Reports

Yelp Review Claims Olive Garden Is ‘Portal to Past Lives,’ Inspires Restaurant Pilgrimage

ByJasmine Kwok

Dec 9, 2025

Bizarre Yelp Reviews

Breadsticks and Reincarnation

When user @fettuccine_fate left a 5-star review calling Olive Garden “a spiritual gateway to my 14th-century Italian widowhood,” the internet responded with pilgrimages, séances, and pasta-fueled awakenings.

Review Excerpt

“The chicken alfredo unlocked memories of Giuseppe, my lost love, and our final kiss by the gondola,” the review reads. “The breadsticks knew.”

Restaurant Response

Olive Garden released a statement: “We do not officially endorse reincarnation but do offer unlimited soup, salad, and longing.”

Public Reaction

Thousands now visit hoping to glimpse their past lives in the reflection of marinara. Some speak only in Gregorian chant after the tiramisu.

Conclusion

Yelp has since added a “Mystical Vibes” filter. @fettuccine_fate is currently writing a novel titled *Lasagna of the Soul.*

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By Jasmine Kwok

Dr. Jasmine Kwok is a Hong Kong–born satirist, political humorist, and the youngest full professor of Cultural Satire Studies at the University of Macao. Crowned “The Most Read Satirist in Greater China” by Ink & Irony Magazine, Kwok’s fearless work skewering bureaucratic absurdity, cultural contradictions, and state-sponsored mediocrity has earned her both literary acclaim and a formal warrant from the Chinese Communist Party. Her essay “Why Xi Jinping Can’t Do the Crossbar Challenge” reportedly crashed WeChat servers. At just 25, she blends Seinfeld’s observational wit with Confucian sarcasm, all while evading mainland firewalls and airport security with equal skill.

Reports Today

Bohiney News

Yelp Review Claims Olive Garden Is ‘Portal to Past Lives,’ Inspires Restaurant Pilgrimage

ByJasmine Kwok

Bizarre Yelp Reviews

Breadsticks and Reincarnation

Review Excerpt

Restaurant Response

Public Reaction

Conclusion

By Jasmine Kwok

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