Protesters March Against ICE, Later Complain It Takes 9 Months to Deport Their Ex
Five early warning signs love needed border control
The loudest person yelling “Abolish U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement” was later seen whispering “Is there an emotional removal form” into their reusable coffee cup.
Someone held a sign that said “No Human Is Illegal” and later tried to Venmo charge their ex a relocation fee, including processing costs and emotional damages.
A chant of “Tear down all walls” lost momentum when someone asked how to password protect their heart.
Half the crowd believes in open borders, but none of them want their ex crossing back into their DMs.
The protest was anti detention centers until someone admitted they still had their ex’s hoodie in long term custody.
Dateline: Downtown, Where Ideals Go to Meet Their Ex
Saturday’s march began like many civic gatherings do, with cardboard signs, righteous conviction, and the shared understanding that someone else should handle the complicated parts. The cause was serious. The tone was urgent. The snacks were gluten free and morally superior.
Protesters filled the streets chanting about abolition, compassion, and a world without enforcement. It was a symphony of optimism conducted by people who had never tried to remove a former partner from a shared phone plan.
By mid afternoon, a new issue surfaced. Not immigration. Not federal policy. Juan.
Juan, according to multiple witnesses, is an ex who continues to appear at brunch locations like a sequel nobody approved. His former partner, who declined to give her name but did give a 14 minute monologue, summed it up this way: “I oppose deportation systems structurally. But if there were a humane, expedited emotional relocation service, I would not stand in its way.”
Sociologist Dr. Lenora Phipps, author of Boundaries Are Just Emotional Fences, offered academic insight. “What we are seeing,” she explained, “is a classic case of ideological abstraction colliding with lived inconvenience. People oppose systems in theory but rediscover them when Juan still has their HBO login.”
She adjusted her glasses like a person who has written a grant about this exact thing.
The Department of Romantic Enforcement
As chants echoed through downtown, several participants quietly began forming what witnesses described as “a support subcommittee for removing specific men.”
One marcher admitted, “I don’t believe in forced removal. I just think my ex should be gently escorted out of my life by Tuesday, ideally with a moving van and emotional closure paperwork.”
A local eyewitness, a hot dog vendor named Raul who has seen every protest since 2009, shook his head slowly. “Every rally ends the same way. First they want to abolish authority. Then they want authority to come tow somebody’s emotional Honda Civic.”
Survey Results: The Personal Is Political
A clipboard appeared. A survey was conducted.
The findings from the extremely official sounding Northwest Institute of Personal Contradictions showed:
61.2 percent oppose deportation in all forms. 78.4 percent support immediate relocation of an ex who still uses their streaming passwords. 92.7 percent agree “Juan should not be allowed within 500 emotional feet.”
Cause and effect is undefeated. When principles meet exes, principles usually take the bus home alone.
Borders Are Imaginary Until Juan Texts “Hey”
Protest philosophy took a hit when a participant received a notification that Juan had liked a photo from 2017. This reopened what experts call “a closed emotional case.”
Chants paused. Heads bowed. Several people stared into the middle distance like war veterans of a relationship that involved shared succulents.
Dr. Phipps returned to explain. “Restorative justice works well in community harm contexts. It becomes more complicated when the harm is Juan tagging you in a memory from Coachella.”
One protester was overheard saying, “I believe in open borders, but emotionally I run a gated community with a moat and two raccoons trained to hiss at visitors.”
The metaphor resonated.
Tear Down All Walls, Except the One Around My Netflix
Later in the march, a woman holding a sign reading Tear Down All Walls asked her friends how to legally construct a digital barrier between herself and a man who still appears in her Hulu “continue watching.”
“Is there a restraining order for vibes,” she asked.
A nearby law student replied, “Technically yes, it’s called blocking.”
The group nodded with the gravity of people discovering fire.
An anonymous staffer from a relationship advice podcast, speaking on condition of plausible deniability, added, “We support compassion. But if Juan still has your password, you are funding the occupation.”
The crowd murmured agreement.
Abolish ICE, But Deport Juan
One marcher clarified her position to reporters. “I oppose deportation in theory. In practice, Juan needs to be relocated to another time zone, preferably one without WiFi.”
Another added, “I don’t want detention centers. I just want his hoodie held indefinitely as collateral.”
Political analyst Chuck Mallory, who livestreams from his car and calls it journalism, offered commentary. “You don’t hate enforcement. You just want to be the one holding the clipboard. It’s not abolish ICE. It’s privatize ICE for personal use.”
He sipped gas station coffee like a man fueled by spite and windshield glare.
Love Knows No Borders, Except the One Marked Do Not Cross
The march reached its emotional peak when a speaker shouted, “Love knows no borders.”
From the back of the crowd, someone yelled, “Except Juan.”
Applause followed. Unity was restored.
A new poll from the Institute of Highly Specific Feelings reported that while 84 percent of protesters believe in a world without walls, 100 percent believe Juan should stop “just checking in.”
This is the paradox of modern activism. Big ideas live in the sky. Exes live in your phone.
Restorative Justice Ends When He Says We Should Still Be Friends
Workshops at the rally promoted dialogue, empathy, and community healing. That is, until someone mentioned an ex who says “we should still be friends.”
The reaction was swift and bipartisan.
“That is a war crime,” one participant declared.
Dr. Phipps nodded solemnly. “We have found that forgiveness declines sharply when the offender still wants to borrow your emotional lawn mower.”
A Hotline for Expired Visas With Feelings
By sunset, three protesters were actively searching for a hotline to report an ex who “keeps reappearing like an expired visa with feelings.”
Volunteers offered tea, affirmations, and a shared understanding that while borders are imaginary, emotional trespassing is very real.
Raul the hot dog vendor closed his cart and summed up the day. “They don’t want deportation. They just want one very specific deportation. That’s not policy. That’s dating.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“I support open borders. Just not for my ex’s access to my hoodie collection,” said Jerry Seinfeld.
“Nothing makes you believe in enforcement like seeing your ex with someone who owns a boat,” said Ron White.
“They don’t want ICE. They want Uber for emotional removals,” said Amy Schumer.
“If love has no borders, explain blocking,” said Larry David.
“Restorative justice is great until someone restores themselves into your life,” said Jon Stewart.
The Part Nobody Wants to Admit
Big systems are complicated. So are small breakups. Ideals are easy to chant. Boundaries are harder to maintain when someone still knows your dog’s name.
The truth humming beneath the satire is simple. Humans want freedom for everyone and consequences for Juan. We dream of a world without walls, but we keep spare bricks labeled “Just in Case.”
In the end, the march achieved what most marches do. It brought people together, raised important questions, and reminded everyone that while policies shape nations, exes shape opinions much faster.
Because nothing radicalizes a person in favor of border control like seeing Juan at brunch.
This satirical report is presented for humor and commentary. This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings, the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!