Holy Deep Dish: Chicagoan Becomes Pope, Vatican Learns to Love Lou Malnati’s and Midwest Niceness
From South Side to St. Peter’s—How Pope Leo XIV’s Love of Portillo’s, Peruvians, and Penance Might Just Save the Catholic Church
The Windy City Meets the Holy See
VATICAN CITY — In a move hailed by theologians, Cubs fans, and confused alpacas alike, the College of Cardinals has elected Robert Francis Prevost of Chicago freaking Illinois as the 268th pope of the Roman Catholic Church. Yes, you heard that right—the new pope is from Chicago. And not just any part—South Side. That’s right: Pope Leo XIV is more likely to bless a bratwurst than banish a heresy.
The conclave that selected him was reportedly “deeply moved by his calm demeanor, Midwestern accent, and mastery of the three Ps: Penance, Peru, and Pizza.”
A Pope Who Knows the Value of a Good Parking Spot
Born in 1955 and raised in the land of lake-effect snow and Bears heartbreak, Pope Leo XIV brings something the Vatican hasn’t seen in centuries: a pope who knows how to parallel park during a Cubs game. His Jesuit training in hardship includes 30 years trying to convince people in Peru that Italian beef sandwiches are not demonic.
“God’s grace is great,” Leo XIV said in his first address, “but let’s not underestimate Giordano’s stuffed crust either.”
Eye witnesses say he gently wiped marinara from his vestments as he waved to pilgrims.
Missionary Work: Holy Orders and Hot Sauce
Pope Leo XIV is fluent in Spanish, canon law, and the complex etiquette of Peruvian dinner parties. He once wrestled a rogue llama to save a communion chalice, proving once and for all that he’s not your grandma’s pope—unless she’s from Lima and bakes Eucharist empanadas.
His decades in Peru included working as seminary rector, canon law professor, and part-time guinea pig whisperer. Local sources say he was “the only gringo who could do Mass and salsa without making anyone uncomfortable.”
“Father Bob,” as he was known then, was often found hosting parish barbecues and reading Aquinas by candlelight—because the electricity was out again.
The Vatican Reacts: Confused But Hungry
Cardinals initially questioned his fitness for the papacy when he offered them deep dish pizza during deliberations, violating 900 years of fasting protocol. “At first we thought it was a test,” said Cardinal Giovanni Rossini. “Then we realized he was just… Midwestern nice.”
According to a leaked papal briefing, his first three executive orders are:
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Replace Vatican communion wafers with lightly salted Ritz.
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Build a papal ice-fishing hut for winter retreats.
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Declare Chicago-style hot dogs a miracle of divine architecture.
From Celibacy to Cell Block Tango
The pope’s cousin Tina, a retired nurse from Joliet, told SpinTaxi.com exclusively: “We always knew Bobby was special. When he was 12, he refused to sell indulgences during Monopoly. Said it ‘cheapened the sanctity of Park Place.’”
Meanwhile, Catholic school kids in Illinois are already planning field trips to the Vatican, citing his election as proof that “we can sin hard and still win big.”
Vatican Merch Hits the Shelves
Holy See merch is flying off the shelves. T-shirts read “Our Father Who Art from 60628” and bumper stickers declare: “This Pope Brakes for Pierogi.” A line of rosary beads featuring tiny deep-dish slices is in development.
Jesuit schools are renaming theology departments to “The Church of Da Pope.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“A pope from Chicago? Does that mean the next miracle will be a parking spot outside Wrigley?”
— Jerry Seinfeld
“I love this pope. He speaks Spanish, he understands canon law, and he can tell you which CTA line gets you closest to confession.”
— Sarah Silverman
“Midwesterners are perfect for religion. They say sorry before they even sin.”
— Ron White
“The Catholic Church is now led by a man who thinks ketchup on hot dogs is heresy. Finally, some theological clarity.”
— Trevor Noah
Jesus, Justice, and Jibaritos
Critics have praised Leo XIV for his balanced views: pro-tradition, pro-mysticism, and pro-letting nuns run stuff. His official stance on climate change is: “Stop killing the planet, you morons, it’s where Jesus keeps his trees.”
He’s already reformed the Swiss Guard by replacing halberds with snow shovels and forcing daily kindness drills. One cardinal, speaking under the cloak of confession, said, “It’s hard to argue with a pope who can quote Augustine and also knows how to make chili.”
A recent poll from Pew-Pie Research found that:
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89% of Catholics feel “weirdly comforted” by his voice.
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67% believe he can fix Vatican finances just by applying Chicago street-smarts.
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12% mistook him for Mike Ditka in robes.
Final Blessing from the South Side
Pope Leo XIV ended his first official Mass with the words, “May the peace of Christ be with you, and may the Cubs finally win again.”
He then walked off-stage humming “Sweet Home Chicago” and throwing rosaries like Mardi Gras beads.
As of press time, the Pope’s papal throne had been retrofitted with cup holders and a Cubs-themed seat cushion.
Disclaimer:
This satirical article is a human collaboration between a Jesuit-trained professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. All sources, quotes, and snacks mentioned are either imaginary or based on real lunch orders. No guinea pigs were harmed during the writing of this story.
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