Washington fixes technology by changing two letters
WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has ordered federal agencies to replace “artificial intelligence” with “super intelligence,” achieving the fastest promotion in American employment history. Millions of computers woke up on September 30 to discover they had received a new title, no additional salary and exactly the same difficulty identifying how many fingers are on a human hand.
What Executive Order 14434 Actually Says
The September 29 executive order, titled Inaugurating the Era of Super Intelligence, directs executive agencies to use “Super Intelligence,” or SI, in official correspondence, websites and reports. The technology itself was not required to pass an examination. In Washington, a promotion has never depended on competence when a sufficiently impressive nameplate is available. The order ties its definition to the existing statutory language in 15 U.S.C. 9401, so the toaster keeps its old paperwork and gets a new name.
The distinction matters. Artificial implies something made by people. Super implies the same thing, but wearing a cape. By this definition, Congress could become Super Congress simply by purchasing colored stationery. The Department of Transportation could rename potholes “advanced roadway experiences” and report that infrastructure had improved overnight.
Lab Results: Does Super Intelligence Beat Artificial Intelligence?
To examine the implications, Bohiney’s Institute of Presidential Vocabulary ran a laboratory trial. A computer was asked whether a hot dog is a sandwich. Before the executive order, it produced a long, evasive answer. After researchers addressed it as Super Intelligence, it produced precisely the same answer, but in all capital letters. Productivity improved by an estimated zero percent, while confidence increased to presidential levels.
American businesses spotted the branding opportunity right away. A laundromat advertised super-clean shirts. A used-car dealer offered super-preowned vehicles. A cable company called its forty-minute customer-service queue a super-waiting experience. Each one confirmed that the United States remains the world’s leading manufacturer of adjectives.
The Difference Between Present-Day AI and Superintelligence
Scientists make an inconvenient distinction between present-day systems and theoretical superintelligence, usually meaning intelligence that greatly exceeds human capabilities across many tasks. The National Institute of Standards and Technology still files its work under the older name. The political definition is far more efficient: if the President says the toaster is super, the toaster becomes super. Whether it can tell a bagel from a smoke alarm is a question for the next administration.
Federal employees now face a compliance challenge. An agency scientist writing about past research has to decide whether to keep the historical terminology, change the heading or send the document to a committee that has already been renamed twice. One bureaucrat in Bohiney’s training manual spent six hours changing the letters AI to SI before discovering the acronym also appears in the International System of Units.
The public remains divided over what intelligence means. A machine that can process a million documents in seconds sounds impressive until it recommends gluing pizza to a windshield. A human who can locate a missing sock, negotiate with a toddler and find a reasonably priced hotel room may deserve the more distinguished title.
If Renaming Works, Try It on the Federal Government
The real opportunity lies in government itself. If a change of labels can increase intelligence, rename the federal deficit “Super Savings.” Call congressional gridlock “Accelerated Deliberation.” Rebrand income tax as “Voluntary Financial Admiration,” and perhaps citizens will approach April with tears of gratitude.
American innovators will keep making powerful technology regardless of its official nickname. They should. But a government that can improve machines by changing nouns should first try the experiment on its own customer-service telephone menus.
Press one for Super Intelligence. Press two to remain on hold until the universe becomes truly intelligent.
The Evidence File
Exhibit A: Records Office Find-and-Replace Log, Day One
| Original | After global replacement | Status |
|---|---|---|
| artificial intelligence | super intelligence | Approved |
| said | ssid | Under review |
| maintain | msintain | Under review |
| Hawaii | Hawsii | Escalated to Interior |
| Thailand | Thsiland | Escalated to State |
Exhibit B: Customer Support Ticket #40817
Customer: My toaster was promoted this morning. It still burns the bagel.
Agent: We apologize. The toaster is now Super. Please allow it additional time to grow into the role.
Customer: It set off the smoke alarm.
Agent: The smoke alarm has also been promoted. Both devices are doing their best.
Exhibit C: Federal Agency Phone Menu, Revised Transcript
“Thank you for calling. For Super Intelligence, press one. For services previously known as Artificial Intelligence, press one. For anything else, please stay on the line, and your call will be answered in the order it was not received.”
Five Observations From the Promotion Party
- They gave the computers a promotion. No raise, no parking spot, just a better name. Congratulations, you’ve been middle management this whole time.
- Artificial, super. Next they’ll rename my knee “Advanced Mobility Unit” and I’ll still need a doctor to tell me it’s a knee.
- It’s the same hot dog answer, but in capital letters. That’s not intelligence, that’s my uncle at Thanksgiving.
- Rename the deficit “Super Savings.” Sure. I tried that with my credit card. They still called.
- Press two to stay on hold until the universe gets intelligent. I’ve been on hold with my cable company since the universe was dumber.
Reporting basis: White House executive order introducing Super Intelligence terminology.