Federal Officials Demand to Know Which Side He’s On
WICHITA COUNTY, Texas — Local farmer Wade Pritchard, 54, has become America’s happiest man after going six months without watching television news, reading political arguments or learning what Congress did yesterday. Psychologists are baffled. He reports sleeping eight hours a night, enjoying his marriage and holding no opinion whatsoever about Washington.
“I sleep eight hours, love my wife and know exactly where my cows are,” Pritchard explained. “That’s three things Washington can’t say.”
Eight hours is more than the roughly seven the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends for adults, which Pritchard says he took as a personal challenge and beat.
The trouble began when a neighbor caught him whistling at a fence post. No headphones. No podcast. Not a single threat to move to Canada.
“I’ve known Wade for twenty years,” said neighbor Calvin Briggs. “A man that cheerful in an election year is either hiding something or selling insurance.”
The county’s rural group chat took the matter up before breakfast. A screenshot supplied to this publication shows the discussion in full:
Calvin Briggs, 7:12 a.m.: Wade’s whistling again
Dot Haskins, 7:14 a.m.: At what
Calvin Briggs, 7:14 a.m.: A fence post
Dot Haskins, 7:15 a.m.: Check if he’s sold the farm
Calvin Briggs, 7:16 a.m.: He hasn’t. I looked. He’s just happy
Dot Haskins, 7:16 a.m.: Well that’s worse
Psychologists Find Disturbing Evidence of Contentment in Texas Farmer
Researchers dispatched to the ranch discovered that Pritchard eats breakfast without checking his phone, speaks affectionately about his wife, Linda, and has never once used the phrase “our democracy is at stake” while feeding cattle.
His blood pressure was normal. His marriage was functioning. His television was showing a fishing program, and he was watching it with the sound on and his boots off.
One bewildered psychologist asked whether he experienced outrage when politicians made controversial statements.
“Sure,” Pritchard answered. “When they say corn grows without water.”
The researcher recorded his answer as severe disengagement.
The findings run against the national mood. A Pew Research Center survey found that 65% of Americans frequently felt exhausted by politics, and the American Psychological Association’s Stress in America research has tracked similar strain for years. Pritchard said the other 35% probably hadn’t opened the electric bill.
Federal Task Force Demands to Know Which Side He’s On
A federal task force arrived at the ranch with six vehicles and a questionnaire.
“Are you conservative or liberal?”
“Depends on whether you’re talking about spending money or spreading manure.”
“Who did you vote for?”
“That’s why they call it a secret ballot.”
“Do you trust the federal government?”
“I wouldn’t let it borrow my socket wrench.”
Officials classified him as politically uncooperative and requested an inventory of his suspicious possessions: two tractors, sixty cows, one shotgun and a calendar without a single campaign sticker.
The task force’s field report, a copy of which was reviewed by this publication, rates the threat level as “moderate.” The report explains that the subject possesses a firearm and a positive attitude, “a combination not covered in training.” Under Additional Observations the lead agent wrote: “Subject offered pie. Pie was good. Recommend further investigation of pie.”
The investigation stalled when an agent stepped into a fresh cow pie and demanded to know which political party was responsible.
Cable News Declares an Economic Emergency Over Calm Farmer
Television executives were reportedly horrified to discover that Pritchard had replaced prime-time political commentary with supper at the kitchen table.
“How can we monetize fear if people stop being afraid?” asked one network president.
Another suggested alerts whenever farmers appeared relaxed. A third proposed a panel debate titled Is Peace of Mind a Threat to National Security? featuring nine furious people shouting over one another.
A memo circulated to anchors, which one staffer described as “a cry for help with a header,” read in part: “RE: Rural Calm. Effective immediately, any footage of a man smiling in a field must carry the chyron WHAT IS HE HIDING. Do not air the pie.”
The numbers explain the panic. The Reuters Institute’s Digital News Report found that 40% of respondents across surveyed markets sometimes or often avoided news.
Pritchard called that “a promising start.”
Wife Confirms Marriage Has Improved Dramatically Since He Quit the News
Linda Pritchard said her husband once shouted at the television during breakfast. Now he makes pancakes and asks about her day.
“He used to know every senator’s latest scandal,” she said. “He couldn’t remember our anniversary. Now it’s the other way around.”
When asked whether her husband was neglecting his civic duty, Linda pointed out that he still votes, pays taxes, helps neighbors and attends county meetings whenever farm policy affects him. He is also, she added, the only man in the county who can back a stock trailer into a gate on the first try, which she considers a form of public service.
“He’s not apolitical because he’s stupid,” she said. “He’s apolitical because he’s busy.”
Washington Issues a Final Warning About Rural Happiness
The federal delegation departed after Pritchard offered pie instead of an immigration argument.
Its final report warned that happiness without partisan supervision could spread across rural America.
Pritchard remained unmoved.
“I have cattle to feed, hay to cut and a wife I like. If the world’s ending, somebody can tell me after supper.”
His neighbors now suspect he may be starting a movement.
Unfortunately, nobody can find its Facebook page.
Five Observations on the Happiest Man in America
- Six months without the news and the guy’s thriving. Meanwhile I watched four minutes of cable this morning and now I’m angry at a man I’ve never met about a bridge I’ve never seen.
- Whistling at a fence post is the most suspicious thing a man can do in America. Not because of the whistling. Because of the “happy.” Nobody knows what to do with happy anymore. It’s like a stray dog. You want to help, but you also want to see its papers.
- The government sent six vehicles and a questionnaire to find out what a farmer thinks. That’s $400,000 in gas to learn he thinks the cows are hungry.
- “Offered pie. Pie was good. Recommend further investigation of pie.” That’s the most honest government report ever written, and somebody’s getting a promotion for it.
- He’ll tell you he doesn’t follow politics, and then he’ll tell you he votes, pays taxes and helps his neighbors. Buddy, that’s all of it. That’s the whole thing. You’ve been doing politics this entire time. You just never got yelled at.