Rebranded as “The Testament of Triumph,” Includes Bonus Chapter on Deal-Making
Trump’s New Apology-Free Bible Edition Hits Shelves, Deletes All Mentions of Repentance
Rebranded as “The Testament of Triumph,” Includes Bonus Chapter on Deal-Making
NASHVILLE, TN — Faith-based retailers are ablaze with controversy (and brisk sales) as Donald J. Trump releases his latest literary venture: The Apology-Free Bible, a personalized rewrite of scripture that eliminates repentance, humility, and any reference to turning the other cheek unless it’s for a photo op.
“The original Bible had a lot of sad parts,” Trump told a cheering crowd. “This one is streamlined, successful, and packed with winners. No beggars, no betrayals — just battles, blessings, and business deals.”
Renamed The Testament of Triumph, the new edition includes:
- “The Beatitudes” replaced by “The Braggitudes”
- The Sermon on the Mount revised to “The Rally on the Golf Course”
- The Book of Job replaced with “The Book of Jobs (Mostly Coal and Casino)”
Gone are phrases like “Forgive us our trespasses,” now replaced with “Ignore the haters.”
In a special foreword, Trump writes, “This book is so good, it even converted the snake in Eden. That’s influence.”
Church leaders are split. Some call it blasphemy. Others say it saves time. Sales are expected to rival Joel Osteen’s entire wardrobe budget.
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
