Why isn’t there a *Straight* Pride Month? (Every month, Karen.)
Straight Pride: Because Nothing Says Marginalized Like 97% of Pop Culture
The Struggle of Being the Default
Every June, like clockwork and bad WiFi, someone named Karen or Chad asks, “Why isn’t there a *Straight* Pride Month?” As if rom-coms, beer ads, and most of human history weren’t already a 24/7 straight parade with less glitter and more golf.
Funny Evidence from the Heterosexual Hall of Fame
Straight couples have Valentine’s Day, Hallmark movies, bridal expos, and every pop song before 2009. Pride lasts 30 days. Heterosexuality has fiscal quarters.
Quotes from the Confused Majority
“I just want equality,” said Greg Beige, while holding hands with his wife in a Chili’s booth decorated with sports memorabilia and heterosexual ambiance.
Satirical Reality Check
The closest thing to Straight Pride was that one time Kid Rock released a beer commercial during an NFL game while standing next to a bald eagle wearing Oakleys. And no one protested.
Comedian Punchline
“Straight Pride? Buddy, that’s just called Tuesday,” joked comic Reggie Slick. “Y’all had your parade. It was called ‘The 1950s.'”
Conclusion: You’re Not Oppressed, You’re Just Uncomfortable with Sequins
So if you feel left out this June, maybe just sit with that feeling preferably not on a rainbow float you tried to ban last year.
For more glitter-free satire, strut on over to bohiney.com
