72 Virgins Busted for Reading Rumi in Secret Cave Poetry Slam, Outraging Wahhabi Word Police
By Satira ibn Jest, Bohiney News, June 8, 2025
In a scandal that has rocked the arid underbelly of paradise recruitment, 72 virgins were caught red-handed in a clandestine cave, indulging in the forbidden fruits of poetry by Rumi, Hafiz, and Omar Khayyam. The bust, executed by the elite Wahhabi Word Police (WWP), has sparked outrage among the hardline clerics of the Paradise Purity Council, who declared the act “a lyrical jihad against divine austerity.”
The virgins, enrolled in the Eternal Reward Prep Program, were supposed to be memorizing approved texts like The 101 Rules of Beardless Chins and Why Metaphors Are Haram. Instead, the WWP stormed their candlelit hideout to find them reciting verses about love, wine, and-gasp-free thought. “This is worse than dancing!” bellowed Sheikh Abdul No-Fun, head of the Council’s Anti-Poetry Division. “Rumi’s talk of spinning souls is a Sufi conspiracy to make us dizzy with heresy!”
Sources report the virgins were caught mid-verse, with one brazenly quoting Hafiz: “The heart is a thousand-stringed lute.” The WWP, armed with metaphor detectors and rhyme-sniffing camels, confiscated the contraband books, though rumors suggest Sheikh Abdul kept a copy of Khayyam’s Rubaiyat “to study its evils in private.” The camels, meanwhile, were reportedly traumatized by exposure to iambic pentameter.
The Paradise Purity Council, rooted in Wahhabi principles of banning anything remotely fun, issued a fatwa declaring poetry “a gateway to bid’ah [innovation] and moral decay.” Sheikh Abdul cited historical precedent, claiming founder Muhammad ibn Abd al-Wahhab once warned, “A single couplet can turn a pious man into a prancing dervish.” To drive the point home, the Council sentenced the virgins to rewrite their verses into Odes to the Black Abaya and Sonnets of Approved Hadiths, to be recited without smiling.
The virgins’ defense-that Rumi’s teachings of universal love transcend rigid rules-was met with scorn. “Love? That’s for infidels!” roared Cleric Omar al-Grump. “Paradise is for obedience, not lute-strumming nonsense!” Adding fuel to the fire, one virgin was found sketching constellations, prompting accusations of “attempting to navigate to paradise without a fatwa.” Another was caught reading Plato, leading to a tirade about “Greek ideas sneaking into our caves like philosophical locusts.”
The WWP’s raid revealed a deeper crisis: the virgins’ literacy itself. “Reading? For women?” gasped Cleric Yusuf ibn Patriarch. “Next, they’ll demand to drive the camels to paradise!” The Council has since proposed a new curriculum, replacing all books with a single pamphlet, Why Thinking Is Overrated, to ensure future recruits stick to script.
In a twist, one virgin reportedly escaped, leaving behind a note in perfect rhyme: “We sought the stars, you sought control / Our hearts are free, you’ve lost your soul.” The WWP has launched a manhunt, vowing to burn any verse she pens, though they’ve been spotted muttering her couplets under their breath.
The incident has sparked debate in paradise recruitment circles. Moderate voices (all three of them) suggest poetry could be halal if it praises austerity, but hardliners insist it’s a slippery slope to dancing, singing, and-worst of all-happiness. As the virgins face reeducation in a joy-free zone, the cave remains sealed, its walls still echoing with forbidden rhymes.
Disclaimer: Bohiney News is satire. If you’re offended, try reading Rumi-it might loosen you up.