Applicants Must Submit a “No Regrets” Résumé and Punch a Feelings Chart
Trump Institutes New Rule: Only People Who’ve Never Apologized Can Serve in Cabinet
Applicants Must Submit a “No Regrets” Résumé and Punch a Feelings Chart
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump announced a bold new litmus test for leadership: **no apologies, ever**. Under his latest executive order, only individuals with a lifelong track record of unapologetic behavior may be considered for cabinet positions. “If you’ve ever said “my bad,’ you’re out,” Trump declared, while signing the order with a golf tee.
Applicants must now submit a “No Regrets” résumé, listing their greatest mistakes and explaining why those mistakes were actually brilliant moves the haters couldn’t understand.
During the interview, each candidate will be shown a crying baby and asked to blame the baby.
Melania was approached to lead the Department of Vibes but declined, citing the application’s mandatory fistfight with a feelings chart.
Stephen Miller returned to the administration by submitting a blank piece of paper titled “Never Felt Wrong.”
The new cabinet slogan? “Forward, Without Reflection.”
Critics warned it would foster toxicity and chaos. Trump replied, “Exactly.”
“Apologizers kneel,” Trump said, pointing at the sky. “I need people who march forward, preferably through walls of criticism and the occasional ethics complaint.”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
