Texas Elects Socialism, Gets Free Waiting Room
Everything’s free until somebody asks who’s paying
AUSTIN, Texas — Texas has survived droughts, dust storms, cattle fever, oil crashes, and the Dallas Cowboys’ annual promise that this will finally be their year. Now comes a new experiment: James Talarico in the United States Senate and Gina Hinojosa in the governor’s mansion.
The two Democrats won their races on Election Night, ending decades of Republican dominance in Texas statewide politics, as the Associated Press reported. The election was expensive. The promises were ambitious. Within the hour, the Bohiney Department of Economic Catastrophes had begun preparing a forecast of what happens when every government benefit expands until nobody is left to finance it.
Their first discovery was encouraging: everything would be free. Their second was less so. Nobody in the building could say who was paying. A junior analyst raised his hand to ask, and was reassigned to the Department of Raised Hands.
Texas Elects Socialists
- Texas voters find out socialism is free, as long as somebody else pays for it. The first economic lesson arrives when the government runs out of other people’s money and starts calling your paycheck an untapped community resource.
- James Talarico promises to make healthcare affordable, and Texans immediately start practicing standing in line. Under the Socialist Healthcare Experience, the doctor’s appointment is free, the waiting room is free, and the first available cardiologist is scheduled for your grandchildren’s retirement.
- Gina Hinojosa rolls out the ultimate wealth redistribution programme: take money from people who work and hand it to people who administer the redistribution programme. By the time it reaches anyone in need, it’s worn out from passing through 17 government offices.
- Texas Democrats discover transgender policy is easier to talk about than the price of diesel. The Legislature spends six hours arguing over school sports eligibility while a rancher asks if anybody can explain why his tractor costs $180,000.
- Free public transportation arrives in rural Texas. The government gives every rancher a complimentary bus, with convenient service between downtown Austin and a bus stop 94 miles from his property.
James Talarico and the Loaves-and-Fishes Budget
Talarico, a former teacher whose message blends Christian faith with progressive economics, has campaigned on making the wealthy pay a larger share and widening access to affordable healthcare, the Texas Tribune has reported.
That gave our entirely unofficial economic forecasting department an idea. Why stop there? Jesus fed 5,000 people with five loaves and two fish. Under the proposed Bohiney reading of progressive economics, Talarico would open a Department of Miraculous Food Distribution, hire 1,400 administrators, commission a three-year environmental impact study, and investigate whether the fish were unionized.
The miracle would eventually cost $850 million. The bread would arrive stale. The fish would be unavailable because of a procurement dispute.
A rancher from Amarillo asked the obvious question. “If Jesus could feed 5,000 people with five loaves, why does Washington need $40 million to purchase a sandwich?”
A congressional economist explained that Jesus had been operating without modern federal oversight, and that frankly it showed in the leftovers. Twelve baskets, no receipts.
Gina Hinojosa’s Wealth Redistribution Plan Starts With Everyone Else’s Wallet
Hinojosa campaigned on a proposed one-time $1,500 refund and lower property taxes, alongside changes to education and healthcare, according to her campaign materials. Bohiney’s Treasury Department has already expanded those proposals into something far more ambitious.
Every Texan receives a check. Every millionaire receives a bill. Every billionaire receives an invitation to relocate to Florida. The trouble starts when the government finds out that billionaires own accountants, lawyers, and private airplanes, and that the airplanes are faster than the paperwork.
An economic adviser announces that the rich must finally pay their fair share. A reporter asks how much a fair share is.
“Whatever we haven’t collected yet,” he says.
In the Bohiney scenario, the Legislature creates 11 new agencies devoted to redistributing wealth. Each one needs a director, a deputy director, an assistant deputy director, a human resources office, a community relations director, and executive parking. The redistribution budget is gone before the first poor family sees a dime. An auditor finds that Texas has successfully moved $6 billion from taxpayers to government employees. The governor calls it an important first step.
Memo From the Texas Office of Equitable Outcomes
A one-page internal memo, circulated to all 11 agency directors and obtained by Bohiney, offers guidance on how to discuss the shortfall with the press:
“Please stop describing the money as ‘gone.’ It is ‘in transit.’ If asked where it is in transit to, the approved answer is ‘a better place.’ Do not specify which better place. Several of us have been to Austin’s better places and none of them take direct deposit.”
Texas School Sports Debate Becomes the Only Industry Still Growing
Talarico’s position on transgender participation in school sports became a campaign controversy. He opposed earlier Republican restrictions but said during the campaign that safety and fairness should govern eligibility decisions, as the Texas Tribune reported. The University Interscholastic League has watched the whole thing from the bleachers with a bag of popcorn.
In the Bohiney version of Austin politics, legislators decide the subject deserves its own 24-hour television network. Hearings become so frequent that members start getting assigned to extra committees just to give everyone a break. One representative asks whether the chamber could discuss cattle prices, school funding, or the electrical grid. The chair replies that those matters fall outside the jurisdiction of the newly created Office of Permanent Political Controversy.
