Bohiney Magazine
Volume 1, Issue 2 – Saturday, February 22, 1947
“America’s Trusted Source for Satirical Truth”
Local Dentist Discovers Patients Lying About Flossing
SPRINGFIELD, IL – In what medical professionals are calling “the scandal of the century,” Dr. Horace Wimbley, DDS, has conclusively proven that approximately 98% of his patients are fabricating their dental hygiene routines when asked the routine question, “Have you been flossing regularly?”
The revelation came during a standard cleaning appointment when patient Arnold Gunderson confidently stated he flosses “twice daily, without fail” immediately before Dr. Wimbley discovered what he described as “enough food particles to constitute a light lunch” wedged between the man’s molars.
“I’ve suspected for years,” Dr. Wimbley told reporters while brandishing a piece of dental floss dramatically. “But Mr. Gunderson claiming he flosses twice daily while I’m literally removing what appears to be Thursday’s pot roast from his bicuspids – that was my breaking point.”
The American Dental Association has launched an investigation into what they’re calling “The Great Flossing Fabrication of 1947.” Early findings suggest that most Americans purchase dental floss primarily to display prominently in their bathrooms when dentist appointments approach.
Mrs. Gunderson, when confronted with her husband’s deception, expressed shock. “Arnold tells me he flosses every night before bed,” she said. “Though now that I think about it, I’ve never actually seen him do it, and that same box of floss has been in our medicine cabinet since 1943.”
The scandal has rocked Springfield’s dental community. Dr. Wimbley’s colleague, Dr. Prudence Butterfield, admitted she’s always known patients were lying but felt it was “impolite to call them out on it.” She estimates that in her twenty-year career, perhaps three patients have genuinely maintained a flossing routine, “and two of them were dental hygienists who felt professionally obligated.”
Local pharmacist Gerald Hobson reported that floss sales have remained mysteriously steady despite the apparent lack of actual usage. “People buy it regularly,” he noted with confusion. “I assumed they were using it. Now I think they’re just maintaining the illusion.”
The controversy has spawned a philosophical debate about the nature of truth in medical settings. One ethics professor at the University of Illinois argued that “the dentist-patient relationship is built on a foundation of mutual understanding that certain questions will be asked and certain lies will be told, and everyone is fine with that arrangement.”
Dr. Wimbley has begun asking more specific questions to catch fabricators, including “What color is your dental floss?” and “Where do you keep it?” He reports that 90% of respondents cannot answer either question, with many guessing “white?” and “near the toothbrush?” before admitting defeat.
The American Dental Association is considering removing the flossing question entirely from standard dental examinations, replacing it with a simple statement: “We both know you don’t floss. Let’s just move forward from here.”
As of press time, dental floss manufacturers have reported record sales as guilty patients across the nation purchase replacement boxes to prove they were telling the truth all along, though most experts predict these boxes will remain unopened until the next appointment approaches.
SEO Keyword: 1940s dental hygiene humor
Nation’s Men Demand Explanation for 14 Decorative Pillows on Bed
KANSAS CITY, MO – The National Association of Befuddled Husbands has filed a formal petition with the Department of Domestic Affairs demanding a coherent explanation for why American beds now require an average of fourteen decorative pillows that must be removed each night and replaced each morning.
“I just want to sleep,” pleaded Herbert Mortimer, 38, spokesperson for the organization. “Instead, I spend fifteen minutes each evening engaged in what my wife calls ‘pillow choreography’ and what I call ‘unnecessary furniture rearrangement.'”
The controversy centers on what husbands describe as “perfectly good sleeping pillows being buried under an avalanche of useless fabric shapes” that serve no discernible purpose. These decorative pillows, which come in various sizes from “large and cumbersome” to “tiny and mystifying,” must be carefully arranged each morning in a specific order that wives insist is “obvious” but husbands claim “requires an engineering degree.”
