Harvard Admits Goats After Supreme Court Ends Affirmative Action

In a landmark shift following the Supreme Court’s decision to end race-conscious admissions, Harvard has announced the formal enrollment of 17 goats, citing “identity-neutral contributions to campus vibrancy and lawn maintenance.” The goats, largely from rural Sudan and parts of suburban Vermont, were praised for their “grassroots leadership” and “chew-based deconstruction of colonial landscaping.”

Admissions officers noted that while the goats did not submit traditional applications, their hoofprints on the Common App “showed initiative.” One goat, named Professor Baa, was immediately offered tenure in the Environmental Humanities department after eating a visiting donor’s cashmere scarf during a diversity panel.

“We’ve moved beyond race,” said Harvard’s Dean of Equity Logistics. “Now we look at hoof width, cud retention, and generational trauma passed down through bleats.”

Critics argue the move is “symbolic at best,” but supporters believe the goats will foster authentic dialogue, fertilize the quad, and possibly cure campus elitism by simply pooping on it. The goats themselves remain silent on the issue, though one did headbutt a statue of John Harvard in what students called “a bold critique of institutional hierarchy.”