Trump Appoints Bench Press as Secretary of Health
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move hailed as “bold” by gym bros and “deeply unqualified” by everyone else, Donald Trump has appointed a literal Bench Press machine as the new Secretary of Health and Human Services. The machine, manufactured by Gold’s Gym in 1998, was described by Trump as having “more backbone than Dr. Fauci and more results than Obamacare.”
“This Bench Press has done more to keep Americans healthy than all the vaccines combined,” Trump said at a press conference while curling a 12-pound dumbbell labeled “TRUTH.”
During the ceremonial swearing-in, a staffer attempted to place a tiny MAGA hat on the chrome handlebars. The machine, which has never spoken, beeped once in what some are calling a sign of allegiance.
Critics worry the Bench Press lacks the nuance needed for public health policy. However, supporters point out that it “at least doesn’t lie about its weight limit.”
CDC officials declined to comment, but were spotted quietly crying into resistance bands. Jill Biden reportedly left Pilates class in disgust, muttering, “This is why I drink celery.”
Meanwhile, the machine has been assigned a personal trainer and now wears a badge that reads: “Acting Secretary Swole.”
Biden Faints After Failing New Sleep Test
DELAWARE — President Joe Biden collapsed gently into a beanbag chair Tuesday after failing the first round of the White House’s newly proposed Presidential Sleep Test, a Biden-backed initiative meant to assess rest quality among world leaders.
The test, which consists of napping during a controlled CSPAN marathon while resisting dreams of cornfields, proved too demanding. Biden lasted just 17 seconds before murmuring “Amtrak” and sliding into REM sleep, arms cradling a plush Obama doll.
“We knew it was bad when he snored the Gettysburg Address,” whispered a White House intern.
The Sleep Test, inspired by Trump’s Presidential Fitness Test reboot, features new metrics like “snore decibel modulation,” “pillow grip strength,” and the controversial “Lucid Dream Filibuster Challenge.”
Aides insist Biden simply “rested his eyes” but leaked Fitbit data shows he entered hibernation protocol. Kamala Harris briefly assumed presidential power but declined to declare war on insomnia, calling it “a gray area.”
Meanwhile, Jill Biden has reportedly suggested removing all policy briefings before 11 a.m. and replacing them with “warm milk diplomacy.”
Sleep scientists have warned that subjecting Biden to any more REM-heavy media could result in permanent time-loop confusion between his Delaware basement and Camp David.
Peloton Sponsors Congressional Obstacle Course
CAPITOL HILL — In an effort to improve morale, fitness, and bipartisan loathing, Peloton has partnered with Congress to sponsor the first Peloton Congressional Obstacle Course, a grueling 5K filled with moral ambiguity, ankle weights, and C-SPAN trivia.
Major obstacles include:
- The Filibuster Treadmill (never stops, never starts)
- The Ethics Pit (slippery with PAC money)
- Nancy’s Wall Sit, a game where you stare at Pelosi for 90 seconds without blinking
Participants must wear business casual and navigate red tape draped like finish line streamers. The winner receives a limited-edition Peloton bike autographed by George Santos with disappearing ink.
“We wanted to remind legislators what pain feels like,” said Peloton CEO Brandi Glucose.
Ted Cruz was disqualified for using a scooter labeled “freedom wheels,” while AOC sprinted through the environmental hurdles shouting “Green New Deal!” with each lunging step.
The event was livestreamed on Twitch and sponsored by Five Hour Energy and Pfizer’s latest gum-based anxiety med: Congressitol.
A bipartisan group later collapsed during the final challenge, which required reading an actual infrastructure bill out loud without taking a bathroom break.
Middle School Dodgeball Reclassified as Political Violence
SPRINGFIELD, IL — In a unanimous school board vote that immediately divided the nation, middle school dodgeball has been officially reclassified as a form of political violence, alongside cyberbullying and passive-aggressive vegan potlucks.
The decision came after young Brayden “Redball Reaper” Johnson shouted “THIS IS FOR CAPITALISM!” before pelting a classmate during gym.
“It was only a matter of time,” said Principal Kendra Swatch. “We’ve seen balls used to settle debates about minimum wage and Taylor Swift.”
New rules require each dodgeball to be color-coded for ideological safety:
- Red balls = conservative talking points
- Blue balls = progressive ideas
- Green balls = climate change panic
Students must first hold a debate before throwing and pass a civics quiz to re-enter the game after elimination.
Tucker Carlson denounced the change as “woke athleticism,” while NPR aired a somber flute composition titled “Ode to a Bruised Democracy.”