Mrs. Dorothy Mortimer defended the practice while demonstrating the proper arrangement of her bedroom’s seventeen pillows. “The large Euro shams go in back, then the standard shams, then the accent pillows, then the lumbar support, then the decorative rounds, then the petit fours,” she explained as her husband stared blankly. “It’s really quite simple.”
When asked what “petit fours” meant in pillow terminology, Mrs. Mortimer replied that it was “self-explanatory” while her husband quietly wept.
The Smithsonian Institution has been unable to trace the historical origin of decorative bed pillows, with one curator noting that “they seem to have appeared fully formed sometime around 1935, as if by spontaneous generation.”
Furniture stores report that decorative pillow sales have increased 400% since the end of the war, with most purchases made by women who describe them as “essential” and most husbands describing them as “where did all these come from?”
The situation has led to what marriage counselors call “pillow-related marital discord.” Dr. Millicent Hawthorne of the Institute for Domestic Harmony reports treating seventeen couples in the past month alone for arguments stemming from improper pillow arrangement or, in one case, a husband who “threw them all in the closet and hoped she wouldn’t notice.”
One desperate husband in Topeka attempted to solve the problem by purchasing a second bed exclusively for sleeping, leaving the decorative bed untouched. His wife filed for separation, citing “failure to appreciate home aesthetics.”
The decorative pillow industry, represented by spokesman Chester Pillsbury, dismissed the complaints. “These pillows serve a vital function,” he insisted, though when pressed to name that function, he replied “completing the room’s visual harmony” before quickly ending the interview.
Some revolutionary husbands have formed underground resistance groups, meeting in basements to discuss strategies for pillow reduction. However, most efforts have failed, with wives somehow detecting and replacing removed pillows within hours.
The Department of Domestic Affairs has acknowledged receiving the petition but stated they “lack jurisdiction over interior decorating decisions” and suggested husbands “try having a conversation with their wives” – advice that the National Association of Befuddled Husbands described as “demonstrating a fundamental misunderstanding of the situation.”
As of this writing, the average American bed continues to accumulate decorative pillows at an alarming rate, with some households reporting up to twenty-three pillows on a queen-sized mattress. Scientists predict that by 1950, there may be no room left for actual sleeping.
SEO Keyword: 1940s home decorating satire
Breaking: Scientists Confirm Watched Pot Never Boils, Unwatched Pot Boils Over Immediately
BOSTON, MA – After an exhaustive eight-year study involving 12,000 pots and approximately 600,000 gallons of water, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Thermal Dynamics have scientifically validated what housewives have suspected for generations: a watched pot never boils, while an unwatched pot boils over with malicious intent.
Lead researcher Dr. Sebastian Caldwell presented his findings to a packed auditorium of scientists, homemakers, and one very interested pot manufacturer. “The data is irrefutable,” he announced, gesturing to a chart that somehow proved pots possess awareness. “The moment human attention is directed elsewhere, pots achieve boiling temperature 340% faster than when observed.”
The breakthrough came when Dr. Caldwell’s assistant, Margaret Thornbury, left a pot unattended to answer a telephone. The pot, which had shown no signs of boiling during forty-seven minutes of continuous observation, reached a rolling boil and overflowed onto the stove within thirty-eight seconds of being left alone.
“It’s almost as if the pot was waiting,” Miss Thornbury reported, still holding the telephone receiver in one hand and a dishrag in the other. “The second I turned my back, I heard that aggressive bubbling sound. By the time I returned, it had created a starchy disaster.”
The National Bureau of Standards has been asked to investigate what Dr. Caldwell calls “pot consciousness” or “the apparent ability of cooking vessels to detect and respond to human attention patterns.”
Housewives across America have greeted the findings with vindication. “I’ve been telling my husband this for fifteen years,” declared Mrs. Ethel Pemberton of Sacramento. “He claimed I was being ‘irrational’ and ‘pots don’t have feelings.’ Well, who’s irrational now, Herbert?”