Texas ranchers grow more confused by the week. Their concerns remain feed, water, diesel, property taxes, and what happens when a tractor dies in the middle of harvest. One rancher wants to know why his tractor costs $180,000, and nobody in the hearing room will make eye contact with him.
A dairy farmer lays out the situation: “I’ve got 200 cows that need milking twice a day. If the Legislature spent half as much time on electricity prices as it does on school locker rooms, I might finally afford the electricity to milk them.”
The cows have no political opinion. They’re too busy producing something.
Free Healthcare in Texas Arrives, Followed by an Expensive Waiting Room
Both candidates ran on making healthcare more affordable. Bohiney’s budget analysts, reading the word “affordable” the way a toddler reads the word “no,” took it to mean free. Their future socialist Texas eliminates medical bills entirely. Doctors work without payment. Hospitals operate without expenses. Medicine grows on government-owned trees, which the Health and Human Services Commission has asked everyone to stop climbing.
A rancher with chest pains walks into his local clinic. The receptionist assures him that his care is completely free.
“Wonderful. When can I see the doctor?”
“Thursday.”
“This Thursday?”
“No, sir. We’re currently scheduling Thursday appointments for February 2031.”
The rancher points out that he might not live that long. The receptionist reassures him that emergency funeral assistance is available through a separate government programme. Unfortunately, that programme requires proof of medical necessity.
What 1,100 Texas Ranchers Told Pollsters
A survey of 1,100 ranchers by the Panhandle Rural Opinion Panel found 94 percent support for free healthcare, 91 percent support for free transportation, and 100 percent support for somebody else paying for both. The margin of error was four points, or roughly one rancher. The remaining respondents were cattle who had been dialed by mistake, and they declined to comment on the grounds that they were chewing.
Free Public Transportation Comes to Rural Texas
Hinojosa’s healthcare record includes support for free transportation to appointments at regional hospitals. Bohiney’s government takes that modest idea and inflates it into the Texas Universal Transportation Initiative, which the Texas Department of Transportation learned about by reading the newspaper.
Every resident receives free public transportation. The first bus arrives in Wichita Falls. The second arrives in Dallas. The third gets lost somewhere between Childress and Lubbock and is eventually found at a Whataburger.
A rancher living 37 miles outside Archer City calls the transportation department.
“I’d like to use my free bus.”
“Certainly. The nearest stop is downtown.”
“How do I get there?”
“You’ll need a car.”
“But I thought transportation was free.”
“The bus is free. Getting to the bus is your responsibility.”
The rancher hangs up and drives his pickup truck. The government congratulates itself on reducing transportation inequality.
Fine Print on the Back of the Transit Card
The back of the card, printed in type roughly the size of a flea, reads: “Rides are free of charge. Reaching the ride is billed separately at the rider’s expense. Rider assumes all risk of arrival. Distance is not included. Neither is the bus, on days it does not come.”
Texas Welfare Spending Triples, Taxpayers Become an Endangered Species
In Bohiney’s 2030 forecast, welfare spending triples over four years. The expansion takes an extraordinary administrative effort. Entire buildings are converted into benefits offices. Every programme gets a new website, every website demands a password, and every password expires after 14 days. The state now employs enough benefits administrators to field its own minor-league baseball team, although the team must apply for a recreational grant before it can buy baseballs.
The state’s own benefits staff offered a sober note on the starting point. USAFacts puts Texas SNAP participation between the two most recent annual averages at about 3.44 million recipients and then 3.47 million. A deputy director described those figures as “a rounding error awaiting leadership.”
The last surviving taxpayer in West Texas gets a congratulatory letter. “Thank you for supporting 19,000 public servants.”
He writes back. “You’re welcome. Could one of them help me fix my fence?”
His request is denied, because fence repair falls under the Department of Agricultural Self-Sufficiency.
Cradle-to-Grave Government Services Reach Every Texan
The Hinojosa administration unveils its most comprehensive proposal yet. Government supervision begins at birth and continues through the funeral. Every newborn receives a state-issued identification number, a healthcare coordinator, an educational development plan, a housing assessment, a nutrition adviser, and a 14-page questionnaire on future employment preferences. The baby is asked to answer in complete sentences.
At five, children attend government-approved preschool. At 18, they receive guidance on selecting government employment. At 30, they apply for housing assistance. At 40, they attend compulsory financial counseling led by a government employee whose department has blown through its budget for 17 consecutive years. At retirement, each resident gets a complimentary brochure explaining why Social Security needs additional funding.
At death, the family must submit Form D-17 requesting permission to terminate government services. Processing takes six to eight weeks. The deceased continues to receive appointment reminders, and, per one family, a satisfaction survey.
A 94-year-old rancher sums up the arrangement: “I was born at home, worked my whole life, and built something my children could inherit. Now the state wants to help me fill out a form proving I’m still alive.”
