Says Regret Throws Off the Hips and “Sadness Slices Left”
Trump Credits Zero Apologies for His “Perfect Golf Swing”
Says Regret Throws Off the Hips and “Sadness Slices Left”
BEDMINSTER, NJ — While teeing off at his private golf course, Donald Trump made an unexpected declaration to a crowd of Fox News interns and adoring retirees: “Apologizing ruins your swing. I haven’t said sorry in decades — and my drive is immaculate.”
Sporting his signature red cap and khakis pressed tighter than the 2020 election, Trump demonstrated what he calls “The Forgiveness-Free Follow-Through.” According to him, apologies create “emotional torque” that weakens your wrists and makes the ball slice harder than CNN commentary.
Golf Digest staff were stunned. “He hit 297 yards uphill with the wind against him — while ranting about Rosie O’Donnell. It defies physics,” said editor Len Dunphy.
“Sadness slices left. Pride fades right,” Trump philosophized. “I play straight, just like my politics.”
His new line of golf clubs, branded “No Mulligans, No Mercy,” feature grip tape made from shredded cease-and-desist letters and are engraved with phrases like “Regret is for RINOs.”
Melania, when asked for comment, texted back a thumbs-up emoji and the phrase “He does not miss.”
Trump also confirmed that his next instructional video, *The Patriot’s Putt*, will explain how shame affects short game performance. Spoiler: It does.
“Apologizing is for people who hit it in the water,” he said. “And I own the lake.”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
