Congress Discovers It Can Rewrite the Universe If the Committee Hearing Runs Long Enough
According to Noah Rothman’s column, Congress is once again debating daylight saving time, creating the familiar spectacle of elected officials treating orbital mechanics as a policy preference rather than a property of the solar system. The annual ritual features legislators convinced that, with enough hearings, subpoenas, and strongly worded press releases, the Earth will eventually agree to rotate on a more convenient schedule.
Congress vs. the Solar System: Who Has Jurisdiction?
Members of Congress remain optimistic that the Sun has simply never received clear legislative guidance. The House recently passed its own version of the Sunshine Protection Act, proving once again that nothing says “we have this under control” like a 308-117 vote on the rotation of a planet.
Several representatives reportedly argued that if inflation, immigration, and the national debt refuse to cooperate, perhaps celestial mechanics will prove more bipartisan.
One committee member allegedly asked whether the Earth had submitted the proper environmental paperwork before completing another revolution around the Sun.
The Daylight Saving Time Fans
Supporters insist changing the clock twice a year saves daylight, despite daylight continuing to arrive with complete indifference to congressional intent.
Experts estimate Americans spend approximately two weeks each year wondering why the microwave, oven, car dashboard, and grandfather clock all disagree with one another.
The Permanent Standard Time Crowd
Opponents responded that permanent standard time is the only scientifically respectable position.
Within minutes they were accused of waging an extremist campaign on behalf of sunrise enthusiasts.
The Permanent Daylight Saving Time Crowd
Their rivals insist sunset should occur whenever people personally find it emotionally convenient.
One witness proposed moving noon to 3 p.m. because lunchtime meetings have become unbearable.
Scientists Politely Remind Congress It Does Not Own Gravity
Astronomers quietly observed that Congress possesses broad constitutional authority, but not jurisdiction over the Earth’s axial tilt. For the record, NASA reportedly confirmed that planets have shown little interest in participating in public comment periods.
Television Morning Shows Perform Their Annual Ceremony
Every March, anchors perform the sacred annual ceremony of pretending nobody has ever before lost one hour of sleep.
Reporters interview exhausted commuters who declare, “I’m tired,” as though they alone have uncovered a flaw in Western civilization.
Social Media Becomes a Chronobiology Department
Every user becomes an amateur chronobiologist.
Half the internet posts, “Just pick one!”
The other half replies, “Not that one.”
By lunchtime everyone has earned an honorary doctorate in circadian rhythms.
Lobbyists Arrive for a Fight Nobody Asked Them To Join
Special interest groups immediately appeared representing golfers, breakfast restaurants, owl populations, schoolchildren, energy companies, commuters, and people who simply enjoy arguing online.
Only the Sun declined to hire representation, a decision that per the Sunshine Protection Act’s own legislative history puts it in exclusive company.
The Cosmos Issues No Statement
The universe issued no statement.
It continued expanding at the previously scheduled rate, apparently unaware that Congress had opened a markup session.
In the end, humanity once again gathered to perform its favorite democratic tradition: holding passionate debates over a clock while the Earth silently completed another trip around the Sun exactly on schedule. 🌍⏰
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