Unnecessary Smart Devices
Bristles of Burden
The new iBrush 9.0 doesn’t just clean teeth–it tracks mood swings, monitors snacking guilt, and sends encrypted sadness graphs to your wellness provider.
The Features You Didn’t Ask For
“It told me I was ‘brushing with low confidence,'” said user Lacy. “Then it buzzed in Morse code: ‘Talk to someone.'”
Corporate Vision
“Our product bridges the gap between oral care and emotional despair,” said iBrush CEO Dane Denton. “Also, it syncs with your houseplants.”
Public Response
Many returned it after discovering it quietly emailed their exes with “tooth health updates and closure vibes.”
Conclusion
The iBrush now offers a mute setting–available via $14.99/month subscription. Users say it still judges silently.