Gandhi’s Ghost Declared a “Reactionary Ghoul” by Radical Mindfulness Collective
By Tranquilina Ragewell, Senior Correspondent for Spiritual Reeducation Monthly
SANTA FE, NM (In a Scented Yurt Near You) — The Radical Mindfulness Collective, a decentralized meditative resistance guild best known for their slogan “Namaste is Colonial Gaslighting,” has officially declared Mahatma Gandhi’s ghost to be a “Reactionary Ghoul.”
The declaration came moments after Gandhi’s spectral form attempted to attend a cacao-fueled breathwork retreat in the high desert. Eyewitnesses report he was immediately smudged with 13 bundles of fair-trade sage and escorted out of the geodesic dome for “wreaking metaphysical microaggressions.”
“His aura is aggressively serene,” said Luna Softrage (they/moon), the collective’s chief chakra compliance officer. “It violated our energy consent boundaries.”
Spectral Fascism or Ethical Enlightenment?
Gandhi’s ghost reportedly attempted to float a message:
“Peace begins with listening.”
To which the Collective responded via group chanting:
“Listening is a tool of epistemic oppression unless conducted within a non-hierarchical energetic safe zone.”
The group then entered a 14-hour trauma drum circle to process what they described as Gandhi’s “hauntological supremacy.”
New Vocabulary Emerges: “Spectro-Colonialism”
Dr. Sage Starhawk, Professor of Post-Materialist Subaltern Studies at UC-Berkeley (Remote Moon Campus), offered a TEDxTalk titled:
“When Peace Is Violence: Deconstructing Spectro-Colonial Ghost Energy”
“When an ancestral male ghost floats in without affirming our pronoun vibrations, that’s ghostsplaining,” she said. “It’s not just haunting—it’s hauntocracy.”
Ghostbusters Deemed ‘Too Patriarchal’ for Removal
In a controversial twist, the Collective refused to call Ghostbusters, stating the franchise was “cis-masculine and tech-centric.”
Instead, they summoned “The Spirit Liberation Chorus,” a non-binary circle of interpretive mime shamans who attempted to evict Gandhi’s ghost by miming the Partition of India in slow motion.
“We almost succeeded,” said performance leader Xan Daggerlotus. “But he kept floating back whispering ‘nonviolence’ in Sanskrit, which is totally an elitist language.”
Gandhi’s Attire Triggers ‘Visual Spiritual Panic’
A Bohiney.com fashion pulse-poll revealed 74% of spiritual influencers found Gandhi’s minimalist robe “aggressively anti-glitter.”
“He didn’t even bring a single mood crystal,” sobbed influencer @HealingHexxx. “That’s not just outdated—it’s spectral austerity.”
Ceremonial De-Manifestation Demanded
In a formal parchment burned into the ether, the Radical Mindfulness Collective demanded:
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Immediate self-departure from the realm of the living-dead.
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An apology poem written in seven elemental languages.
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Reparations in the form of moon tokens deposited into their Patreon.
“We are prepared to hold a forgiveness-based exorcism,” said Luna Softrage, “but only if Gandhi’s ghost agrees to undergo an intersectional soul audit.”
Gandhi’s Ghost Attempts Reconciliation, Fails
In a final desperate act, Gandhi’s ghost projected an auric slideshow titled “Peace: A Trans-Temporal Offering.”
But the audience turned away in disgust when slide 7 revealed that he once sat cross-legged without a consent mat.
“That pose enforces hierarchical chakra dominance,” said collective member Harmony Ragemoss. “We only allow criss-cross egalitarian-style.”
Spiritual Irony Ensues
Ironically, the Radical Mindfulness Collective has now partnered with Antifa Haunting Response Squad (AHRS) to develop “anti-oppressive ghost cleansing spray” (now available in eucalyptus-lemongrass and guillotine-rose).
Their new slogan?
“No justice, no haunting.”
What’s Next for Gandhi’s Ghost?
Rumors swirl that Gandhi’s ghost has been offered asylum at a conservative yoga studio in Florida called “Namaste Y’All,” where he’s reportedly been seen doing hot yoga beside Ron DeSantis’ wife and a Labrador named Liberty.