MAGA Doctors Recommend Daily Doses of Arrogance Instead
Trump Claims Apologies Cause Weak Bones, Cites “Study” From Steakhouse Menu
MAGA Doctors Recommend Daily Doses of Arrogance Instead
BEDMINSTER, NJ — In a surprise health advisory issued between bites of well-done ribeye, Donald Trump declared that apologies “weaken bone density,” citing a laminated chart allegedly discovered on the back of a steakhouse dessert menu.
“Everyone knows calcium is canceled when you say sorry,” Trump said, holding up a napkin with a pie chart labeled “Apology Weakness Spectrum.”
Medical experts were unavailable for comment, as most were either laughing or hiding.
Trump’s proposed solution? MAGA-brand multivitamins containing no actual vitamins, but 600% of the recommended daily ego intake. “Arrogance builds cartilage,” claimed Dr. Chuck Freedom, Trump’s chiropractor-slash-podiatrist.
The official FDA warning reads: “Not approved, not evaluated, but definitely confident.”
The steakhouse in question, Big Beef’s Freedom Grill, features a “Trump Wellness Platter” — 32 oz. of meat and a shot of whiskey served in a plastic trophy.
When asked to clarify the science, Trump replied, “You want bones or truth? Because truth doesn’t need a spine.”
Meanwhile, chiropractors nationwide report a surge in MAGA-related posturing injuries, also known as “apology avoidance spasms.”
The Mayo Clinic issued a gentle rebuttal, only for Trump to accuse it of being “pro-vegetable and pro-remorse.”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
