Also Says Regret Causes Hair Loss, But Not for Him
Trump Claims Apologizing Shrinks the Hands, Cites “Very Real Science” From Trump University Textbook
Also Says Regret Causes Hair Loss, But Not for Him
PALM BEACH, FL — In a surprise press conference held on the 9th green of Mar-a-Lago, Donald J. Trump warned Americans that *apologizing causes hand shrinkage,* citing what he called “very real, very Trumpy science” allegedly published in a limited-edition Trump University textbook titled *Winning Anatomy: The Big Hand Theory.*
“Look at the guys who apologize all the time–tiny hands,” Trump said, extending his famously discussed fingers for the cameras. “You ever see a sorry person with manly mitts? Of course not. It’s biological surrender.”
The book also claims regret is linked to hair loss, voice cracks, and “general beta vibes.”
Melania asked for a retraction after reading it aloud. Trump said, “You pronounced it wrong. The word is ‘reaffirmation.'”
Medical professionals were unavailable for comment, mostly out of despair.
“We’ve studied the science deeply,” Trump claimed. “My hands are huge because I’ve never once said the S-word. That’s “sorry,’ not the other one. Although, also that.”
When pressed for peer-reviewed data, Trump held up a Sharpie drawing labeled “My Hands > Your Hands.”
“It’s not fake science,” he insisted. “It’s exclusive. Very boutique. Very American.”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
