The New York Times Declares Motive for Anti-Christian Hate Crime “Unclear” — America Declares Journalists Clueless
By Alan Nafzger, Bohiney.com
Liberals and the Bigfoot Motive
When Robin Westman, a 23-year-old transgender shooter, opened fire inside a Minneapolis Catholic church during morning Mass, killing children and leaving behind a manifesto that read like a Dollar Tree Mein Kampf, the nation gasped.
Everyone except the New York Times.
To them, it wasn’t a hate crime. It was a mystery novel.
Liberals treat anti-Christian hate crimes like Bigfoot sightings — blurry, inconclusive, and requiring “further study.”
“If the shooter livestreamed it while screaming ‘I hate Christians,’ the Times would call it a ‘faith-adjacent incident,’” said one exhausted police officer.
“The Times couldn’t find a motive if it was stapled to the crossword puzzle.” — Ron White
A Headline Written by Scooby-Doo
While parishioners were still being wheeled out on stretchers, the NYT headline went live:
“Community Seeks Answers After Tragic Incident. Experts Urge Caution in Assigning Motives.”
Which sounds less like reporting and more like Shaggy explaining a bank robbery.
“They always sound like Scooby-Doo villains,” Bill Burr said on his podcast.
“Guy’s holding a smoking gun yelling ‘I hate Catholics,’ and the Times goes, ‘Jinkies! Could be climate change!’” — Bill Burr
The Journalism of Pretending Not to Know
Pretending not to know has become a Pulitzer-worthy skill set. At the Times, the formula is simple:
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Describe the crime without context.
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Add a sociology professor explaining why society, not the shooter, is responsible.
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Quote a neighbor who says, “They seemed quiet.”
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Bury the word ‘hate crime’ somewhere between “parking dispute” and “gun control debate.”
“Liberals need a 500-page government study to conclude that arsonists hate houses.” — Jerry Seinfeld
Leaked Memo From The NYT
An anonymous staffer slipped Bohiney.com a newsroom memo titled: “How to Report Hate Crimes Without Saying Hate.”
Highlights include:
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✅ Approved: “Religiously tinged violence”
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❌ Banned: “Anti-Christian hate crime”
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✅ Approved: “Shooter exploring identity”
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❌ Banned: “Shooter declared hatred”
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✅ Approved: “Complex motives tied to systemic issues”
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❌ Banned: “Motives included written threats”
Another leaked line: “Remember, only use ‘hate’ if it involves Trump, Chick-fil-A, or gas stoves.”
“The Times called Pearl Harbor a ‘boating mishap with political undertones.’” — Ricky Gervais
Poll: America Isn’t Buying It
A new Bohiney Poll asked: “Do you believe the motive was unclear?”
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92% answered: “No, we can read.”
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6% answered: “I work at the New York Times.”
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2% answered: “I’m a sociology professor and need tenure.”
Witness Testimony
One parishioner told reporters:
“She screamed, ‘I hate Catholics’ while firing. I don’t need Anderson Cooper in a Patagonia vest telling me that’s ambiguous.”
But the Times quoted a neighbor instead: “She seemed nice. Once helped me shovel snow.”
The Academic Alibi
Within hours, the Times had called up Dr. Caleb Morningdew, professor of “Intersectional Gun Studies” at Brown University, who said:
“Hate is a social construct. The manifesto’s references to ‘eliminating Catholics’ could also be read as a metaphor for internal struggle.”
“The Times needs three peer-reviewed papers before they’ll admit water is wet.” — Ron White
Journalists as Defense Attorneys
It’s not reporting — it’s jury tampering by headline. Every word is chosen to launder reality until it’s unrecognizable.
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Shooter screams hate: becomes “identity struggle.”
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Shooter targets Christians: becomes “community conflict.”
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Shooter leaves manifesto: becomes “alleged writings.”
“The New York Times is less a newspaper, more a witness protection program for motives.” — Jerry Seinfeld
What the Funny People Are Saying
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“If the New York Times saw a guy shoot up a liquor store yelling ‘I hate whiskey,’ they’d call it a protest against dry counties.” — Ron White
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“They act like hate crimes need DNA evidence and a signed affidavit from God.” — Bill Burr
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“Every article reads like it was co-written by a college admissions essay coach.” — Ricky Gervais
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“The Times couldn’t spot hate if it was holding a neon sign that said HATE.” — Jerry Seinfeld
The Cover-Up by Confusion
By the time you’re done reading their coverage, you don’t know what happened. Hate crime? Gun control? Social anxiety? Climate change?
Confusion is the cover-up. If nobody understands the motive, then liberals never have to admit what’s staring them down: open, violent anti-Christian hatred.
Final Punch
In the end, the shooter’s motives were clearer than the Times’ journalism. But pretending not to understand has become the elite pastime of America’s reporters.
Because in their world, the only true hate crime is disagreeing with the New York Times.
Disclaimer: This satire is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings — one of whom is the world’s oldest tenured professor, the other a philosophy-major-turned-dairy farmer. Any resemblance to actual New York Times journalists is purely intentional.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.