WASHINGTON — After losing the House and Senate in the midterm elections, congressional Republicans have returned for a lame-duck session with an unusual interpretation of electoral accountability: the American people made a decision, and lawmakers now have several weeks to demonstrate that they did not hear it. The Washington Post reports members are considering a late legislative sprint before Democrats assume control in January.

Lame-Duck Congress Discovers a Sudden Passion for Working Weekends

A lame duck is a politician who can still vote but whose future authority is already walking away. In ordinary life, this resembles an employee who has been told to clear out his desk and responds by ordering the entire office new carpeting. In Washington, it is treated as a heroic example of civic commitment.

For months, Congress struggled to pass routine legislation without threatening to turn the lights off. Now, faced with a deadline and a public rejection, lawmakers are reportedly prepared to work holidays. Voters who begged for that energy during the previous two years have been asked not to spoil the moment by remembering anything.

At Bohiney’s imaginary Capitol orientation session, the remaining majority received a survival guide: find the pens, count the votes, confirm that the building still belongs to the government, then approve anything that looks difficult to reverse. One aide called it governance by closing-time announcement. Another compared it to buying a used sofa after the moving truck has already left.

Democracy Offers Feedback; Washington Requests the Receipt

The real agenda includes spending measures, confirmations and possible changes to permitting rules. University of Washington’s federal-relations briefing describes tight funding deadlines and potential defense spending battles. The satirical part is the newfound urgency: the same institution that spent weeks deciding what day to meet suddenly believes the republic can be repaired by Christmas Eve.

Americans across the political spectrum recognize this ritual. When one party wins, it calls elections a sweeping mandate. When it loses, it calls the outcome a complicated message requiring careful interpretation by people who were just fired. A restaurant customer who sent back a burnt steak would be astonished to learn the chef has three more weeks to finish cooking it.

A Modest Proposal: Require the Exit Interview First

One modest reform would require a departing majority to explain the last election before passing a fresh thousand-page bill. Legislators could begin with the question “What did voters ask for?” and would not be allowed to answer “more of us.” Staffers might find this method uncomfortable, but it would certainly shorten committee hearings.

Meanwhile, the outgoing majority says it intends to make every remaining day count. The public would settle for making every remaining dollar count, but that measure has not yet been introduced. Congress is still waiting for the official definition of a dollar and whether it can be counted by lobbyists.

Editorial note: This congressional satire is an entirely human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. The policies are reported; the exit interview is comedy.