t measure cold in degrees. We measure it in how many relatives freeze mid-sentence.”
WORLD REACTS:
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United Kingdom: “We don’t know what -81 means, but it sounds colonial.”
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France: “We would surrender to that temperature.”
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Moscow: “We have enough, thank you.”
WHAT THE FUNNY PEOPLE ARE SAYING – 1947 EDITION
“Snag, Yukon? That’s not a town, it’s a punishment for sins committed in warmer climates.” — Groucho Marx
“They say it was -81. That’s not a temperature, that’s a bowling score.” — Jack Benny
“I once went to Winnipeg in winter. Snag makes Winnipeg look like Miami with frostbite.” — Bob Hope
“At that temperature, even my sarcasm froze. And it usually runs hot.” — Lucille Ball
THE RADIO REPORT THAT SHOOK A CONTINENT
At 7 a.m., CBC Radio broadcast the news across Canada. Families huddled by stoves. Children asked if hell had frozen over. Priests began sermons with the phrase, “Let us pray for Snag, for they are already in purgatory.”
The announcer reportedly said:
“And in other news, Snag, Yukon, reported a temperature of minus 81.4 Fahrenheit. We remind you this is not a joke and advise remaining indoors until June.”
EXPERTS RECOMMEND THE FOLLOWING FOR -81.4°F
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Do not breathe too fast. Your lungs may crack like grandma’s china.
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Avoid sarcasm. It may freeze on your face forever.
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Don’t touch your wife. She will shatter.
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Keep matches in your mouth. It’s the only warm place left.
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If a bird flies past, ask it for advice. If it’s flying, it knows something you don’t.
POLAR BEARS FILE GRIEVANCE WITH GOD
Local wildlife have begun migrating further south. A polar bear was seen trying to check into a hotel in Vancouver. A fox turned itself in to the Mounties just to get into a heated cell.
One snowy owl refused to flap, claiming,
“This is beneath my feathers.”
TOURISM SLOGAN WITHDRAWN
Snag’s former tourism slogan:
“Snag: Where the North Begins!”
Has now been replaced with:
“Snag: Where the Cold Makes Decisions for You.”
The Chamber of Commerce has resigned en masse and fled to Saskatchewan.
SCHOOL CLOSED, REPLACED WITH CHISELED INSTRUCTIONS ON ICE WALL
The local one-room schoolhouse has suspended operations until further notice. The teacher, Ms. McNulty, left a frozen chalk message on the door:
“Lessons will resume when our ink flows again. Until then, read your breath for poetry.”
BORDER PATROL WARNS AMERICANS: DO NOT VISIT SNAG
U.S. officials placed signs along the Alaska Highway:
“WARNING: YOU ARE ENTERING SNAG. TURN BACK IF YOU VALUE YOUR LUNGS.”
Despite this, two Minnesotans in flannel attempted the journey “for bragging rights” and were last seen being chased by a snowdrift shaped like a horse.
SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY PLANS REPEAT TRIP, IMMEDIATELY CANCELS
A proposed expedition from the University of Toronto to study Snag’s climate ended when the lead scientist’s eyeglasses exploded from the mere idea of -81.
“We wanted to go,” he said, “but the thermometer called us cowards, and we agreed.”
POSTAL SERVICE OFFICIALLY CHANGES SNAG’S ZIP CODE TO “BRRR”
Mail delivery has ceased indefinitely. The last letter, frozen to the postman’s hand, reads:
“Dear Martha, I regret this assignment. Please tell the children their father’s final word was ‘Wool.’”
THE LAST STANDING THERMOMETER IS NOW IN THE CANADIAN HALL OF FAME
The mercury-based thermometer that recorded the record temperature has been enshrined in Ottawa, flanked by statues of wool socks and a nervous moose.
It is now labeled:
“The bravest instrument in meteorology.”
UPCOMING WEATHER FORECAST: STILL HELL, BUT WITH WINDCHILL
According to meteorologists, the forecast for Snag remains:
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-60°F (daytime)
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“Regret” (nighttime)
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“Frozen despair” (Thursday)
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“Hope” (July)
WHAT SNAG REALLY NEEDS: A NEW SUN
In the words of Carl, the mayor, butcher, and amateur philosopher:
“This ain’t weather. This is how nature tells you it doesn’t want you here.”