Putin Echoes Trump’s Claim That Ukraine War Wouldn’t Have Happened If He Was President
Also, Rain Would Have Fallen Upward and Gas Would Be 25 Cents
Moscow (or Maybe Mar-a-Lago) – By Rusty Truther, Bohiney.com
Russian President Vladimir Putin has officially joined the “What If” Club, a prestigious group of people who believe alternative realities are always better than the ones we live in. In a recent interview, Putin suggested that the Ukraine war could have been completely avoided had former U.S. President Donald Trump remained in office.
Naturally, this comment has sent both international analysts and late-night comedians scrambling to decode whether Putin is:
- Trying to troll Biden
- Hinting at a new 2024 campaign slogan for Trump
- Auditioning for a Fox News primetime slot
Either way, Trump himself was quick to agree, responding from his Mar-a-Lago resort with, “Vlad is right! Best relationships! Nobody had a better relationship with Putin than me! Some people even say I was better friends with him than his own oligarchs, folks!”
Putin’s Secret Plea for Help: Biden Missed the Call—Literally
In a shocking revelation that has the world gasping—mostly for air between fits of laughter—Vladimir Putin claims he begged Joe Biden and Antony Blinken to intervene in Ukraine before the war even started. Yes, you heard that right! According to Putin, he practically pleaded with the Biden administration, but they left him on read.
“Putin says he asked Biden to intervene in Ukraine. That’s like asking a goldfish to drive you to work.” — Bill Burr
Picture Putin pacing around the Kremlin, phone in hand, dialing Washington. “Joe! Tony! Help! I’m about to invade Ukraine and I need someone to stop me!” Crickets. Meanwhile, Biden was busy trying to figure out why his TV remote wouldn’t change the channel from Matlock.
- The Time Zone Excuse – The Biden administration probably ignored Putin’s call because it came in at 3 a.m., and we all know there’s no way Joe Biden is answering a phone after his bedtime yogurt. Meanwhile, Blinken was likely crafting another vague diplomatic statement: “We are monitoring the situation closely and urge all parties to de-escalate.” Translation: We are monitoring the situation and will respond in three to five business days.
- The Missed Call Conspiracy – Putin insists he made the call, but the White House claims they never got it. Given Biden’s history with technology, this tracks. He probably listened to Putin’s voicemail thinking it was a robocall about his car’s extended warranty. “C’mon, man! Vlad, quit messing around!”
- Western Media’s Magic Eraser – If Putin really did announce his plea, Western media had it buried faster than a scandalous Hunter Biden laptop. It’s like abracadabra—poof, the news disappears! Meanwhile, CNN’s top story that day was “Joe Biden’s Sunglasses: The Secret Weapon Against Putin”.
Blinken, on the other hand, was reportedly too busy composing a strongly worded tweet. By the time he hit “send,” tanks were already rolling into Kyiv.
“If Putin really wanted Biden’s attention, he should’ve told him there was free ice cream involved.” — Stephen Colbert
But here’s the best part—Putin says he announced all of this to the Russian people, but Western media buried the story! Of course! Because nothing says “free press” like covering for Joe Biden’s inability to answer a phone.
Maybe next time Putin should send a Snapchat?
Alternate Reality Trump: The Ukraine Peacekeeper?
According to Putin, the U.S. under Trump would have prevented war because “he is a pragmatic man”—which roughly translates to, “he takes my calls and doesn’t use speakerphone.”
It remains unclear exactly how Trump would have stopped the war, but political scientists speculate it would have involved one of the following methods:
- A massive real estate deal where Ukraine gets turned into Trump Golf Course & Resort #48.
- A tweet at 2 a.m. threatening “the most beautiful, most tremendous, never-before-seen kind of consequences.”
- A summit where Putin and Zelenskyy settle everything over steaks and Diet Coke, followed by a handshake where Trump pulls Putin in too aggressively, leading to geopolitical stability.
Meanwhile, Biden responded to Putin’s comments with, “Look, here’s the deal, folks. Come on. This guy—he, uh—c’mon, man.”
Experts Weigh In: Could Trump Have Stopped the War?
While Putin’s claim has left most people rubbing their temples, some experts are seriously considering it.
Dr. Ivan Thinknot, a professor of Alternative History at Nowhere University, explained: “If Trump had been president, he might have promised Putin a deal so convoluted that by the time anyone understood it, four years would have passed, and the war would’ve been outdated.”
Meanwhile, NATO officials expressed skepticism, with one anonymous diplomat stating, “Trump barely knew which countries were in NATO. He once asked if Luxembourg was a brand of cologne.”
Trump’s Reaction: “Putin is a Genius” Revisited
Trump’s past praise for Putin has made headlines before. When the invasion of Ukraine started, he famously called Putin “a genius,” which led to the following:
- The GOP collectively panicking.
- The Democratic Party mailing out 10 million fundraising emails.
- A Fox News segment titled “Trump’s Genius: What the Libs Won’t Tell You.”
This time around, Trump doubled down, saying, “If I was in charge, Ukraine wouldn’t have been invaded, gas would be 25 cents, and Hunter Biden’s laptop would have been in prison where it belongs.”
White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre later responded with, “We don’t comment on hypotheticals, but also, please stop asking us about Trump.”
Zelenskyy’s Take: “Wait, What?”
