Trump Strips Security from Fauci, Bolton, Pompeo
Tracker Now Available on ‘Petty AF’ App
By C.R. ‘Loose Lips’ Leake, Bohiney.com’s Official Keeper of Petty Presidential Decisions
The Ultimate Justice Tour
Former President Donald Trump has reportedly yanked government-funded security from Anthony Fauci, John Bolton, and Mike Pompeo, effectively turning them into contestants on a new, high-stakes reality show: Survivor: Washington Swamp Edition.
“Trump stripping security from Bolton, Pompeo, and Fauci is like firing your ex-girlfriends from a job they already quit—purely for the drama.” — Wanda Sykes
According to sources who may or may not have been sitting on a golden toilet at Mar-a-Lago, the move comes as part of Trump’s ongoing campaign to ensure that anyone who’s ever crossed him “remembers who the big boss is.” A leaked memo titled Security Clearance? YOU’RE FIRED! allegedly includes a personal ranking of each official based on their perceived level of disloyalty, with Fauci earning a coveted “RAT,” Bolton classified as “MUSTACHE TRAITOR,” and Pompeo receiving the enigmatic rating of “BIBLE THUMPER WITH A BAD ATTITUDE.”
Fauci’s New Life as a Masked Man
Dr. Anthony Fauci, former head of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases and part-time human piñata for right-wing conspiracies, has been seen around Washington sporting a hoodie, sunglasses, and what one witness described as “a COVID-era, industrial-strength N95 mask reinforced with Kevlar.”
“Honestly, I think he’s enjoying the anonymity,” said one Fauci-adjacent insider. “For the first time in years, he can walk into a CVS without being ambushed by some guy demanding ivermectin and a handshake from Bill Gates.”
Fauci himself responded to the security downgrade by reportedly telling a confidant, “I survived Rand Paul. I’ll be fine.”
“Fauci’s disguise is just a hoodie and sunglasses. That’s not a disguise, that’s what every divorced dad wears to Target.” — Jim Gaffigan
“Fauci lost his security detail? So now he’s just like every other 80-year-old man in America—paranoid, armed with hand sanitizer, and afraid to check the mail.” — John Mulaney
Bolton Hires Personal Security Team, Mustache Still at Risk
John Bolton, the former national security advisor known for his hawkish views and his hawk-like mustache, immediately took action by hiring his own security detail. “Nobody touches this mustache,” Bolton declared, stroking his upper lip like a Bond villain.
Eyewitnesses say the mustache now has its own insurance policy under “Acts of Petty Presidential Retaliation.” One bodyguard, dressed in a three-piece suit and aviators, was overheard whispering into his earpiece, “The ‘stache is secure. I repeat, the ‘stache is secure.”
Pompeo’s Strategic Retreat to Kansas
Meanwhile, former Secretary of State Mike Pompeo took a different approach, retreating to his home state of Kansas, where he has vowed to “personally oversee all incoming threats, just like Jesus and the Founding Fathers intended.”
Pompeo reportedly told supporters at a local church breakfast that he has “full faith in the Second Amendment” to handle any threats, though sources say he also installed a moat filled with Chick-fil-A sauce to deter intruders.
“I told my security detail, ‘Go home. I got this,’” Pompeo said, brandishing what onlookers described as “an unsettlingly large crossbow.”
“Pompeo moving to Kansas for safety is like hiding in your grandma’s basement because you owe the mafia money—great plan, buddy.” — Trevor Noah
Trump’s Petty-Level Tracker Now a Downloadable App
If you’re wondering who’s next on the chopping block, fear not—Trump’s latest creation, The Petty AF Tracker, is now available for download on all major app stores.
The app, described as a “real-time vengeance meter,” allows users to track Trump’s ongoing acts of revenge, from security downgrades to golf course bans. A premium version of the app, Petty AF GOLD, includes an interactive map highlighting Mar-a-Lago’s official “Persona Non Grata” zones, where certain former staffers are not even allowed to park their cars.
According to a beta tester, “There’s even a special sound effect whenever Trump strips someone’s security—it’s the Apprentice ‘You’re Fired!’ clip.”
Bolton Responds: “This is Why I Wanted the Coup”
When reached for comment, Bolton muttered something about “stability” before yelling at a pigeon. Fauci declined to comment, citing “doctor-patient confidentiality,” but did mutter something about keeping his six-foot distancing policy “for life.”
Pompeo, however, doubled down on his survivalist approach. “You don’t need government security when you have faith,” he said before disappearing into an undisclosed Kansas bunker.
“Bolton says he’s not worried because he can defend himself. Yeah, bro, let’s see your mustache block a bullet.” — Bill Burr
What’s Next?
Experts speculate that if Trump is re-elected, his second term could be “100% revenge-fueled.” Rumors suggest he’s already drawing up plans to replace the National Security Council with a live-streamed Celebrity Apprentice: Deep State Edition featuring contestants like Mitt Romney and Liz Cheney.