Texas Economy Collapses in 2028, and Democrats Blame Trump
In the newspaper’s 2028 forecast, the Texas economy runs into serious trouble. Businesses complain about administrative costs. Investors get nervous, and the Texas Comptroller starts taking calls only from numbers it recognizes. Government spending rises faster than revenue. Politicians hold an emergency press conference.
A reporter asks who is responsible.
“Donald Trump,” announces the state’s economic recovery coordinator.
“But these spending decisions were made in Austin.”
“Trump.”
“Some of these programmes were created after the election.”
“Still Trump.”
“Governor, the state just approved a $600 million programme to teach unemployed adults how to apply for government jobs.”
“An unfortunate consequence of Trump’s economic legacy.”
“Your administration designed it.”
“That shows how deep the damage goes.”
By the end of the press conference, Trump has been blamed for inflation, unemployment, insufficient rainfall, excessive rainfall, rising electricity bills, and the cancellation of a Dallas Cowboys playoff game. Even the Republicans are impressed by the efficiency, and one of them asks for the coordinator’s business card.
Texas Cows Explain the Problem With Socialism
The Bohiney Department of Bovine Economics decides to examine the economic philosophy of cattle, starting with how a dairy actually pays its bills.
A Holstein produces milk. The milk is sold. The farmer uses the revenue to cover feed, electricity, veterinary bills, employees, equipment loans, and property taxes. Whatever is left over is technically called profit. Most dairy farmers have heard of it. A few claim to have seen it.
Under the socialist system, the government arrives to redistribute the milk. One cow produces eight gallons. Another produces four. A third produces none, because she spent the morning at a publicly funded personal development workshop. The government orders all three cows to receive equal quantities of milk.
The productive cow objects. The government forms a grievance committee. The committee hires a consultant. The consultant concludes that milk production creates inequality. The government introduces a tax on milk. Production falls. The government announces a milk shortage and creates a subsidy for dairy farmers. The cows request permission to return to capitalism, and their applications are pending.
The Last Cowboy Turns Out the Lights
By 2030, in Bohiney’s socialist Texas, the economic miracle has started to resemble a government office. Everything is available. Nothing is immediately obtainable. Everything is free. Everybody owes money. The government employs more people to administer the economy than the economy can afford to employ.
James Talarico is giving another speech about fairness. Gina Hinojosa is announcing another programme to help people cope with the consequences of the previous programme. Political consultants are recommending another $300 million in advertising to explain why the reforms need more time.
Somewhere outside Wichita Falls, an elderly rancher sits on his porch watching his cattle. His grandson asks why the cows look so content.
“Simple,” the old man says. “They get up every morning, do their jobs, and don’t expect somebody in Austin to do it for them.”
The boy considers this. “Grandpa, why don’t we elect a cow governor?”
“Because, son, the cow would have to take a pay cut to work for the government.”
And that is how the Texas cattle industry became the only political constituency in America demanding fewer benefits and more responsibility.
This story comes from the editorial collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer.
10 Humorous Observations on Texas’s New Socialist Paradise
- Welfare spending triples in four years in Bohiney’s socialist nightmare. The governor celebrates the historic expansion of assistance while the last remaining taxpayer asks if the government could help with his escape expenses.
- Texas introduces cradle-to-grave government services. At birth, the government hands you your paperwork. In childhood, it hands you lunch. In adulthood, it hands you benefits. At death, your family gets a bill for the paperwork.
- James Talarico discovers Jesus never hired 43,000 government employees to distribute five loaves and two fish. His economic advisers assure him this was an unfortunate historical oversight.
- Socialist Texas guarantees every citizen a job, housing, healthcare, and transportation. Unfortunately, the job is filling out forms, the housing is a waiting list, the healthcare needs authorization, and the transportation is a shuttle to the welfare office.
- The Texas economy collapses in the 2028 forecast, and Democrats blame Donald Trump. Trump has apparently developed the extraordinary ability to control government spending in Austin without signing a single Texas budget.
- Texas cattle refuse to take part in wealth redistribution. A Holstein that produces eight gallons of milk won’t hand over seven to a cow that spent the morning at a government mindfulness seminar.
- The first socialist Texas budget requires more money than exists in Texas. Legislators respond by creating a committee to investigate why taxpayers have failed to produce enough taxable income.
- Hinojosa announces that no Texan will ever have to face hardship alone. Every resident gets a government caseworker who will explain the hardship, classify it, and schedule an appointment to review whether it qualifies as hardship.
- Texas replaces the American Dream with the Government Application. Instead of working hard and building a future, residents are encouraged to submit Form 47-B and wait for authorization to become prosperous.
- By 2030, cattle are the only Texans still producing more than they consume. State economists propose taxing methane, taxing milk, taxing manure, and assigning each cow a government employee to monitor its carbon footprint. The cow asks if it can just be turned into hamburger.