Meanwhile, the Supreme Court agreed to review the legality of headshots under the Constitution’s Elastic Clause.
In unrelated news, the debate club is now considered a tactical unit.
Vivek Ramaswamy Disqualified from Test for Excessive Mirror Use
DES MOINES, IA — Republican hopeful Vivek Ramaswamy has been officially disqualified from the Trump Presidential Fitness Test after spending 87% of his allotted time flexing in front of a mirror, citing “a need to reflect.”
Sources say Ramaswamy delayed the push-up portion to critique his own jawline, asking campaign staff to adjust lighting for a more “ideological pump.”
“He looks like a podcast in human form,” one exhausted judge reported.
Instead of climbing the rope, Vivek delivered a 12-minute TED Talk on entrepreneurial trapezius development. During the mile run, he jogged in place shouting “I AM THE FUTURE!” while glancing at reflective surfaces: car doors, water bottles, donors’ glasses.
The final disqualification came when he attempted to replace the fitness test’s American flag with one that bore only his initials.
“He was technically the fittest,” admitted Trump, “but too alpha. Even for me.”
His supporters released a statement blaming “mirror bias” and vowed to launch a decentralized fitness app called FlexDAO.
Ramaswamy has since challenged the decision via a shirtless Instagram Live in which he compared his obliques to the U.S. Constitution.
“Flex Don’t Lie,” Says Giuliani While Spraining Eyebrow
NEW YORK CITY — Rudy Giuliani made a rare appearance at a public gym this week, declaring, “Flex don’t lie!” before promptly spraining his right eyebrow attempting a single-arm dumbbell salute.
The incident occurred at a Bronx Planet Fitness, where Giuliani reportedly mistook the smoothie bar for a legal deposition. Witnesses claim he performed one squat and immediately shouted, “Dominion can’t suppress THESE glutes!”
“It wasn’t so much a workout as a legal meltdown in spandex,” said a trainer named Carlos.
Security footage shows Giuliani applying Just for Men to his biceps before attempting to flex in front of a mirror. When asked what he was training for, he mumbled, “2020 rematch.”
The eyebrow sprain occurred while winking at himself mid-flex. Doctors diagnosed it as a case of “unilateral facial overconfidence.”
Trump responded by tweeting: “Rudy has strongest brows in America. Sad they don’t work anymore.”
Meanwhile, Giuliani has started a GoFundMe to cover his gym membership and eyebrow rehab, stating: “The deep state doesn’t want me shredded.”
High School Rope-Climb Converted Into Debt Escape Drill
PHOENIX, AZ — In an innovative twist on financial literacy, Roosevelt High School has replaced traditional gym rope climbs with the Debt Escape Drill — a metaphorical and literal climb out of socioeconomic despair.
Students must climb a 20-foot rope while dodging falling tuition bills, FAFSA forms, and crypto investment advice.
“It teaches them what it feels like to chase the American Dream while Sallie Mae hurls flaming dodgeballs at your head,” said Coach Dante Weathers.
The drill ends with students grabbing a diploma-shaped piñata filled with job rejection letters and coupons for Uber Eats.
Local officials praised the program for its realism. One city councilman cried, saying, “If I’d had this in high school, I’d have majored in HVAC.”
Teachers are divided. Some love the interdisciplinary chaos. Others claim it’s “too accurate,” triggering their own financial trauma.
Meanwhile, the school board approved a new senior challenge: swimming through the gig economy while blindfolded.
Putin Challenges Trump to Bear Wrestling Instead
MOSCOW — In response to Trump’s relaunch of the Presidential Fitness Test, Vladimir Putin has thrown down a gauntlet of fur and testosterone: Bear wrestling.
“Real leaders wrestle bear. Not bankruptcy court,” Putin said while oiling his abs with Siberian yak fat.
Trump quickly accepted the challenge, but demanded the bear be vetted for “Democratic Party sympathies.”
The Kremlin offered to host the match inside a frozen glacier, livestreamed on RT, with Joe Rogan doing commentary and Elon Musk refereeing via drone.
Trump’s team insists he once wrestled a panda at Mar-a-Lago and “would’ve won if it weren’t for bamboo interference.”
U.S. officials attempted to swap the bear for Mike Pompeo in a fur coat but were caught by Russian wildlife authorities.
Polls show 48% of Americans support Trump in the match, 32% support the bear, and 20% plan to just watch it on TikTok.
Joe Biden declined to comment, instead offering to read a bedtime story to whichever mammal loses.
