National Holiday to Include Fireworks, Wrestling, and Absolutely No Regrets
Trump Declares “Sorry” Day Un-American, Replaces It with “Stand Your Ground and Smile” Festival
National Holiday to Include Fireworks, Wrestling, and Absolutely No Regrets
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a raucous Rose Garden announcement accompanied by a marching band, skydiving bald eagles, and Kid Rock playing guitar from the roof, Donald Trump has officially replaced National Sorry Day with “Stand Your Ground and Smile” Festival, a new American holiday dedicated to boldness, defiance, and upbeat denial.
“We don’t do apologies,” Trump bellowed, adjusting a flag-shaped bolo tie. “We do fireworks, fried food, and unapologetic greatness!”
The holiday’s core activities include backyard wrestling, impromptu soapbox speeches, and a ceremonial reading of *The Art of the Deal* by an Elvis impersonator riding a Segway.
The National Mall will host a new monument: a 60-foot granite thumb labeled “Never Pointed Inward.”
Festival food trucks will serve “Regretless Ribs” and “Freedom Fudge,” while the Trump Jr. DJ Tent plays loops of Trump’s top soundbites mashed with dubstep.
Schools are encouraged to replace history lessons with high-fives and crowd chants. “Education should feel like a rally,” said one Department of Vibes official.
Melania declined to attend the kickoff, noting, “I once said sorry to a houseplant and he’s never let it go.”
Trump closed the ceremony by launching himself skyward in a spark-shooting golf cart, shouting, “No remorse! Just horsepower!”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
