CBO Will Monitor All Accusations and Shout “Fake News!” on Command
Trump Introduces New White House Position: “Chief Blame Officer” to Redirect Accountability 24/7
CBO Will Monitor All Accusations and Shout “Fake News!” on Command
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a historic restructuring of presidential priorities, Donald J. Trump announced the appointment of a brand-new cabinet-level role: Chief Blame Officer (CBO), tasked with one simple duty–deflect, redirect, and loudly declare “Not it!” whenever accountability tries to sneak in through the windows of democracy.
“I don’t believe in apologies,” Trump declared at a press conference flanked by inflatable eagles and a mariachi band. “But I do believe in scapegoats–big, juicy, willing scapegoats.”
The first Chief Blame Officer is Ted Nugent, who accepted the position with a salute and a crossbow. “I’ve been blaming others since the Carter administration,” Nugent said. “I was born for this.”
Melania asked if the CBO could handle Barron’s homework excuses. Trump said, “No, honey, that’s what Homeland Security is for.”
All future press briefings will begin with a ceremonial tossing of a foam blame-ball at random journalists, followed by the Pledge of Evasion.
“Blame is not weakness,” Trump said. “Blame is strategy. And now, it’s policy.”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