The study also confirmed several related phenomena, including:
- Toast only burns when you walk away from the toaster
- Telephone calls only arrive after you’ve stepped into the bath
- Delivery men only knock when you’re indisposed
- Important documents only disappear when you need them immediately
Kitchen equipment manufacturers have responded with confusion. Harold Potsworth, president of American Cookware Corporation, insisted that “pots are inanimate objects without cognitive abilities.” However, when a reporter asked him to explain why his own soup pot boiled over during a company demonstration last week, he had no comment.
The scientific community remains divided. Physics professors insist the findings violate fundamental laws of thermodynamics, while practical homemakers argue that “laws of physics clearly don’t apply in kitchens.”
Dr. Caldwell’s next research project will investigate why socks disappear in laundry and whether they’re related to the pot consciousness phenomenon. “We suspect a broader conspiracy of household items,” he explained while nervously eyeing his briefcase, which he swears moves when he’s not looking.
The study has inspired one senator to propose legislation requiring all pots to be manufactured with transparent lids, allowing for continuous observation. Critics argue this defeats the purpose of leaving the kitchen, which is often the goal when cooking.
As of press time, Dr. Caldwell was attempting to boil water for tea while simultaneously taking notes, and has been standing in his laboratory for six hours waiting for the pot to make its move.
SEO Keyword: 1940s kitchen science humor
Area Woman’s “Quick Errand” Now in Its Third Hour
CEDAR RAPIDS, IA – What began as a “quick trip to the grocery store” at 2:15 PM has entered its third hour, leaving husband Walter Morrison and two children waiting in the car and questioning fundamental concepts of time and reality.
Mrs. Beatrice Morrison, 36, assured her family the errand would take “five minutes, ten tops” before disappearing into Henderson’s Market with a shopping list containing three items: milk, bread, and eggs.
“She said we could leave the engine running,” reported young Timothy Morrison, 8, from the back seat where he has now been sitting long enough to complete his homework, read a comic book, and contemplate the nature of existence. “I’m starting to think we should go in after her.”
Mr. Morrison checked his pocket watch for the forty-seventh time and noted that by his calculations, his wife has been inside the store for approximately “seventeen eternities.” He estimates she is either trapped under fallen canned goods or has encountered a neighbor, the latter being statistically more likely and temporally more devastating.
The Department of Commerce has been tracking what sociologists call “Female Errand Time Dilation” – a phenomenon where women’s estimated duration for simple tasks bears no relationship to actual elapsed time. Research indicates that a “quick stop” averages 2.7 hours, while “just running in” typically requires 3.4 hours and a search party.
“The phrase ‘I’ll only be a minute’ should be legally classified as fiction,” declared Dr. Reginald Whitmore, who has studied domestic time perception for fifteen years. “In my research, that particular statement has never once proven accurate, with actual duration ranging from forty-five minutes to, in one case, until the following Tuesday.”
Witnesses inside Henderson’s Market report seeing Mrs. Morrison in the dairy aisle, the produce section, the checkout line, back in the dairy aisle “because she forgot something,” and most recently engaged in what appears to be an in-depth conversation about her cousin Margaret’s gallbladder surgery with Mrs. Pemberton from church.
Store manager Gus Henderson notes this is “perfectly normal behavior” and estimates Mrs. Morrison will complete her transaction “sometime before closing, probably.”
The Morrison children have developed their own civilization in the back seat, complete with a system of government and a crude calendar marking the passage of seasons. Daughter Susan, 6, has appointed herself “Queen of the Car” and declared that whoever spots their mother first will be awarded “extra dessert, if we ever eat again.”
Mr. Morrison attempted to enter the store to locate his wife at the 90-minute mark but was prevented by deeply ingrained social protocols that prohibit husbands from appearing impatient about shopping. “I don’t want to rush her,” he explained while dying inside.
Fellow husband George Patterson, waiting in an adjacent vehicle for his own wife, offered solidarity through the window. “Mine said she was ‘just grabbing one thing,'” he reported. “That was in 1945.”