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy—who has spent the last two years dodging missiles and sending out GoFundMe links—seemed confused by the entire situation.
“Wait, Trump thinks he could have stopped the war? This is the same guy who tried to shake my hand so hard in 2019 that I thought I had lost my watch,” said Zelenskyy.
“Also, didn’t he try to blackmail me into investigating Hunter Biden?”
Sources confirm that Zelenskyy then sighed deeply before returning to his regularly scheduled duties, which include dodging missile strikes and begging Congress to Google ‘Ukraine’ once in a while.
Biden’s Official Response: A Strongly Worded Nap
Biden, asked to respond to Putin’s remarks, squinted at reporters for 12 seconds before saying, “Folks, I’ve been around. I know world leaders. I met Corn Pop. Putin? He’s, uh, he’s a guy who—look, Jack, I ain’t buying it.”
The Biden campaign then released an official statement that read:
- Putin is bad.
- Trump is bad.
- Please don’t vote for Trump again.
This statement was reportedly reviewed and approved by “Some Guy at the DNC.”
Helpful Content for Concerned Citizens
- Pro Tip: If you’re confused about whether Trump could have actually prevented the Ukraine war, just remember—this is the same guy who thought Finland was part of Russia.
- Best Practice: If you hear a politician say “This would have NEVER happened if I was in charge,” remind them that hindsight is 20/20, but their actual record is, at best, legally blind.
- Insider Secret: Political time travel is not real. If it were, Biden would have gone back and taken a nap before his debate with Trump in 2020.
Disclaimer
This article is a human collaboration between two sentient beings—one cowboy and one farmer—who firmly believe that history is just a series of increasingly bad remakes. Putin’s claims are presented here with the level of seriousness they deserve, which is none. For more satire that is 127% funnier than The Onion, visit bohiney.com.
15 Observations on Putin Echoing Trump’s Claim About Ukraine
- Putin saying Trump would have stopped the Ukraine war is like saying a fire would have put itself out if you threw gasoline at it more confidently.
- Trump’s foreign policy strategy was mostly yelling “tremendous deal” until people got confused and left the room—maybe that would have worked on Putin too.
- If Trump was president, sure, the Ukraine war might not have happened… because Putin would have just bought Ukraine for $50 and a round of golf.
- Trump preventing war? The man started trade wars with China over soybeans. If he got involved in Ukraine, we’d probably be fighting Poland over pierogi tariffs.
- Biden’s response to Putin’s claim was probably, “C’mon, man.” And then he forgot what he was responding to.
- Putin and Trump debating the Ukraine war is like two guys arguing over who should be in charge of the moon—it’s just going to keep orbiting regardless.
- Trump did stop one war during his presidency—the war against low ratings on The Apprentice by getting himself fired.
- The only thing that would have kept Putin from invading Ukraine under Trump is that they’d both be too busy giving each other weird alpha-male handshakes.
- Trump once asked his national security team if we could nuke a hurricane—are we really sure we want him negotiating with Putin?
- If Trump had still been in office, he probably would have solved the Ukraine crisis by tweeting “BIG MISTAKE, VLADIMIR” in all caps and calling it a day.
- The real reason Putin thinks Trump could have prevented war? Trump doesn’t read intelligence briefings, so he never would have noticed the invasion.
- Trump stopping the war? He thought Finland was part of Russia—he probably would have told Ukraine, “Sorry folks, you belong to Moscow, I checked the map.”
- *Putin saying Trump would have stopped the war is like a bank robber saying he wouldn’t have robbed the bank if the security guard was really nice to him.
- If Trump were still in office, the Ukraine situation would have been handled beautifully, by which I mean he’d have blamed Hillary Clinton for it somehow.
- The only war Trump has ever stopped is the one between him and vegetables on his dinner plate.
10 Comedy Lines on Putin and Trump’s Ukraine Claims
- Putin saying Trump would have stopped the Ukraine war is like me saying I would have stopped global warming if I just had a bigger air conditioner. — John Mulaney
- Trump solving Ukraine? The guy couldn’t even solve a pandemic with scientists giving him step-by-step instructions. — Samantha Bee
- I love when politicians claim “this wouldn’t have happened if I were in charge.” Yeah, and my ex says we’d still be together if she won the lottery. Big ifs all around. — Trevor Noah
- Trump stopping war? The guy thought windmills cause cancer—he’d probably try to defeat Putin with a large fan. — Stephen Colbert
- Putin and Trump discussing Ukraine is like two guys arguing about who should drive when neither of them has a license. — Bill Maher
- If Trump was in office, sure, the Ukraine war might not have happened… but mostly because he would have accidentally given Putin Alaska in a trade deal. — Jimmy Kimmel
- Trump’s foreign policy style was basically “If I don’t understand it, it doesn’t exist.” So yeah, maybe he wouldn’t have noticed Ukraine was even being invaded. — Seth Meyers
- If Trump had been president, he would have told Ukraine, “I’m sorry folks, but I heard from the best people that you actually belong to Russia. Sad!” — David Letterman
- I believe Trump could have stopped the Ukraine war… because if there’s one thing he’s great at, it’s not paying people what he owes them. — Ricky Gervais
- Putin trusting Trump to keep the peace is like trusting a raccoon to guard your garbage can. — John Oliver