Refused to Read Anything with a Plot or Pronouns
SEATTLE, WA — Members of the Magnolia Mindful Readers Club have formally disinvited Mahatma Gandhi from further meetings after he repeatedly refused to read assigned texts, citing “narrative colonization” and an “excessive reliance on pronouns.”
“We were discussing a memoir about a woman’s healing journey through bread-making,” said club president Kayleigh Swoon. “And he just sat there, cross-legged, holding a rock and saying, “The self needs no arc.'”
Gandhi reportedly submitted his own reading selection–a blank notebook titled *Untitled, Because Labels Are a Form of Violence.* When asked what it was about, he replied, “The space between thoughts.”
Fellow members grew frustrated when Gandhi refused to engage in thematic discussion or answer the icebreaker question, “Which character did you most identify with?” Instead, he closed his eyes and offered everyone an invisible flower.
“He called the protagonist’s emotional journey “a distraction from collective stillness,'” said longtime member Dana Blep. “Which is kind of rich coming from someone who brought loose lentils to the potluck without a bowl.”
After several passive-aggressive emails and one emergency meeting over Zoom, the group voted unanimously to remove Gandhi from the club roster. A parting gift of a Barnes & Noble gift card was left anonymously on his meditation cushion.
Gandhi has since formed a rival reading group called “UnBookables,” where participants gather weekly to silently contemplate the spine of unread volumes while drinking boiled tap water.
The original club has moved on to reading a thriller about a ghost with boundary issues. Gandhi’s group is still staring at a page that says “Begin.”
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