The situation escalated at the 150-minute mark when Mrs. Morrison emerged from the store, saw the Hendersons’ new baby being carried past, and returned inside for what she described as “just a quick peek” – words that caused Mr. Morrison to rest his forehead on the steering wheel in defeat.
Child development experts warn that young Timothy may need counseling to recover from the trauma of believing his mother when she says “This will be quick” – a trust that, once broken, may never be fully restored.
As of press time, Mrs. Morrison had finally exited the store carrying two bags and cheerfully announced that she “ran into Phyllis and you’ll never believe what she told me about the Hendersons’ oldest boy” while her family stared at her with the hollow eyes of shipwreck survivors spotting distant land.
SEO Keyword: 1940s family shopping humor
Man Confident He Can Fit One More Item in Garbage Can Through Sheer Force of Will
DETROIT, MI – Despite overwhelming physical evidence to the contrary, local resident Frank Delacroix, 42, remains absolutely certain that he can force one additional item into his family’s completely full garbage can through determination and aggressive pushing.
“There’s definitely room,” Delacroix insisted while holding a substantial cardboard box and eyeing the overflowing receptacle with the intensity of a general surveying a battlefield. “I just need to compress things a bit.”
The garbage can in question, a standard 20-gallon model, is currently filled beyond capacity with refuse rising a full eight inches above the rim. This has not deterred Delacroix, who believes that the laws of physics are “more like suggestions” when it comes to household waste management.
Mrs. Dorothy Delacroix observed the scene from the kitchen window with the weary resignation of a woman who has witnessed this exact scenario seventeen times this month. “He’s going to push down on it with both hands, it won’t work, he’ll push harder, something will fall out, he’ll stuff that back in, and then eventually he’ll take the garbage out like I asked him to an hour ago,” she predicted with unsettling accuracy.
The National Sanitation Association has documented what they term “Male Garbage Optimization Delusion” – the widespread belief among American men that garbage cans possess unlimited capacity if compressed with sufficient force.
“We see this constantly,” reported sanitation engineer Harold Pemberton. “Men will spend twenty minutes trying to compact garbage that could be resolved with a thirty-second walk to the outdoor bin. It’s as if they view taking out the trash as admitting defeat.”
Delacroix’s strategy involved pressing down on the existing garbage with increasing force while attempting to create what he called “strategic pockets of space.” This resulted in a milk carton shooting out the side like a projectile and landing in the begonias, which he declared “doesn’t count as garbage anymore since it’s outside.”
Neighbor Ernest Potts, who observed the struggle through his fence, offered unsolicited advice about “using better angular pressure” before admitting that his own garbage can “might be a bit overfull at the moment” and he’s been avoiding his wife’s hints about taking it out for three days.
The situation escalated when Delacroix attempted to employ a technique he described as “the stomping method,” which involved standing on the garbage can’s rim and bouncing slightly. This succeeded only in wedging his foot between an empty soup can and what appeared to be Thursday’s newspaper, requiring his wife’s assistance for extraction.
“Why don’t you just take the garbage out?” Mrs. Delacroix asked, a question that philosophers have pondered since the invention of household waste receptacles. Delacroix responded that he would “in a minute” and that he “almost had it.”
Child psychologists warn that young boys who witness their fathers’ futile garbage compression attempts may inherit this behavior, perpetuating a cycle of overstuffed bins that could last generations.
The cardboard box, which started this entire ordeal, has now been placed on top of the garbage can in what Delacroix describes as “a temporary solution that’s basically the same as being in the garbage can” and what his wife describes as “exactly what I said he’d do.”
After forty-five minutes of effort, Delacroix finally agreed to take the garbage to the outdoor bin, where he discovered that bin was also completely full. He is now attempting to compress the outdoor garbage using a broom handle and the power of positive thinking.
Mrs. Delacroix has informed him that garbage collection is tomorrow morning and that perhaps he should have taken it out when she first asked. Delacroix has countered that he’s “handling it” and that she’s “not being helpful.”
