Politicians Fix What Still Works First
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Millions of frustrated Americans have voted for socialism after concluding that their lives could not possibly become any worse, prompting government officials to announce an ambitious nationwide initiative to prove them wrong.
The election results represent an enormous opportunity for bureaucrats who have spent decades trying to convince the public that every inconvenience requires a federal department.
The 900-Page Application for Emotional Relief
“Americans are exhausted,” explained newly elected socialist Congressman Daniel Goodintent. “They’re struggling with bills, employment, childcare and uncertainty. That’s why we’re introducing a 900-page application for emotional relief.”
The application requires two forms of identification, proof of dissatisfaction, documentation of previous happiness and a notarized statement explaining why the applicant has failed capitalism.
Government employees estimate that processing will take approximately eighteen months.
“People don’t understand how complicated happiness is,” Goodintent explained. “First, we have to create a committee to define it.”
The Fine Print
Page 611 of the application, according to a copy reviewed by reporters, contains a clause stating that “applicants whose dissatisfaction is resolved during processing must resubmit under the original dissatisfaction.” A second clause on page 702 notes that happiness found “outside the approved channels” will be treated as a clerical error.
Inside the Department of Happiness Administration
The Department of Happiness Administration will initially employ 14,000 people, none of whom will be responsible for making anybody happy.
Their duties will involve measuring satisfaction, developing equity guidelines and ensuring that all government-issued smiles comply with federal regulations.
Americans who complain that the system is not working will receive a pamphlet explaining why complaining demonstrates the system is working.
Minutes from the department’s first planning meeting, which ran four hours and eleven minutes, show that three hours were spent on whether the word “department” should be capitalized in the pamphlet. The remaining time went to scheduling a follow-up meeting.
Voters Want Change; Congress Starts With the Staplers
Political scientists point out that discontent can produce dramatic electoral changes. The AP-NORC survey of American voters found that eight in ten wanted substantial change or complete upheaval in how the country is run.
Congressman Goodintent interpreted this as a mandate to reorganize the Department of Transportation’s office furniture.
“People voted for change,” he declared. “We are changing everything, beginning with the staplers.”
New Federal Agencies for Personal Problems
The new administration has also proposed a comprehensive Department of Personal Problems.
Citizens suffering from disappointing relationships will be assigned a federal romantic compatibility coordinator.
Americans unhappy with their careers will receive government-approved motivational posters featuring cheerful workers at government employment offices.
Those experiencing financial difficulties will be offered a free seminar explaining why money is a capitalist illusion. The seminar costs $175.
One taxpayer, Harold McKenzie, attended an early government listening session.
“I told them my rent was too high,” McKenzie recalled. “They assigned me a caseworker, a housing navigator, a social equity advocate and a consultant who wanted to know whether my refrigerator felt included.”
After six meetings, McKenzie’s rent remained unchanged.
However, his refrigerator was officially classified as an underserved appliance.
Campaign officials celebrated the achievement as a historic breakthrough in household justice.
Government Inefficiency Complaints Get Their Own Office
The government also announced that all complaints about government inefficiency would be reviewed by a new Office of Government Inefficiency Complaints. The Government Accountability Office has spent years documenting overlapping federal programs, a hobby the new office described as “welcome and also redundant.”
Its first official act was to request a larger budget.
A report from the Office of Federal Paperwork Review, released Monday, concluded that the new office would require 212 staff members to process the complaints about the 211 staff members already processing complaints.
Asked whether socialist policies might make existing problems worse, Congressman Goodintent rejected the possibility.
“That’s defeatist thinking,” he explained. “We believe every American deserves the opportunity to discover entirely new problems.”
The department’s official motto is expected to read:
“You thought things were bad before? Your application is still being processed.”
Five Humorous Observations
- A 900-page application for emotional relief. I’ve had relationships that ended faster than that form takes to print, and those had lawyers.
- They needed a committee to define happiness. Happiness is when the committee gets canceled. That took me four seconds and I didn’t even go to college.
- Your refrigerator is “underserved.” Meanwhile the lightbulb inside has been working every time you open the door for fifteen years and nobody sent it a pamphlet.
- Fourteen thousand people hired to measure happiness who aren’t responsible for creating any. That’s every wedding DJ I’ve ever met.
- The first thing the new government changed was the staplers. Which is fair. In any office, the stapler is the only thing that has ever worked, so of course that’s the one they went after.