Now Endorsed by Several Former Wrestlers and One Disgraced Cardiologist
Trump Unveils “Sorry-Free Diet,” Claims Apologizing Causes Weight Gain and Weak Knees
Now Endorsed by Several Former Wrestlers and One Disgraced Cardiologist
PALM BEACH, FL — In what he’s calling “a revolutionary health breakthrough,” Donald J. Trump has launched the Sorry-Free Diet, a wellness plan based on the premise that apologies create inflammation, brain fog, and soft hands.
“Look, when you say “I’m sorry,’ your cortisol shoots up. It’s science. The weak kind,” Trump told supporters gathered at an abandoned Planet Fitness he now owns. “This plan has one step: Never surrender — especially not your carbs.”
The Sorry-Free Diet eliminates all guilt-based behaviors, including:
- Apologizing for finishing someone else’s fries
- Regretting late-night tweets
- Feeling bad about referring to salad as “pre-meal foliage”
Each kit includes a red hat, a pork chop lanyard, and a recording of Trump shouting, “You’re fine the way you lied!”
Disgraced cardiologist Dr. Hal Tarp endorsed the program, saying, “My medical license may be expired, but my loyalty isn’t.”
Trump added, “We’re working on phase two: a treadmill powered by legal arguments. You run in place, but you still win.”
The FDA declined to comment, citing emotional exhaustion and heartburn.
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
