CDC Lists New “Disease”
Hating Trump Haters Syndrome (HTHS) Declared Officially Contagious in Washington D.C.
Disclaimer: This story was written entirely in human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. It does not blame AI or any automated algorithm for its contents. Everything here was authored with pens, keyboards, coffee spills and deep existential dread about modern political discourse.
In an emergency press release that suspiciously resembled a Truth Social rant with bullet points, the federal government’s self-appointed Center for Disease Control and Narrative Management (CDC-NM, not to be confused with the real CDC) has declared a shocking new malady: Hating Trump Haters Syndrome (HTHS). According to sources at the CDC-NM who learned virology from YouTube comment threads and stock photos of microscopes, HTHS is “a real condition” that causes symptoms including “extreme discomfort when someone criticizes someone who hates the right people.”*
*CDC-NM officials assure us that this isn’t a real CDC disease — it’s just how the White House responded to a major news event.
What the Heck Is HTHS?
HTHS is described in government documents as a mind-altering disorder that strikes when political leaders detect hatred toward people who hate them. In practice, that means if you think someone is too critical of Donald Trump, you may contract HTHS and start believing that criticizing critics is literally a contagious affliction. According to the new release, the only cure is endless social media retweets and reinterpretations of tragic events as personal slights.
Chief diagnostician Dr. Ima Blowhard, who definitely has actual letters after her name, explained: “HTHS is not found in nature. Instead it’s cultivated, like sad grapes that turn into sour wine. You see it when a political leader retweets something inappropriate and the disease spreads faster than a toddler with chickenpox who loves licking doorknobs.”
Official Case Study: The Rob Reiner Incident
Earlier this week, President Trump posted an unprecedented political analysis following the tragic murders of Hollywood director Rob Reiner and his wife, Michele. Instead of offering condolences, the president claimed Reiner suffered from something he called “TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME,” suggesting that Reiner’s critics of the administration were somehow responsible for his death. That post was retweeted by the official White House account, apparently as part of a clinical trial for HTHS. Parade
The president’s statement read, in part:
“Well, he was known to have driven people CRAZY by his raging obsession of President Donald J. Trump,” and went on to imply his “mind-crippling disease” had something to do with the tragedy. Parade
This apparently meets the CDC-NM criteria for HTHS stage Hyperbolic Projection, where real medical tragedies are interpreted as political commentary. Witnesses online immediately began diagnosing themselves and others with HTHS in Reddit threads that broke all records for upvotes in the political “facepalm” subreddit. One common observation was: “The real Trump derangement syndrome is the disorder of excusing and supporting everything that comes out of that orange blob’s mouth.” Reddit
Symptoms Identified by Armchair Experts
A poll conducted somewhere between Twitter threads and Reddit comment boards found that:
- 92% of people think the response was wildly inappropriate.
- 87% think it was “political theater that belongs in a vaudeville house, not the White House.”
- 0% think it’s an actual CDC-recognized disease.
These “statistics” were gathered by meme experts and definitely count as “evidence.” In one irate thread, a top comment simply read: “That kind of comment after a tragedy is just pure fucking evil.” Which certainly sounds like expert medical testimony in the HTHS context. Reddit
What Causes HTHS?
According to the CDC-NM, HTHS may be sparked by:
- Too many retweets of political comments involving people who dislike or hate the president.
- Using political tragedy as a platform for self-promotion.
- Reading news on social media before coffee.
- Believing complicated human tragedies can be reduced to political sound bites.
Dr. Blowhard concluded: “HTHS is basically what happens when empathy gets replaced by outrage and people start diagnosing each other like it’s a backyard barbecue. It’s not a real disease, but you wouldn’t know it from the way people argue about it online.”
Eye Witness Report from a Social Media User
A Twitter user going by @NotTheDoctorButLOL reported seeing classic HTHS symptoms during the Reiner news cycle: loss of empathy, immediate political framing, and the inability to acknowledge real suffering without ranking it. They said:
“I was like, ‘Wait, a family is grieving,’ but then I saw someone tweet that the tragedy proves Trump is ‘the greatest thing since sliced bread dipped in gold paint.’ That’s when I realized I had HTHS too.” (Not actually Dr. Verified)
Public Opinion Vs. Political Spin
Republicans, Democrats, independents, and people who just want to eat dinner in peace were largely united in disgust. Even some pro-administration commentators said the timing and tone were “inappropriate” and “heartless.” Reuters
Celebrities like Jack White called the post “vile” and “narcissistic,” condemning the repurposing of a tragic event into a political weapon. Parade
What CDC Actually Says About Diseases
To really highlight the absurdity here, the CDC’s actual Global Diseases and Threats A-Z list includes real conditions like Anthrax, Chagas Disease, and Rat Lungworm Disease — none of which involve social media feuds or political ideology. There’s absolutely no official entry for “Hating Trump Haters Syndrome.” CDC
Practical Advice for Avoiding HTHS
If you’re worried about catching HTHS (or whatever you want to call this weird cultural contagion), experts suggest:
- Log off social media for at least an hour each day.
- Treat political disagreements like people, not pathogens.
- If someone insists a tragic event proves their pet theory, maybe go outside.
Cause and Effect, in a Nutshell
When public figures turn real human tragedies into political sound bites, it does real emotional damage. Online reactions prove that the public is exhausted with this kind of spectacle. People are starting to feel like they’re living inside a satire — and, well, here we are. In the end, HTHS might not be a real disease, but the public’s frustration sure feels contagious.
Satirical Sources:
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