As of press time, Delacroix was researching whether garbage compresses more efficiently when spoken to firmly.
SEO Keyword: 1940s household chores humor
Local Dog Achieves Perfect Timing, Requests Walk During Exact Moment of Downpour
PORTLAND, OR – In what scientists are calling either “remarkable coincidence” or “proof of canine meteorological abilities,” area dog Buster, a mixed-breed terrier of indeterminate heritage, has requested his evening walk at the precise moment a torrential downpour began, continuing his unbroken record of perfect timing.
“It’s uncanny,” reported owner Stanley Merchant while standing at his front door watching sheets of rain flood the street. “Buster was completely uninterested in going outside during the six hours of pleasant weather we had today. But the second the sky opened up, he starts doing his ‘I need to go out right now’ dance.”
The dog, who had spent the entire afternoon napping on a sunny patch of carpet near the window, apparently sensed the approaching storm with supernatural precision. Witnesses report that Buster began his typical pre-walk routine – pacing, whining, and staring intensely at his leash – exactly forty-five seconds before the first drops fell.
“He has this gift,” Mrs. Merchant observed while toweling off a completely drenched Buster following the mandatory walk. “If there’s going to be rain, sleet, snow, or hail, Buster will wait until that exact moment to suddenly become desperate to investigate the hydrant on the corner.”
The National Weather Service has expressed interest in studying Buster’s abilities, suggesting dogs may possess barometric pressure sensors that they use exclusively for inconveniencing their owners.
Veterinarian Dr. Horace Pemberton confirmed this is a widespread phenomenon. “Dogs have an internal clock that tells them when you’re most comfortable,” he explained. “They then immediately require something that will make you uncomfortable. It’s actually quite sophisticated behavioral timing.”
The situation has led some dog owners to question whether canines are truly humanity’s best friends or elaborate practical jokers. Theodore Whitmore of Seattle reported that his dog Max “will hold it for eight hours on a sunny day, but the moment there’s lightning, he acts like he’ll explode if not walked immediately.”
Buster’s meteorological timing extends beyond rain. He has also demonstrated remarkable ability to:
- Need walks during dinner preparation
- Require outdoor time during radio programs his owners enjoy
- Demand bathroom breaks at 3 AM on particularly cold nights
- Desperately need to investigate squirrels when his owners are running late
Mr. Merchant attempted to outsmart Buster by walking him preemptively before the storm, but reported that Buster “refused to perform” and “just stood there looking at me like I was insane” before requesting another walk twenty minutes later during peak rainfall.
The dog walking industry has developed rain gear specifically for this situation, though most owners report their dogs view raincoats as “personal insults” and will not move while wearing them.
Mrs. Margaret Peterson of the Humane Society suggests that dogs may actually enjoy rain and perceive their owners’ reluctance as “adding an element of challenge to the walk.” Mr. Merchant countered that “Buster hates rain, shakes pathetically the entire time, and somehow blames me for the weather,” making the timing even more mystifying.
Some progressive dog owners have attempted to train their pets to use indoor facilities during storms, but report that dogs view this as “beneath their dignity” despite having no dignity concerns about numerous other behaviors.
As of press time, the rain had stopped, the sun had emerged, and Buster was sound asleep on the couch with no interest whatsoever in going outside. Mr. Merchant predicts the next walk request will occur at precisely 11 PM or during the next thunderstorm, whichever comes first.
SEO Keyword: 1940s dog ownership humor
About This Issue
Bohiney Magazine – Volume 1, Issue 2 – Published every Saturday from our offices in Washington, DC.
Editorial Staff, 1947: Editors-in-Chief: Corporal Henry “Hank” Bohiney & Sergeant Lester “Les” Krupke
Senior Correspondents: Dorothy Ashworth, Harold K. Pennington III
Contributing Satirist: Reginald “Reggie” Buttonworth
All articles are works of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental and intended for humorous purposes.