New $14 Coffee Shop Requires Resume, Headshot, and Soul for Entry
Coffee, but they make it competitive.
LOS ANGELES — A new Silver Lake coffee shop named “Brewmé” is causing a stir with its unique entry requirements: a curated resume, two recent headshots, and one fragment of your eternal soul.
The menu features items like “Imposter Syndrome Espresso,” “Oat Milk Trauma Latte,” and “Cold Brew with Attachment Issues.”
Owner and creative director Huxley Z. Pillowman says the goal is to “curate a sacred caffeinated space for self-actualized micro-celebrities who meditate ironically.”
To even be considered for a cappuccino, patrons must pass a vibe check administered by a retired child star turned Reiki barista. The latte art? Your zodiac chart in foam.
What the Funny People Are Saying:
- “Their loyalty card is just a mirror that says ‘Earn it.’” — Ron White
- “I waited 40 minutes for coffee and left with a gluten-free breakdown.” — Jerry Seinfeld
- “There’s a therapist booth in the bathroom. It costs more than the espresso.” — Amy Schumer
Brewmé has no chairs — just reclaimed tree stumps and silent judgment. Wi-Fi is only available in exchange for a haiku and proof of chakra alignment.
BREAKING NEWS
• LA Baristas Now Legally Allowed to Reject Customers for Bad Auras
• Local Man Denied Espresso for Wearing Polyester
• Soul Extraction Booth Installed Beside Tip Jar
• Coffee Shop Launches Podcast About Its Own Journey
• Yelp Reviews Include Star Ratings and Birth Charts
DISCLAIMER: This article was brewed at 108 degrees using self-awareness and Himalayan resentment. All soul fragments are stored in mason jars. Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
IMAGE GALLERY