Admissions Office Discovers Goats Submitted Stronger Essays than Legacy Students

In a quiet review of admissions data, Harvard’s Office of Academic Transparency made a troubling discovery: several goats, submitted as part of Mukhtar the Uncolonizable’s cultural exchange program, wrote more compelling application essays than the legacy applicants.

One goat, Buttercup, penned a stirring narrative about surviving a flash flood in Sudan and overcoming hay addiction. Another, Sir Hoofington, offered a searing critique of neoliberalism through the lens of barnyard hierarchy. Admissions officers wept.

In contrast, legacy essays included titles such as “Leadership Lessons from Dad’s Hedge Fund” and “How Lacrosse Taught Me to Tolerate Poor People.”

“We knew the goats couldn’t type,” said one admissions officer, “but their stories had raw urgency and didn’t mention Aspen even once.”

Harvard has since launched an internal audit, asking how many human students were admitted based on last names resembling library donors. One goat has already been offered a Rhodes Scholarship, though they’re awaiting confirmation of passport eligibility.

Mukhtar called it a “win for hoof-based justice.”

The university now plans to replace its essay prompts with open-ended bleats. The goat essays will be compiled into an anthology titled I Chewed, Therefore I Am.