State Department Replaces Embassy Phone Line With Slowpoke Telegram Bot
In a bold diplomatic pivot sure to confuse and delight few, the U.S. State Department has replaced its Iranian embassy phone lines with a Telegram bot named “Uncle Sam Replier,” designed to respond to all inquiries within “3–17 business weeks.”
The bot begins each chat with, “Hello! This is the Freedom Portal™. Please type your concerns using only early-2000s American slang and lowercase letters.”
Once activated, the bot offers a series of helpful options:
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“Wanna defect? Hit us up.”
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“Visa probs, bruh?”
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“Send memes, not missiles.”
However, users quickly reported problems. “I asked about my green card, and it sent me a George W. Bush GIF shrugging,” said one confused Iranian medical student.
Some users were auto-blocked after typing the word “nuclear,” while others received 17 patriotic eagle stickers and a link to a YouTube playlist called Yeehaw Diplomacy.
The bot’s language processing appears outdated, referring to sanctions as “bad vibes” and encouraging users to “keep it chill, homeslice.”
When asked if a human would ever intervene, the State Department clarified, “Only if the bot detects either sincere poetry or clear signs of oil reserves.”
Still, some Iranians have found comfort in the bot’s awkward but consistent replies. “At least it listens,” said one man. “Unlike my cousin who left Iran and now thinks he’s too good to text back.”