Congress Unveils Bold New “Do Nothing Faster” Initiative

By Clarisse Fontaine, Senior National Inactivity Correspondent

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move hailed by both parties as “historic,” Congress today passed the Accelerated Legislative Paralysis Act, a sweeping bipartisan measure designed to ensure lawmakers can avoid taking action at record-breaking speeds.

The new initiative, already nicknamed Do Nothing Faster by Capitol Hill insiders, was introduced after a closed-door meeting in which House and Senate leaders realized they were wasting valuable time arguing before agreeing not to pass anything at all.

“If we can streamline our gridlock, just think of the opportunities,” said Senator Roy Blathers (R–OK), the bill’s chief sponsor. “Imagine a future where we can avoid passing infrastructure reform in half the time it takes us now.”

The legislation includes funding for upgraded filibuster podiums with cup holders, high-speed swivel chairs, and a subscription to Zoom Premium so members can adjourn from home “without changing out of golf attire.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“It’s like NASCAR, but instead of going fast in circles, they just sit in leather chairs and go nowhere.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“You know your government’s efficient when they can disappoint you before you even finish your morning coffee.” — Ron White
“At this point, C-SPAN should just be a screensaver of a turtle napping.” — Bill Burr
“I tried reading the bill, but it adjourned itself halfway through.” — Sarah Silverman
“The filibuster podium now comes with a Bluetooth speaker. Because why just waste time when you can waste it to music?” — Ricky Gervais
“They should rename it the ‘Netflix Initiative,’ because all they’re doing is binge-watching each other fail.” — Trevor Noah
“Even the interns are wearing Fitbits to track how little gets done.” — Kevin Hart
“If Congress ran a restaurant, the menu would say, ‘Ask us tomorrow.’” — Larry David
“I’m convinced the Capitol dome is just a giant procrastination helmet.” — Amy Schumer
“They say nothing gets done in Washington. Now they’re proud of it. That’s like me bragging about not going to the gym since ’98.” — Chris Rock
“Imagine being so bad at your job, you make a law to keep it that way.” — Dave Chappelle
“Congress is basically a sitcom that ran out of plotlines, but they keep renewing it.” — Ali Wong

Expert Testimony

Dr. Leonora Huxley, political scientist at the Institute for Legislative Delay Studies, says the move is “revolutionary in its commitment to stasis.”

“Historically, gridlock was an unfortunate side effect of ideological division,” she explained. “Now, it’s the central mission. It’s like a bakery advertising that they’ve perfected the art of burning bread.”

Eyewitness Account

Gerald “Skip” Tolman, a janitor who has worked in the Capitol for 27 years, recalls the day the bill was signed.

“They all shook hands, took a picture, and went home,” he said. “Honestly, I was impressed. Usually, they’d argue for three days before not doing anything.”

Anonymous Staffer Quote

An aide to a senior senator revealed the real reason for the legislation:

“We just needed more time for golf tournaments, lobbyist dinners, and writing memoirs no one will read. Plus, the faster we officially ‘do nothing,’ the more time we have to post inspirational quotes on Instagram.”

The Poll That No One Asked For

According to a Gallop-In-Place survey:

• 49% of Americans think Do Nothing Faster is a waste of time.

• 32% think it’s “about time Congress embraced its strengths.”

• 11% were unsure but liked the tote bag.

• 8% believed the bill already passed three years ago.

Cause and Effect

Political analysts warn the initiative could have long-term consequences:

• Government shutdowns may now happen before the fiscal year starts.

• Approving national disaster aid will take mere minutes—to delay.

• International allies may be confused when treaties are signed in invisible ink.

Archival Footage

Grainy black-and-white film from 1957 shows lawmakers in suits reading newspapers during a budget crisis. Historians confirm this was the “prototype” for the Do Nothing Faster strategy—minus the tote bags.

Closing Punchline

In a joint press conference, House Speaker and Senate Majority Leader reassured the American public:

“We hear your concerns. And rest assured, we will get around to ignoring them much sooner than ever before.”

Humorous Observations

• Congress has been accused of “doing nothing” for decades, but this is the first time it’s gotten a budget line and a logo.

• The new motto — “Efficiency in Inefficiency” — is printed on tote bags already available in the Capitol gift shop.

• Lawmakers are considering “expedited not-listening” protocols where they can cut off constituents in 12 seconds flat.

• The bill earmarks $4 million for “state-of-the-art sighing” training to show deep concern without any follow-up.

• Senate Minority Leader bragged the plan will “cut inaction by 37%,” though analysts pointed out that percentage has no meaning in this context.

• Staffers are now required to practice “urgent shrugging” in case cameras catch them in the background of C-SPAN broadcasts.

• Committees will meet twice as often but only to adjourn twice as quickly.

• Lobbyists praised the bill for “saving everyone time” since bribes will now be accepted in digital form.

• The Congressional gym has added a “treadmill desk” for senators to pace in place while pretending to draft bills.

• Filibusters will be replaced with TED Talk–style PowerPoints titled “Why I’m Not Voting for This.”

• A new position — Director of Legislative Stalling — will be filled by a former DMV clerk.

• Even the Congressional cafeteria is on board, introducing the “Gridlock Combo Meal,” which comes with fries you can’t eat until after the midterms.

• Appropriations will now be decided by coin flips, rock-paper-scissors, or “whatever the lobbyist says.”

• For transparency, all bill titles will now end with the words “…Eventually.”

• Both parties have agreed to fast-track their own re-election campaigns while slow-walking literally everything else.

IMAGE GALLERY

Congress Unveils Bold New “Do Nothing Faster” Initiative