Only time will tell. In the meantime, if you see John Bolton’s mustache wandering the streets alone, please report it to the authorities.
15 Takes on Trump Stripping Security from Fauci, Bolton, and Pompeo
- Fauci just unlocked a new life achievement: “From pandemic expert to DIY home security specialist in 24 hours.”
- John Bolton’s mustache has been classified as a national security risk: “No clearance? No problem. The ‘stache protects itself.”
- Mike Pompeo went full DIY survivalist: “He says he doesn’t need government protection because ‘Jesus and a well-stocked ammo closet will handle it.’”
- Trump’s ‘Petty AF’ Tracker App just dropped on iOS and Android: “For just $9.99 a month, you can watch live updates of who’s next to get ghosted by the Secret Service!”
- Fauci’s new bodyguard? “An oversized N95 mask and the unwavering disappointment of every epidemiologist in America.”
- John Bolton now rolls with an ex-Marine security team: “One guy’s only job is to comb and protect the mustache.”
- Pompeo’s bunker in Kansas has Wi-Fi but no liberal media access: “His firewall blocks everything except The Bible App and MyPillow.com.”
- Bolton says he doesn’t fear losing protection: “The guy planned coups—dodging a few Twitter trolls should be a breeze.”
- Fauci got last-minute security advice from Dr. Phil: “How’s that no protection workin’ for ya?”
- Trump’s next move? “Making everyone he fired re-interview for their jobs on a special Mar-a-Lago episode of The Apprentice: Deep State Edition.”
- Pompeo was last seen constructing a moat around his Kansas home: “But instead of water, it’s filled with Chick-fil-A sauce and pocket Constitutions.”
- Fauci is now reportedly unrecognizable: “He’s gone full Breaking Bad, rocking a fake mustache and going by the name ‘Tony F.’”
- Bolton insists the move is ‘a serious national security concern’: “Mainly for my mustache, which is now a free agent.”
- The Secret Service had a farewell cake for Fauci, Bolton, and Pompeo: “It just said ‘GOOD LUCK’ in Comic Sans.”
- Trump’s revenge tour is officially off the rails: “Next, he’s revoking Mitch McConnell’s Costco membership just for fun.”
Fauci, Bolton, Pompeo – Image Gallery
Top 20 Comedians on Trump Stripping Security from Fauci, Bolton, and Pompeo
- “Fauci without security is like a turtle without a shell—except the turtle doesn’t have to deal with anti-vaxxers at Whole Foods.” — John Mulaney
- “Bolton’s mustache lost its security detail? That thing alone needs its own witness protection program.” — Bill Burr
- “Trump revoking security clearances is like a mob boss pulling a guy’s ‘protection’—except this time, it’s just Twitter threats and awkward TSA pat-downs.” — Wanda Sykes
- “Pompeo moving back to Kansas for safety is like a bank robber hiding out at his mom’s house—sure, no one’s looking there, but it’s still Kansas.” — Trevor Noah
- “Fauci in disguise is just an old guy in a hoodie. That’s not undercover, that’s just every dad sneaking snacks into a movie theater.” — Jim Gaffigan
- “John Bolton says he can protect himself. Dude, you couldn’t even protect your job in the Trump administration.” — Seth Meyers
- “Pompeo claims he’s not worried because he trusts Jesus. Great, Mike—does Jesus have a bulletproof vest in size XL?” — Stephen Colbert
- “Bolton hired private security. The job description just says: ‘Must be willing to take a bullet… for a mustache.’” — Bill Maher
- “Trump taking away security clearances is like a landlord evicting tenants who already moved out—it’s just to prove a point.” — Conan O’Brien
- “Fauci’s plan for protection? Staying six feet away from everyone for the rest of his life.” — Jimmy Fallon
- “Pompeo’s bunker has more defenses than the Capitol on January 6. Just saying.” — Samantha Bee
- “Bolton’s mustache applied for its own concealed carry permit—just in case.” — Craig Ferguson
- “Fauci without security is like a cat without claws. Still smug, but slightly more nervous.” — John Oliver
- “Pompeo lost his security but says the Lord will protect him. Bold strategy, let’s see how it plays out.” — Hannibal Buress
- “Bolton is reportedly carrying a weapon now. It’s just a comb for the mustache, but still.” — David Letterman
- “Fauci isn’t even worried. He survived both COVID and being yelled at by Rand Paul. What’s left?” — Trevor Noah
- “Trump stripping security is like a breakup where you change the Netflix password—petty, but effective.” — Chelsea Handler
- “Pompeo says Kansas is safe. Bro, have you seen The Wizard of Oz? Tornadoes literally kidnap people there.” — Kevin Hart
- “Fauci’s backup plan is moving to an undisclosed location. Probably just his Florida retirement home, but still.” — Sarah Silverman
- “Bolton’s security detail is now just a bunch of former interns holding pepper spray and hoping for the best.” — Jay Leno