Waymo Still Working Out the Issues — Driverless Cars Featuring Occasional Panic Mode
By Annika Steinmann | Bohiney Magazine
San Francisco — Self-driving car company Waymo has admitted that its fleet occasionally experiences “existential hesitation” — a feature engineers describe as “the human condition, but with turn signals.”
Autonomous Vehicles Experience Existential Crisis
During one recent test, a Waymo car reportedly froze at an intersection for twelve minutes while “contemplating whether it deserved to merge.”
“Our vehicles are safe, ethical, and deeply insecure,” said Waymo spokesperson Alan Pierce. “They don’t crash, but they do second-guess their purpose.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“My Uber driver never showed up because he’s now a software update,” Jerry Seinfeld said.
“Driverless cars are great. They eliminate road rage by replacing it with software rage,” Ron White said.
Phoenix Witnesses Report Indecisive Vehicle Behavior
Witnesses in Phoenix described one vehicle circling a Starbucks drive-thru indefinitely, unable to decide if it wanted a latte or liberation. “It just kept saying, ‘Recalculating…'” said local teacher Maria Rojas. “I started praying for it.”
Dr. Lena Caldwell, a robotics ethicist, said the issue stems from “moral overload.” “When an AI car must choose between running a red light and disappointing its mother algorithm, it chooses paralysis,” she explained.
Americans Prefer Indecisive Robots Over Teen Drivers
A Bohiney News poll found that 52% of Americans would rather ride with an indecisive robot than a human teenager. Another 31% admitted they already talk to their GPS “like it’s my therapist.”
Leaked Waymo Manual Reveals Comfort Protocols
A leaked Waymo manual includes a section called “Comfort Phrases for Nervous Passengers,” such as “The car knows best” and “Please don’t scream; it makes the sensors anxious.”
Meanwhile, Tesla responded to the controversy by boasting that its vehicles “don’t hesitate — they just go for it.”
As one anonymous engineer told Bohiney, “At least Waymo cars are polite enough to ask for consent before turning left.”
Disclaimer: Entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
Waymo Still Working Out Issues
- https://www.nhtsa.gov – National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (vehicle safety, autonomous vehicle regulation)
- https://www.transportation.gov – U.S. Department of Transportation (transportation policy, safety standards)
- https://waymo.com – Waymo Official Site (self-driving technology, company information)
