Consultants Ask: Whom Would You Like to Blame?
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic campaign strategists have identified a remarkably efficient method of attracting frustrated Americans: Tell voters their problems are real, their anger is justified and there is absolutely no need to examine their own decisions.
The strategy has allowed the party’s progressive wing to transform ordinary household frustrations into national political emergencies.
The Campaign Pitch: “You’re Perfect. Your Landlord Is the Problem.”
“People don’t want another lecture about budgeting, education or productivity,” explained campaign adviser Martin Compassion. “They want a candidate who will look them in the eye and say, ‘You’re perfect. Your landlord is the problem.'”
The message has proven especially attractive to voters who previously believed personal success required a complicated combination of opportunity, discipline and occasional good judgment.
Campaign officials now consider that approach unnecessarily judgmental.
Their new political training manual identifies acceptable causes of personal hardship.
These include billionaires, corporations, landlords, bankers, employers, inherited privilege, insufficient public investment and capitalism generally.
The manual does not include the phrase “I bought a $900 telephone while behind on my rent.”
Strategists described that omission as essential to maintaining voter confidence.
From the Training Manual
A copy of the manual obtained by reporters includes a sidebar titled “Handling the Follow-Up Question,” which instructs volunteers to answer any question about personal spending with the phrase “that’s exactly what the system wants you to ask.” A chart on page 31 ranks excuses by how often they are accepted. “The landlord” leads. “The weather” is a close second.
The Economy Is the Top Issue for Voters
According to Pew Research Center’s election survey, 84% of registered voters considered the economy very important to their congressional vote. The Bureau of Labor Statistics employment situation report tracks the jobs and wages behind that number, and neither the manual nor the candidates quoted it.
Progressive campaign advisers interpreted the finding as an opportunity to ask voters who deserved to be punished for their grocery bills.
The Delivery-Food Voter and the Cooking Question
At one campaign event, a young man complained that restaurant meals had become too expensive.
A socialist candidate promised to investigate corporate price gouging.
The young man then revealed he ordered delivery six nights a week.
“That’s a powerful example of how capitalism exploits vulnerable consumers,” the candidate replied.
A reporter suggested that learning to cook might reduce his expenses.
Security immediately removed the reporter for introducing personal responsibility into a protected political environment.
The candidate subsequently proposed a government-funded restaurant delivery program, complete with subsidies for people who experience emotional distress while preparing vegetables.
A transcript of the event shows the candidate saying “chopping is a form of labor” four separate times, to applause that grew each time.
Moderate Democrats Worry About the Message
Moderate Democrats expressed concern that the party might be confusing legitimate economic hardship with the promise that nobody should ever experience the consequences of a questionable purchase.
Progressive organizers dismissed the criticism.
“People are already unhappy,” explained Compassion. “The last thing they need is somebody explaining arithmetic.”
A poll of 900 Democratic primary voters by the Capitol Hill Opinion Lab found that 47 percent said the party’s message was “inspiring,” while 38 percent said it was “a lot,” and 15 percent said they were still waiting for the rest of the poll to load.
The party’s next advertising campaign will reportedly feature a married couple arguing over money.
Instead of suggesting a household budget, the advertisement introduces a government official who informs both spouses that their disagreements are caused by insufficient wealth redistribution.
The couple immediately stops arguing.
They now have somebody else to argue with.
Election Night: Responsibility Is for the Previous Administration
At an election-night celebration, a victorious candidate thanked supporters for refusing to accept responsibility for problems beyond their control.
“Together,” she declared, “we will build an America where nobody ever has to feel personally inadequate again.”
A supporter asked whether politicians would accept responsibility if their policies failed.
The candidate looked genuinely astonished.
“Of course not,” she replied. “That’s what the previous administration is for.”
Five Humorous Observations
- “You’re perfect. Your landlord is the problem.” That’s the nicest thing anyone’s said to me since the guy at the Waffle House told me I looked “rested.”
- The training manual lists billionaires, banks, employers and the weather. It does not list “I bought a nine-hundred-dollar phone.” That’s the missing chapter, and every one of us has read it, usually in the checkout line.
- The guy orders delivery six nights a week and the candidate says capitalism exploits him. Sir, capitalism is the guy on the bicycle who brought you the pad thai. He’s exploited, too. He’s got a better argument.
- Security removed the reporter who said “learn to cook.” You don’t throw someone out for that. You throw them a casserole.
- “That’s what the previous administration is for.” That’s the oldest line in politics, and the one every one of them says right before they get replaced by the next previous administration.