Claims “Stretching Is a Form of Ambition”
SANTA MONICA, CA — Chaos unfolded at SoulSprout Studio yesterday after Mahatma Gandhi dramatically walked out of a beginner’s yoga class, declaring that “stretching is a form of ambition” and that “bodies should not chase shapes.”
Witnesses say the tension began during the third downward dog when Gandhi paused, sat upright, and quietly began deconstructing the moral implications of flexing on purpose. “He asked if the pose was serving our egos or just mocking our ancestors,” said instructor River Lume, who teaches Vinyasa Flow with crystal accompaniment.
“It was like being heckled by a peaceful ghost,” said one classmate. “I was mid-plank and suddenly questioning my attachment to hamstrings.”
Gandhi reportedly criticized the playlist of remixed sitar beats as “auditory colonization” and refused to chant “Om,” instead humming the frequency of unspoken truth (note: it registered as F# on the studio’s wellness tuner).
The walkout occurred during the Warrior II sequence, which Gandhi described as “violent nomenclature disguised as balance.” One student attempted to reason with him, but he responded by handing them a sandal and saying, “Hold this until you no longer need it.”
Studio owner Willow Fern issued a statement: “While we respect all paths to mindfulness, we do ask that guests honor our Pose Compliance Agreement. Also, sandals must be worn in the lobby.”
Gandhi has since begun offering his own rival yoga class under a tree in Echo Park. It consists of stillness, judgment-free non-breathing, and a two-hour meditation on the ethics of mat ownership. The class is currently booked through August.
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