WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Democrats put a stock trading ban on their January agenda, giving members of both parties the customary lame-duck session to reflect on their conduct and see whether it would make more sense to reflect in cash.
Reuters reported on the congressional stock trading ban as one of several early priorities for Democrats when they take control of the next Congress. Hawaii Sen. Brian Schatz said he wanted a ban, and Missouri Republican Sen. Josh Hawley told Reuters he supports bipartisan action on the issue. Agreement across party lines is rare in Washington, although both sides have historically found it easier to reach across the aisle when the aisle has a broker on it.
The Congressional Stock Trading Ban Has a Runway
“The public has asked us to stop picking individual stocks,” said ethics consultant Milton Spread. “We hear that. By January, we expect several members to discover they were index investors the whole time.”
Spread said the ordinary constituent learns about an appropriation after the bill passes. A member of Congress can sometimes learn about it while it is still a pencil mark on a piece of paper. In financial circles that proximity is called an advantage. In Washington it is called attending work.
One lobbyist said his clients now prefer to schedule informal briefings before breakfast. After breakfast, a meeting with three senators might technically be a shareholders’ call.
The Blind Trust Gets a Better View
The transition has sparked new interest in blind trusts, arrangements under which a trustee controls investments on a beneficiary’s behalf. A seminar for nervous lawmakers opened with a demonstration in which a trustee wore a blindfold while the client stood behind him, yelling “warmer” as he reached for individual stocks.
“If the client can name the company by the sound its paper makes when it falls into the tray, that is a problem for counsel,” Spread explained. “For the broker it’s a breakthrough in service.”
Wall Street Anticipates a Loss of Research
An investment newsletter warned subscribers that removing Congress from the market could deprive analysts of a useful signal. For years, a dramatic increase in the amount of time a legislator spent saying “I cannot comment on that program” helped traders identify which program they should read about.
An aide proposed solving the conflict with a mandatory holding period of one full election cycle. Colleagues objected that this would force members to develop a long-term interest in things they voted for. A separate proposal to let constituents match each trade was shelved after staff estimated how many people would try to buy medical insurance.
Bohiney previously examined Congress’s taste for timely trades. The new debate at least gives voters a way to tell the legislation is getting serious. When a reporter asked whether the bill had the votes, everyone looked at the whip. When she asked when it would pass, everyone looked at their phone.
Disclaimer
This satire was produced as a human collaboration between two sentient beings, the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Their sole holding is a feed bill with outstanding growth potential.