Lisa Murkowski and Susan Collins Finally Get the Boot: GOP Upgrades Its Operating System

After decades of political waffling, the GOP finally decides to delete its expired trial version of ‘Moderate Republicans.’

By: Chuck Tingleworthy, Senior Political Satire Expert

Washington, D.C. – The longest-running tragicomedy in Senate history—also known as Lisa Murkowski and Susan Collins pretending to be Republicans—is finally coming to an end. Voters in Alaska and Maine have had enough, and the primary challengers are closing in like a tsunami of actual conservatism.

Collins and Murkowski always prided themselves on their “independence”—which is political code for “We will backstab our own party whenever CNN tells us to.” But with Trump-backed candidates surging ahead, their careers are on life support, and for once, Susan Collins is genuinely concerned.

“Lisa Murkowski and Susan Collins getting primaried is like your grandma finally trading in her old Buick,” said Jim Gaffigan. “It took forever, and the car had been making a left turn for 20 years.”

A ‘Warrior’ Enters the Pentagon

Hegseth, known for his charismatic presence on “Fox & Friends” and his vocal critiques of “wokeness” in the military, has promised to reinstate a “warrior ethos” within the Department of Defense. One can only imagine the upcoming Pentagon memos: “Mandatory push-up contests at 0900 hours,” “Camo face paint Fridays,” and “Bring Your Sword to Work Day.”

Senate Showdown: The Drama Unfolds

The confirmation process was nothing short of a political thriller. Republican Senators Lisa Murkowski, Susan Collins, and Mitch McConnell joined Democrats in opposing Hegseth’s nomination, citing “female concerns” over his past conduct. It’s almost as if they were saying, “We’ve seen this episode before, and we know how it ends.”

Murkowski and Collins: The Human Magic 8-Balls of the GOP

No one ever really knew where Murkowski and Collins stood—and neither did they. Their entire careers have been spent dangling on the edge of uncertainty, pretending to be ‘thoughtful’ while eventually doing whatever MSNBC wanted.

“Susan Collins is the political equivalent of a Magic 8 Ball,” said Jerry Seinfeld. “Shake her up, and you’ll get a different answer every time. ‘Will she vote conservative this time?’ Signs point to no.“

Lisa Murkowski, who has spent decades as the ‘Republican’ Senator least likely to vote Republican, has relied on Alaskans being too cold to care. But even Alaska has warmed up to the idea of firing her.

“Murkowski losing her Senate seat would be the first time Alaska has experienced global warming,” said Lewis Black. “Because hell must be freezing over for this to finally happen.”

The Fake ‘Moderates’ Finally Run Out of Excuses

Murkowski and Collins have always sold themselves as “thoughtful conservatives”—which is a fancy way of saying “Democrats who say ‘aw shucks’ a lot.”

“Lisa Murkowski’s slogan should be: ‘Reaching across the aisle… to stab my own party in the back,’” said a Republican strategist who’s been betrayed one too many times.

Collins, known for doing exactly what Chuck Schumer needs, then acting shocked when people notice, has mastered the art of “concerned betrayal.”

“Susan Collins always looks concerned when she votes with the Democrats,” said John Mulaney. “It’s like watching a Labrador feel guilty for eating a whole turkey but still wagging its tail.”

Meanwhile, Murkowski’s campaign strategy has been boiled down to convincing Alaskans that she’s like an old, broken boot—still functional, just barely.

“Murkowski’s campaign strategy: Convince Alaskans that voting for her is like keeping an old pair of worn-out boots—sure, they leak, but at least they’re familiar,” said a Republican donor who finally closed his checkbook.

Voter Revolt: The GOP’s Housecleaning

Republicans in Alaska and Maine have been trapped in a toxic relationship with these two for years—and now, they’re finally calling it quits.

“Murkowski and Collins losing their seats is like getting a stain out of your favorite shirt,” said Sebastian Maniscalco. “Took way too long, but damn, it feels good.”

Primary challengers have finally given the GOP an off-ramp from this train wreck, and voters are ready to hit the eject button.

“Murkowski and Collins getting replaced is like rebooting an old TV show,” said Kevin Hart. “Sure, some people are nostalgic, but the ratings were terrible, and it’s time to move on.”

Even Mitt Romney has reportedly sent them both a sympathy fruit basket, with a note that reads:

“Welcome to the club.”

The Democrats’ Favorite Republicans Are No Longer Useful

For years, Collins and Murkowski were the Senate’s favorite “bipartisan Republicans”—which is code for “Republicans who let Democrats win.”

“If you ever feel useless, just remember,” said Bill Burr, “Lisa Murkowski and Susan Collins spent decades in the Senate, and their biggest accomplishment is making Democrats laugh at how easy it was to get their votes.”

Now that their usefulness is over, the DNC has already started ghosting them.

“Murkowski and Collins are like those two coworkers who don’t actually do anything but somehow still show up to the company Christmas party acting important,” said Dave Chappelle.

Meanwhile, Collins is having an identity crisis.

“Susan Collins is going to retire and do what she’s always wanted,” said Kevin Hart. “Open a small boutique that only sells undecided opinions.”

Final Days in the Senate: From Flip-Flopping to Flopping

With their careers in a nosedive, Collins and Murkowski have taken two very different approaches to handling their impending doom:

• Collins has been spotted staring blankly at CSPAN, waiting for her next decision to make itself.
• Murkowski, meanwhile, has been seen in the Capitol gift shop, buying one of those “Retired Senator” coffee mugs.

For the first time in their careers, they have something in common with voters—they both have no idea what they’re doing next.

With their retirement imminent, Collins and Murkowski are now left pondering their legacy.

“They’re saying Murkowski and Collins are ‘moderates,’” said Ricky Gervais. “Yeah, in the same way a cow is a ‘moderate’ between a bull and a hamburger.”

The End of the Era of Political Waffling

The Murkowski-Collins era is finally coming to an end—and voters have upgraded to a version of the GOP that actually works.

Gone are the days when Murkowski and Collins could pretend to be Republicans while spending their careers making sure Democrats got whatever they wanted.

Gone are the days of “concerned faces” and “maybe I’ll vote conservative this time!”

And gone are the days when the GOP had to hold its nose and tolerate these two.

With the primary challengers leading by miles, voters are finally deleting Murkowski and Collins like an old AOL email account.