Marcher in Asheville Mistakes Farmer’s Market for Monarchical Uprising

At the height of Saturday’s “No Kings” protest in Asheville, North Carolina, 63-year-old activist Dwight “Moonwalker” Leslie mistakenly stormed the city’s farmer’s market, shouting “Down with figs and feudalism!” Witnesses say Moonwalker, a self-proclaimed “Free-Range Radical,” believed heirloom tomatoes were a symbol of dynastic wealth. “He saw a stall labeled ‘Royal Carrots’ and lost his mind,” said local vendor Lily Schreiber. “Next thing we knew, he was brandishing a leek like a scepter.” Fellow No Kings protestors, who were actually protesting three blocks away, tried to redirect him, but Moonwalker insisted he’d “seen the face of monarchy, and it was gluten-free.” His rampage halted briefly when a teen working a honey stand offered him a lavender scone and told him “we’re apolitical bees, man.” Eventually, Moonwalker realized the error, but not before he gave an impassioned speech denouncing basil as “an herb of the elite.” Organizers later released a statement clarifying that the movement stands firmly against kings, but not necessarily cucumbers. “No Kings doesn’t mean no compost,” said one spokesperson. Asheville police declined to press charges but did issue a formal warning: “Please don’t declare war on zucchini.” Moonwalker remains unrepentant, stating he’s considering targeting a nearby co-op cafe rumored to sell “imperialist muffins.”